How do you cope with stress when there is no solution to the cause of it?

[Ohwhatfuckeryisthis]

I’m not a stressful person, in fact I’m probably too laid back. But my husband and are in a situation that is causing untold stress. It’s to do with our adult son who is currently homeless. He can’t come home, no other relatives to have him, autism and mh problems. (He’s tried to commit suicide in the past, and god forgive me I sometimes wish he’d suceeded) Has to live in a certain area but landlords won’t take him on. He’s been in temp accommodation for two weeks (one paid by us)and has now been put in a hostel for this week. However his professional support network have asked us to do the applications for tenancies, and the running around and to stand as guarantors. We are broken. My husband spent all Thursday running him all over the county. I went for an unrelated check up and my blood pressure, which has never moved in my life is sky high. I feel ill,I’m getting headaches I’m snappy I want to cry my heart is pounding. my house is a tip because every spare minute is running after him. My husband isn’t helping because his way of coping is re hashing everything heatedly. We can’t abandon him. If we say enough, he’s on the streets. My job is day to day stressful but I leave it at the door. I can cope with difficult situations if there’s a solution at the end. There is no solution to this. I’m off to the dr in the morning because the hospital said I need to get signed off and treatment for the hypertension. But what things can I do to relieve this feeling of dread and disaster?

See yourself as a mountain, connected to the earth, immoveable and calm. And all of this as weather - watch it moving past the mountain.

That’s the type of thinking that helps me

There’s also the serenity prayer - Google it, that’s quite good too.

I did telephone counselling for a year when my DD's MH was at its worst. I could just offload for an hour each week. It helped.

If you can, get him on the housing list as a vulnerable adult.

How old is he?

He’s mid 30s, housing have said they haven’t anything for him,agree they have duty of care, but nowhere to go, waiting list for supported living, currently 40 on the list.

I totally sympathise with you and your husband's situation here. No wonder you're both stressed to the max. I've mentioned your thread to my husband who has experience in this area and he suggests you need to write to your MP. When these type of issues/complaints come up, then that person is prioritised through the system and magically a solution can be found. Time to be sharp elbowed and get others involved. It sounds as if they're happy to pass the buck to you, you need to pass it onto someone else. You need informed, proactive help here, as of course does your poor son. An MP's letter to that particular service might get him appropriate accommodation. Sorry, that's all we can think of - I do hope you find a solution for you all.

Great practical advice from @DaphneduM

On an emotional front, accept that worrying and endlessly going over the 'what if's' is both pointless and distressing. Can you and and your husband agree that from 7pm (or whatever time works) to bedtime that you will stop talking about your son and turn your attention to your own lives?

It's not being disloyal or neglectful - it's massively important for your own wellbeing and therefore your ability to look after your son. Put bluntly if you and/or your husband become ill because of the stress you're under you'll be less able to cope. The old adage of putting your own mask on before helping others is key.

Thank you all very much for your compassionate replies. I am taking lots of this good advice onboard. Got into doctors today, but already guilt is kicking in about taking time off. I will, but still.

An update- I’ve been signed off for a month, work are fine, I know my bosses well. And he’s been found a place at the supported housing unit he was waiting for. It’s a bit of a trek, and isolated but it’s safe and warm.

That sounds like a good result @Ohwhatfuckeryisthis

I was in a similar state when my autistic son was admitted to hospital. I took anti depressants. They helped me to cope for a short time. I was a bit reluctant but I am glad now that I did. They enabled me to function. Sorry you are facing this. It is a nightmare.

I also took a bit of time off while they kicked in. Glad you have somewhere for him.

Well, that's all good news @Ohwhatfuckeryisthis. Use your time off work first of all to relax and destress, before you even think about sorting out things that need sorting. Talk to your DH - perhaps have a mini-break together? I hope things go well for you all.

Not really much help except to look after yourself and not feel guilty about doing that as you can't support your son if you're unwell. Sounds trivial but relaxation techniques, online yoga, getting a good night's sleep(if you can), making sure you eat etc. All the usual things.
Difficult when you powerless to help but you're doing as much as you possibly can. Sounds as though things are turning a corner though and I really hope things work out for you all soon.