I ruined my life

[Foolish16]

Been tossing and turning all night. Deep sadness and arms aching.

In February, in a moment of panic and stupidity, I aborted what should have been my 3rd child. If was too easy... Here are your pills, problem solved. Except it wasn't. Regret was near instant. Deep depression #1 set in.

Months of not sleeping or eating properly. Apathy towards what I used to care about. Decided to try again for another baby... An ectopic pregnancy with my tube removed. Devastated but not as devastated as after the abortion.

Lucky to get pregnant again. Last week an early miscarriage.

My grief is never ending. It burns through me. Families with 3 children break my heart. What should have been. The baby who should be here now. Another mum at school with children the same age just gave birth to her 3rd this week.
My friend's baby just a few months older. How can we ever spend time together again?

I don't think there's a way forward. My bleak heartbroken nightmare. A mess if my own making. I used to be so happy.

How old are your two children?

You made the decision that felt right at the time. Please don't be angry at yourself for that.

I am sorry you are feeling so incredibly sad at the moment. It sounds like you have had a really difficult year. You sound like you need some professional help to help you come to terms with the loss you've experienced this year. You haven't ruined your life, you are maybe living a different one to the one you hoped for and need help to come to terms with that. I would speak to your GP about how you are feeling in the first instance, if not for you for the 2 children you already have. SANDs charity also support parents who have lost babies including through miscarriage and would be able to offer you help to process what you have experienced.

OP you made what you believed was the right decision at the time, for you and for your existing children. That’s all we can ever do, so don’t be angry with yourself. You will absolutely feel better, but it needs a bit of help and you need support.

Please ring your GP this morning though, you do need some urgent help, for you and your children’s sake.

If you can afford some therapy please get some, as it will be quicker than via the NHS, but I suspect the GP will offer medication also which to allow you to start to feel better will be useful in the short term.

Do also contact Tommys the miscarriage charity (don’t worry about your duel experience of termination and miscarriage - that’s very common) - they have a list of other charities too. They may recommendations of low cost therapy.

Do get some help.

Try not to dwell on the past op, you made the decision for whatever reasons felt right for you at the time. You need some help to work through what you're feeling now so you can focus on and take joy in the two children you have. Life doesn't often end up going the way we expected/wanting it to, I always thought I'd be married and have two children but I'm now a single parent to one and can't have any more. But I've made peace with it, and am now happy.

As others have said, you made the right decision for you at the time. When you are feeling so very low you will always find the precise set of 'what ifs' that will make you feel most tormented about your earlier decision (whatever that decision had been). It is your depression speaking, and goodness knows it isn't surprising that you are depressed after having faced three such difficult events.

You need and deserve help, op. Do contact your doctor, and the charities that other posters have mentoned. They will understand, and they will have the compassion that you deserve. Please be kind to yourself xxxxx

You must have had a reason to terminate the pregnancy - what was it?

I am sending you loads of hugs. I am in the same boat but I can't have any more kids and every day I just try to be grateful for what I do have - a lovely daughter and marriage. Going on a family holiday really helped me, and I am taking Mirtazapine for sleep and therapy every week x

Wow thank you, I wasn't expecting any responses when I wrote this. I've been at work all day which helps make me feel a bit better/distracted.

I have started taking setraline, just 25mg at the moment but don't feel any effect yet. Also worried about it having an impact on my fertility as I'd also taken it previously when the ectopic happened...

A lot of you saying I made the right decision at the time, sadly I really can't believe this. My heavy regret was within a couple of hours I just really got it dreadfully wrong.

@Eyesopenwideawake my children are 3 and 5.

@Bobtheamazinggingerdog worried about balancing the needs of three children. Worried it would negatively impact my current children's lives. Worried about my career. Worried about lack of family support. Worried about a strain on my relationship with my husband (turns out my depression since is much more of a strain). Worries worries worries. But it would have been fine.

Awake again. What would I give to go back to this time last year. I was so happy.

Oh OP it will pass and you're taking the right steps with taking meds. Have you considered counselling? You made a choice that was right for you at the time with the information you had - all very sensible and reasonable. It's ok to grieve for what could have been. Keep in mind why you made that decision. Sometimes we can idealise things when it's something we feel we want and don't have, but along with the good of a baby are the struggles that we can easily overlook when in the head space you are.

Take time and be kind to yourself. Try access some talking therapy so you have a safe space to explore how you feel and come to a place where you can manage these emotions. Things will get better. Remember, even when we're falling as long as we're falling forward we're still moving in the right direction.

I've tried counselling but it doesn't help. I just cry and cry and cry afterwards. My heart just feels broken behind repair. My head just plays things over and over again.

Thank you for your kindness.

This is around the time your baby would have been born, so that is probably why you are feeling strongly at the moment. You need to allow yourself to grieve and accept that, although you would make a different decision if you had the time over, you made the decision at the time that you thought was right. You can't change it but you can't stop living either. Grief is horrible and it can feel like we can never be whole again. That's not true though and time does help, even if we never forget. I hope you can forgive yourself so that you can move forward. If not for yourself, for your children.

worried about balancing the needs of three children. Worried it would negatively impact my current children's lives. Worried about my career. Worried about lack of family support. Worried about a strain on my relationship with my husband (turns out my depression since is much more of a strain). Worries worries worries. But it would have been fine.

Those are all very real, very legitimate concerns. Can you see that you've discounted them all in favour of that one last sentence? Are you sure you wouldn't have had regrets, based on everything you identified as worries?

Thank you. I think once the baby was here it would have been fine. Or whatever I did feel wouldn't compare to the endless grief I carry with me now. I feel doomed to spend forevermore with an imaginary younger sibling for my children. How do I cope for all of my life seeing children that age.

It will get easier over time, as does any loss. It might stay with you but it will get easier. Part of grief is having to navigate the reminders that sometimes suddenly are right in your face. I can't say more than I've already said other than to reassure you again, it does get easier with time.

You were happy before so you will be again. Accept the situation as it is, and move forward with the grieving process - easier said than done I know. Often it's about accepting that you will be sad for a while, and not fighting against this because this can make you feel worse. Maybe you will have a third, but maybe not - either way, you are going to be fine x

@Foolish16 hope you’re doing a little better now ❤️