Where can I get help for effects of childhood trauma?

[Thisonetime]

I have finally accepted that I need some help to cope with every day life. I have super low self esteem, I feel like I can never ask anyone for help for fear of burdening them. And I mean pretty much any help ever. Even something as small as babysitting. I just can't ask. My husband thinks it's because I'm too proud to ask. It's literally the opposite. I feel like I'm not worth it.
I worry that I'm a shit mother because I have no example to follow. My own abandoned me when I was 7. I feel like if I talk about this with anyone it's too much to put on them, they might feel uncomfortable, but stupid little things make me cry. At work we're going to have a game at the Christmas party where everyone is meant to send in a baby photo so colleagues can guess who they are. I don't have any baby photos. I feel so shit about it. I think the day of the Christmas party I might have to test positive for COVID so that I can't go in and have to WFH.
I have serious anxiety every day and feel like I have no safety net. What can I do?
I feel a bit like I don't deserve to get help but then I think of my kids and like I should do it for them.

Is there a local MH service that you can self refer to? Your GP could be a good start too. I'm sure someone will be along with some better advice though

You've done the hardest part though - asking for help 💕

First off, know that whatever your mother did or didn't do it had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with you, either then or now. Your mother had her reasons but never believe for one moment that any blame or fault lies with you. OK?

Have a look at this guide to Core Beliefs - it's a really good way of starting to understand why you are the way you are and (crucially) how you can start to change.

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

GP is the place to start. These days each GP practice seems to have its own little eco-system of allied professionals they can refer you to. The first port of call in my practice is 'self-guided' CBT accessed online. This is followed by CBT with the assitance of some practitioner or other if the self-guided stuff doesn't work. Delivered by a third-party entity under contract to the NHS.
My GP practice also has some in-house 'GP aligned' mental health practitioners. Basically a nurse with mental health training that you can chat to.
Perhaps these sorts of service will help you, or perhaps it will be hoops that you need to jump through in order to progress to more effective services.
The sad truth is that the NHS more-or-less seems just to pretend to offer mental health support, and to expect you to fight and fight past this pretence in order to get genuine support.

I would look for a private psychotherapist online. You are unlikely to get the right kind of help on the nhs and waiting list will be long.

I have AXA ppp health insurance through work which might cover therapy. I'm not sure. But how do I go about getting a referral? God I know that sounds stupid but I honestly don't know what I'd say to a GP. I feel like if I tried to explain it all I'd just sound like a crazy drama queen. It's not like it's an illness exactly. It's sort of a "consequence". I actually feel weirdly ashamed to have to take up time with a GP about something like this. And I'd have to do an eConsult probably. And it's not really an illness. I think I'm a bit scared I'll be told to stop making a fuss about nothing.
Thank you to the PPs saying my mother's actions when I was a child weren't my fault. I know that objectively but then I look at my kids and think how could she? How could any mother behave like that?
But god I'm a grown adult now. Why am I still like this?

But god I'm a grown adult now. Why am I still like this?

Because what you saw, heard, absorbed, learned, were told and felt as a child were hard wired into your mind as "truths" - simply because you didn't have the capacity to question whether or not they were factually correct.

For example 'grown up you' can look at your mother's actions dispassionately and realise they were a consequence of her own upbringing, or as a result of the circumstances she was in at the time. But your 'inner child' will override that logic with the earlier feelings and beliefs; guilt, shame, worthlessness.

You are not broken; you just need to get the help to be the best version of you for both yourself and your own children.

@Eyesopenwideawake thank you. Your calm logical explanation does make sense. It's very helpful.
I'm still not sure what I'd say to a GP but it makes me feel a bit better that I'm not just "weird" and that maybe it's a normal response

@Thisonetime Your OP is self explanatory and very clear. Why not print it off and either read it out or give it to the Dr?

@Eyesopenwideawake you are very kind thank you.
Ironically I think I would struggle with the guilt of taking a doctor's appointment from someone who really needs it. I have found a private therapist nearby though. It will be a bit of a struggle but I could probably afford a couple of sessions a month.