How do you make yourself think positive?

[Hello55]

I am feeling like a bit of a negative Nancy at the moment about life, don't want to bore you with the details. I made a life changing decision which I now regret, trying to get on with life but it feels like a cloud hanging over me. I often find myself thinking if I hadn't made this decision life would be better now.

Any tips on how you try and think more positive? X

You made that decision based on the best evidence you had at that time. Now you maybe have more information but are you sure life would be better? Do you know it as a fact or is it wishful thinking?

Listen to this song, print and frame the lyrics (I have!). It's 5.03 minutes of therapy.

Thanks so much for replying. Yes i did make the decision based on what i knew at the time, i just wish I'd known better.. that's what I beat myself up about.
I guess I can't be totally sure if overall life would be better if i didnt make the decision.. I think i'm a much better person after learning from my mistake, I have grown.. are things like that more important in life? I don't know
Aww I heard that song years ago thank you it is helpful x

I had a very short course of CBT-type therapy some years ago, and I found it helpful to seperate feelings from facts, to recognise that how you feel about things rarely reflects the truth about them but more often your perceptions.

One thing I found v useful to deal with negative thoughts was to identify the trigger thoughts or 'hot thoughts' that were sending me into either anxiety/negative intrusive thoughts or (at that time) into angry responses.
I still suffer with the anxiety and intrusive thoughts so I still sometimes go through the process of working out what statement or thought is triggering that.
I write down those trigger thougths and ask myelf - what am I feeling when I think this? is this thought really true?
What is the truth here?
Write that down as well and maybe a reassuring phrase alongside that. Or something about the situation/myself which counteracts the negative thought.
Then when you have a trigger or negative thought you notice it and then remind yourself of the truth statement that coutners it.

An example for me might be something like if I'm worrying over a particualr thing at work one night I'll try to work out the thought or statement which is prominent. Then I'll say something to myself like
"I was rushing this afternoon and I'm anxious when I think about that last piece of work. I am telling myself I must have made a mistake. I believe I am always rushing or making silly mistakes because I am lazy and disorganised. The truth is I am good at my job, I can do it quickly when I need to. I did the best I could in the circumstances and even if I made a mistake I can fix it in this way. I am not lazy or disorganised - today I did xxx and helped my child do yyy."

If the negative thought won't go away I just keep repeating the positive truth instead until I find I can start to think of other things. Not the full acknowledgement, just repeating "I'm good at my job, I am not lazy" or whatever. And then repeat the positive truth everytime I start to spiral back.

Go outdoors. Even better, go for a walk. You'll always feel better afterwards. Perhaps you feel low when your levels of serotonin drop, so find ways to boost them. Phone a friend. Do something kind. Tell someone how you feel. Set a goal e.g. to do a 5km fun run. Wishing you well.

Thank you that's helpful. Is that what cbt is about then trying to help you unpick how your feelings may not be based on truth? Do therapists tell you what to think? How does it work please? X

that's what I beat myself up about

Is that your default response to making a mistake? (It is for waaaay too many people).

Taking that analogy back in time when does 'beating yourself up' become unacceptable? Would you chastise toddler you for spilling a drink? Would you scold primary school you for falling over an ripping a favourite dress? Would you lay into teenage you for misreading the question in an exam?

Making mistakes is what humans do. If we didn't make mistakes we wouldn't make any decisions, make any choices or learn anything. No one wakes in the morning and decides to deliberately screw over their life.

This guide to Core Beliefs might help you better understand yourself;

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

I think I don't dwell on what I cannot change. It has happened, I cannot change it so what is the point of going back over it over and over? I always tend to look forward and identify positive things throughout the day. You have to acknowledge that you made the decision at the time with the information you had. Hindsight is always 20/20.

Apparently if you wake up and say to yourself, today is going to be a great day your brain actively looks and acknowledges the positives, the same is true for negatives.

Many years ago my Mum had an article from the newspaper and it had a negative and then a positive look on it, so you manage to get a parking space at the supermarket but it is the furthest from the door. I am glad that I am able bodied enough to be able to walk that distance. My gas bill is ridiculously high, I am glad I have a roof over my head and a working central heating system. It was stuff like that.

Thank you I will look into this and I appreciate you sharing your views its definitely food for thought.

As a child I didn't really have understanding parents, if i did something wrong there were harsh consequences. I did get physically abused as a child so I don't know if that is why I am so hard on myself.. do you think this is possible? And yes it is my default position when I do wrong I beat myself up. I wish I was kinder to myself but I don't actually know how to be.

On reflection I haven't had much confidence in my life (im 41) and after getting this decision wrong my confidence is even more on the floor along with my self esteem. I want to feel better i have a lot to be grateful for i just cant help focus on this negative. I don't really want to get any formal therapy I want to try get better without that x

Thank you thats good advice. That article sounds great I wish there were more things like that out there to try help people with getting perspective x

Great advice above. You could try the ‘Mindful Self-compassion workbook’ by Kristen Neff. It takes you quite gently through a process of being kinder to yourself and changing how you perceive things.

Following

My username may give you an idea of my ‘life changing’ decision

@Hello55 You need to stop the thought it its tracks and question it? Is it actually true? Why does this one thing define your self worth? Look for examples of times when you have made great decisions, almost provide a counter argument to yourself. Write several of them down.

The past is done, learn to forgive and let go. I would think of something you did that made you feel great and have that ready to think of the second you start to dwell on that negative thought.

I grew up in an abusive household so I can sympathise. I found great help in Buddhism. I have been practicing for the last 12 years. Daily chanting and monthly discussion meetings with fellow Buddhists have really helped me to look at myself and others with more compassion. You can find more info or connect with your local group via SGI-UK website https://sgi-uk.org/

Sometimes it can be helpful to consider negative and realistic thoughts, rather than positive.
So" I can't believe I'm so stupid, why did I make that decision, no one else what have made such a dumb choice"
Becomes, "I thought about the decision. I made the best call I could at time, I am not the only person who makes choices that they sometimes regret "
CBT isn't really about thinking positively so much as recognizing when you are thinking emotionally and untruthfully and replacing these thoughts with more factually correct thoughts.