Please or to access all these features

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Family disfunction

5 replies

Gettingnowhereagain · 24/11/2023 19:55

I was bought up in a disfunctional home. Dad was a drunk and violent physical and emotional abuse. Mum was very,very emotionally abusive. Blamed me for everything even up until I was 30. My dad never hit my mum ( mum was fine with him hitting us " he never hits me")but was emotionally abusive. She was a pain in the backside arguing with him then stood back as he took his anger out on us kids. Except my sister. She was typical golden child. Never hit ,shouted at or belittled. I say belittled we were downright humiliated in front of our friends and neighbours. Mum's favourite was pulling our knickers down in front of other kids and smacking us whilst screaming at us. I don't mean the odd slap I mean marks and bruises. Dad would punch and kick us regularly, threatened us. Golden child sister sided with mum and dad and caused loads of trouble.
We grew up and GC is still an absolute bitch. She still thinks she's special and should be treated that way by everyone including me and my other sister. We don't have anything to do with her. We did try but she's vile. If we don't go back to playing the family roles she gets annoyed. She can't be trusted she's a back stabber. She lies and gets sympathy as she's so desperate for attention.

I speak to my mum and dad as they're old now but it's under the understanding they treat me and my other sister with respect and treated equally with the GC sister. That was fine until last week. My dad was ill and me and my other sister were pushed out and ignored because GC sister was at my mums. We tried to phone and text for a couple of days but were blanked. My mum has to 'prove' to GC sister how much more important she is and does this by ignoring my other sister and me. I'm used to it but I thought we'd gotten past all that and the past was past. We forgave a hell of a lot on the understanding it wasn't to happen again but it has. I'm shocked how badly it has hurt me. It's like being a battered kid again . I'm so angry with myself I feel this way and that I've let them hurt me again. I also want to thump my GC sister. I haven't let them see how much I'm hurt I've just acted un bothered but have been only cordial with my mum. She's trying to suck up to me again now but I'm not interested. I told her if she did it again I'd not put up with it. It's taken me years to come to terms with my childhood. It was really bad aggression, fights, being beaten ,mentally abused by both of them and being told we were dirt and hated. Almost everyday. I could of accepted it more if that's just the way they were but watching them be deliberately over nice with GC sister hurt more as we could see they could be nice. It just made us feel even more humiliated.
I don't want to give my mum or dad another chance I've had enough but should I? Am I in the wrong here? I get to a point where I feel OK and then they go and do it again. They don't care about my feelings and aren't sorry for the past.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 24/11/2023 22:08

Can you understand that because your sister was brought up in such a completely different way - never experiencing what you did, and with you never living her version of 'true life' - you will never understand each other.

That's not your fault or her's, it's solely down to fucking awful parenting you both went through. You both need therapy in order to get to any possible middle ground - if it's not already too late.

MistyTrains2 · 25/11/2023 02:03

I think you have to accept unfortunately in the first instance that your parents are not and never will be capable of meeting your expectations of parents. If they ever do, it will not and never will be permanent. This will cause you much less pain to accept. You are then free to decide how much you want them in your life, a decision made on your tolerance levels to them.

pikkumyy77 · 25/11/2023 02:06

F

Gettingnowhereagain · 25/11/2023 15:20

Update. Just had lots of texts off my mum ( which she always does ) playing the victim. She always starts on the defensive being nasty, then when that doesn't work the victim, she's old, she's ill she's dying 🙄 . That's always been a thing as well . Only mum ,dad an G C sister were / are ever allowed to be ill. Me and my sister were / are always made to feel we are lying. I had a major operation a few years ago was in hospital for nearly a week abdominal surgery. My mum told everyone I was exaggerating and lying and I was fine. How the he'll could I lie about a major operation when I was cut down the middle with staples, scars etc ? Sorry to rant but it's doing my head in. She used to tell us kids when we were little she was dying. Anyway, I've been polite but I've just said I'm not playing anymore and I'll be polite but nothing else. You'd think she'd be pleased but no. Again it's been twisted so that it's all about her being upset. The next stage will be going to extended family crying trying to get them on " her side" and to get them to stop speaking to me as " punishment " .

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 26/11/2023 10:27

Have a look at the Stately Homes thread - masses of great advice and links (and, sadly, very similar stories) on there.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page