Finally have a session booked tomorrow with a therapist who specialises in OCD and anxiety etc had an initial phone call to see if we clicked and if we thought they could help. They were confident that they could. I've had CBT before and understand the principles of that and try to use it - i'm just aware that i seem to have so many little issues that it could take weeks and as im paying want to try and make the most of my sessions. I'm sure she'll guide the sessions but where do i start ?
I overthink everything, can't escape my thoughts, replay everything in my mind and beat myself up about stupid inconsequetial things from decades so,spend my life feeling guilt for being a position that i can afford this kind of treatment when others are struggling and feel guilty when people spoil me because i don't feel i deserve that nicesness when other people are struggling so much . I have very strong morals which is great shouldn't be in absolutely everything i do so pre empting every situations which takes away the joy. Inadvertently self sabotage myself convincing myself i will get ill before holidays and spread germs without realising. I can never just relax without my mind looking for or digging up some past very inconsequential misdeamenour to worry about. I worry about what people think of me and can't take praise, self esetem on the floor and i over deliver with all my work dues to wanting to make sure that everyone i deal with gets the best i can give them - its exhausting ! I just want to be carefree, not sweat the small stuff and stop digging up past situations and trying to feel guilty about them ! Sorry rant over, i hope they can help me unravel this mess...