Lonely & concerned for dd future mh.

[mamabear9898]

So I posted quite recently about some guy using me and us splitting and him being really cruel, in the same week I've got scary news regarding my health, a family member passed and had lost a close friend because she was pushing me to hard and I felt used!

The reason for this post is I have suffered with depression, ocd , and anxiety for years first diagnosed aged 8 after sa. My dd's father was abusive and then of course I got into other relationships. My fault I know. I was v young.

I now see, how lonely I am, how I cling to people and rely on them , how I honestly don't really have any of my own interests apart from watching tv. When I eat , I eat for comfort not for health or sustenance. I've been therapy, cbt, counselling, however now I'm here.

Any advice on where to start on my goals, find interests, break habits, start afresh, rely on myself? It's horrible feeling alone. I have family and a couple of ok friends, but it doesn't seem to help.

I also have a dd and I'm petrified that she's going to think that existence is equivalent to living. Or she's going to develop issues. She too has obviously been affected by the break up, not some much the family members death as she never had chance to meet them, therefore doesn't know, She already is in counselling to help deal with the distance between her and her father ( resides in another country, sees her once a month) .

I want to live not just exist! I want my dd to live not just exist either! Of course I'm doing all I can now: i give her all the love, care, support and positivity I can. I feel like I'm finally awake after many years but my reality isn't as comfortable as dreamland and I'm still in a rut of it all.

So any advice to make this transition to healthy mind healthy body healthy life, will be massively appreciated!

I'm 24.
Dd 7.

Forgot to add, counselling for my dd is also to help her regulate as she has adhd, asd& pda. So the situation with her father would be big for any child but especially so due to her needs.

do you work op?
what do you do with your daughter at the weekends?
what do you do in the evenings with her?

@escapethemaze
Thank you for responding. I started working when my dd was 5 stopped about a year ago ( worked for a year and a half) . I stopped as I was needed at her school almost every day to calm her down or support her in other days.

After school we usually head to park or library or crafts at home.

Weekends we visit family, we have a mother& daughter day once a week, do activities, play dates, etc...

Short of getting work or starting to study or get really involved with a hobby or volunteering that you are passionate about…. I don’t know what to suggest.

Definitely don’t get involved with another man though for the time being having read your other thread

the school sounds utterly unsuitable for her if you’re being called in almost daily to sort her out

I know you won’t feel it OP - but you are so young still - so you have so much time to enjoy life.

It sounds like you want to take on the world - but take your time - you don’t have to do “everything” at once.

If you want to build some good habits - I’d recommend reading Atomic Habits which is a great guide to building up good practices.

Think about what makes you actually happy. there is nothing wrong with a night in front of tv eating a pizza if that’s what you enjoy - but if you do it constantly it’s not as enjoyable- so try mixing up your time a little.

Go for a walk somewhere new once a week.

If you have childcare maybe take up a hobby or sport (this doesn’t have to cost a lot - netball- swimming - whatever).

cook a new recipe once a week or month

habe a night where you listen to podcasts or read instead of telly.

@escapethemaze

This was prior to her most recent diagnosis. The school now have ehcp in progress and have given my daughter a stafff member and much shorter learning time. They've also adjusted in other ways. It took a while but they're doing better. Thank goodness

So now might be time to start looking for a job or studying in earnest

@BarkHorse
Thank you for responding! Some great ideas. I'll look this book up.

Also if you’re not working it might be worth considering doing some volunteering in the meantime as there’s less pressure if you need to rush off etc.

its also occurring to me that you are only 24 so also do “fun stuff” just for you if can. Go dancing, have a girls night in with friends, go to a pub quiz

Sounds really trite but sometimes you need to fake it until you make it.

You need to show your DD that life can be happy and fun even if you are feeling it right now.

What do you do with her that you both enjoy?

It seems an awful shame that you aren't working or studying especially when you are so young. A lot of people would feel depressed doing that - it's completely understandably why you can't work when you have young children or when you have kids with additional needs but surely you could study?
Also might you be able to fit some sort of work around your daughter?

Thank you for responses.

I've been looking for work, however it's difficult finding work to fit school hours. My daughter really struggled in before/after school clubs and even with family.

Also for studying that's a good shout!

It's like i know what to do it's always nice people agreeing. But extremely difficult to start!

You’re 24. Spending your days on the sofa eating isn’t a life for an 80 year old, let alone a 24 year old mother.

If work not on the cards (how are you surviving financially?) then think of something that you might like to train up in

There are overlaps in our diagnoses and similarities in our history. The best thing for my MH (and sense of purpose and joy in living) was when I became a Christian, but I realize might not be the sort of answer you're looking for!

I was so worried my children would inherit my MH problems. I'm trying to get them into the sort of habits which help to reduce MH problems/symptoms.

For example we aim for 1000 hours a year outdoors and cultivate a love of moving (walking/cycling/dancing/climbing and of nature (foraging/gardening/nature walks).

We all cook from scratch and eat almost every meal together. Even the hands on work of kneading dough etc can be good for minds like mine. We learn handicrafts to help avoid the "stuckness" of sitting doing nothing and ruminating. We don't creativity in making music and art (badly!) and so on. And we listen to classical music and spend time immersed in fine art and good literature and poetry.

And we work on building a sense of community. Regular times with friends are built into the week so it isn't reliant on my organising anything! So then friendships are built almost automatically. That includes some volunteer work which has been shown to help people have a sense of worth and purpose.

There are no guarantees they won't sell struggle. But I hope that modelling healthy coping mechanisms and teaching them good preventative habits will mean that if they become unwell it will be less chronic and less deep than it was for me.

(In case this list seems impressive, I should admit that I'm a SAHM and I home educate my children, so we have a lot of time together!).

@FriedasCarLoad
Thank you for this. Actually in fact I have recently started going to church and keeping a prayer journal and so far I'm loving it. Always stuck strong in beliefs not always practised wisely.

Thank you for the tips! I am slowly incorporating new things.

Adding new things to our days has been lovely. It's gradual of course as my daughters needs I can't Imagine doing to much at a time. Baking I've been getting back into and have started to do the extra bits cooking , for example making the littles bits instead of buying them, this can sometimes be difficult tho given I'm vegan and my dd is not!

Just to add also, if my daughter ever asks to do something spontaneously i hardly ever say no( unless legitimate reason) I don't force the existence! I just get too comfortable. But so ready to make these changes!