Fed up with my lifelong poor mental health.

[malificent7]

Had an abusive childhood, bullied at school so fell in to abusive relationship aged 16. Developed eating disorder aged 19 due to coercive control bf. Dropped out of uni. Stint on psychiatric ward. Piss poor self esteem ever since. Single mum, poor choices etc.
On advice on MN did emdr....worked wonders. Met fabulous dh. My career has really suffered though. 1st job after retraining...private healthcare= flop. 2nd job private health care = flop. Currently NHS. Love it but currently perimenopausal, working erratic shifts which do me in. My employer has referred me to occupational health with anxiety. In fact my last employer noticed my anxiety too. Feel like a complete flop and that I will never get a promotion. Flopped a recent interview.
So that's my life. I'm 45.
Oh and my teen dd is lovely but I hardly have energy for her as i'm knackered.

Awaiting an autism assessment but feel very scared by past.

I think you need to give yourself some credit you've clearly gone through alot in your life and you're still standing even if you are knackered I mean who wouldn't be. I've struggled with my mental health and still do , mostly the joy of anxiety . I wont go into my own crap too much but I never felt good enough , crappy parents , friends etc .. I have a lovely family of my own but I still struggle and I'm my own worse critic that's for sure !

I think when you start off with an abusive childhood you are at a huge disadvantage to those who had loving, constant, secure parents. You make impulsive, destructive decisions that are not always in your interest. Sometimes due to depression, sometimes due to the need to self destruct, sometimes due to being a bit unstable yourself and unable to stick to things.
You find it hard to be loved and push away those people that do love and treat you well as it feels 'uncomfortable' and 'strange'.
Hugs - I speak from personal experience. I guess we can only do our best whatever that is and try and learn from mistakes that we have made. Assuming you have given your child a better start than you had then that is a huge thing to pat yourself on the back about.
I agree though, living like this is exhausting and I think you do feel 'broken' or on the scrape heap sooner.

p.s. and yes to anxiety, depression, eating disorders and poor self esteem. Parents can really fuck up their children for their whole lives.

I agree with the above you are a product of your environment. I was mentally abused alot growing up didn't realise how much til I had my own family . I use to be destructive, push people away probably still do to protect myself Only way I know how tbh. My mental health wasn't just my parents I was bullied and it does affect you .

It just means I can't even be a good mum to dd.

Why don't you tell dd that you're finding the shifts you're doing really hard and that you're worrying because you feel like you're not being a great mum because you're so exhausted - but you just wanted to let her know that you're so proud of her and love her so much.

Then you need to think about what you've survived, the trauma you've been through - and give yourself a break. You may well also have been Neurodiverse this whole time with no idea - it's amazing that you 'only' have anxiety although I know how debilitating it can be.

Get the diagnosis, understand yourself, understand why the things have been a struggle for you workwise - it's so common for people with ASD.

When you say you 'feel very scared by past' what do you mean exactly?

But you are a good mum , you are worried that you're not good enough that in itself says alot about you. My mum doesn't give a rats ass about me her grandchildren or how she's made me feel over the years . I would pick a mum who cares but is busy working her butt off than the latter .

Maybe take a day off soon and have a day with her , doesn't have to cost much . A little pamper day , watch a movie it's the simple things that count trust me.

Ps I'm also peri menopausal so I do know what you're going through it's no joke these hormones and it adds to everything else

please don't measure your worth based on job promotions.
if you like the job you are doing and are doing well at it, own it and be proud of that achievement.

Sorry " scarred from the past."

I guess I am sad as I went for a band 7 role and my manager said I lack confidence for it. I would be trained to be confident in it. I just feel pigeon holed as this annoying employee with mh issues.

Would you consider having work coaching?

If you're neurodivergent then you may be more susceptible to being hit hard by perimenopause - sometimes ND women are more prone to PMDD in perimenopause. HRT can be really helpful.

On HRT. Not doing much. I am not super snappy any more. But my brain feels like it's falling apart. Huge fog,anxiety, unable to retain information. I sat talking to one woman...i had met her before but couldn't remember. So embarrassing.

I just feel like a fool and a fuck up. Always have. I bang my car occassionally, make silly mistakes, forget things. Maybe i need testosterone.

I am often a target at work which compounds the issue. My colleagues are kind atm but I don't feel management rate me.

Just forgot what I was going to write next.

Peoole have said some hurtful things in the past.

Art teacher " your all over the place and so is your art."

Bil- " you are chaotic"

Sod BIL- bloomin cheek!
And all the best art is chaotic- Aka creative!
Honestly OP for what it's worth I think you are doing bloomin amazing.
Abusive childhood but have picked up the pieces and have a loving family and professional job.
Sounds like you may be neurodiverse- ASC/ ADHD? Definitely worth investigating.
Also have some more counselling / therapy.
Medication will help the anxiety and overthinking and intrusive thoughts, go to GP .
Sometimes you can be pigeon holed at work.
But it's great your colleagues are kind. ND people often struggle in workplace.
You sound a very caring mum. Talk to your DD and say you are sorry you are so tired all the time, try and arrange a movie night/ day out together.
If you have ASC you probably need to crash when you get home to decompress.
Be kind to yourself

Thank you all. I'm on citralopran 20mg. Evorel 75 and progesterone.