Addicted to a relationship that is destroying me

[Cdk92]

I don’t even know where to start 😞I’m so desperate for a friend, an impartial friend. If I didn’t hurt anyone by doing so, I wish I could disappear. Sorry, I’m just so down and scared about coping; coping if I stay, coping if I leave, just coping. Is there a happily ever after with either choice?

Sometimes being in an abusive or toxic relationship makes you feel much less strong than you are. When I left my ex I was genuinely terrified about how I'd cope without the relationship but equally I was so exhausted by it that I knew I had nothing left to give it. When I left don't get me wrong there were bits about it that were hard and lonely, but it was much worse being with him. Within a year I had a new house, car, job, was back in touch with friends and family I'd drifted from and felt much better in myself. I went for therapy and the helped me unpack the things he made me believe about myself and why I felt like the relationship was OK to be in initial despite the red flags. I focused on myself, my friendships, new hobbies etc and now I feel so much stronger than I was before I ever met him. If it's at the point where you're wanting to just disappear, then it's time to cut ties and think about what you actually want from life outside of this person. Is this a partner, friend, spouse? If they've been abusive you can also get support from womens aid, it doesn't need to be physical abuse, it can be emotional as well.

I'm up late distressed for the same reason OP. It's so painful. It feels as though no matter what you do, it will hurt.
I tell myself that change is the only constant: that things will evolve to a point where I know what path to take and that I won't hurt at some point in the future. I'm so unhappy but feel unable to leave. But I know life will bring with it some future clarity, even if I don't feel it right now.
Are you able to access some counselling in real life? That might help you work through your options. I hope things ease soon.

Thank you for your message and I am glad to hear you are out of a horrid situation and are hopefully much happier. You are so brave!! It is my partner. I’ve been here before in mum’s net with my first ever post. I’m ashamed to say I got sucked back in. We are engaged. I cancelled the wedding before. But he convinced me he’d changed. I booked it again. I feel so ashamed and stupid. But I’m still crapping myself to leave. He’s told me if he’s so abusive then I really am pathetic to have stayed, and I feel I can’t really argue that, he’s right. My self worth really is that low, or on the flip side i then wonder if I’m overreacting, if I made this all up x

Ohh I’m so sorry to hear. I’m right here with you, I’d hold your hand through it in a virtual sense. Yes I can do that, I’ve been to a therapist about this relationship before. I got stronger, I was accepting of how wrong it is. But I went back. I know, I feel so ashamed and weak. I am addicted I think. He’s killing me, but I cannot leave either, I feel stuck and desperate.

I'm so sorry for your pain OP, why can't you call off the engagement and leave? You're not tied to him, you need to prioritize yourself or you'll end up worse.

Thank you 🙏🏻 I can, well, I doubt my own ability to but physically nothing forces me to marry him. It’s the shame of it all, I think. I feel I’m the odd one out in my family. It seems everyone else manages to cope but something is just off with me and things crumble. I’ve hopped jobs over the years when I have had ones I’ve hated, I’ve moved back to my poor mum’s place more times than I can count in this relationship, I know my mum has had the horrible burden of thinking I may do something silly to myself in the past following the end of another long term relationship. I just feel like a failure. This person in my life is not good for me, I know it, yet I have still apologised and even begged when it starts to go the other way and he shuts me down. I can only imagine this is the relationship form of being addicted to a substance. Does that make any sense?