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Mum keeps checking her skin for lumps until she bleeds.

7 replies

roxiann · 12/11/2023 09:36

Hi. My mum has a diagnosed form of OCD. She has extreme worries. She thinks she has lumps on her skin, she sees lumps on other people, thinks she's always dying, things will set on fire, the tv will fall off the wall and we all have something wrong with us.

She had it since I was little, I'm now 36. She's retired and lives with my step dad in a lovely home with a dog. She's drinks a lot of wine, she's very negative, hates dark nights and being alone.

She's had all forms of help and advice from talking to people to hypnosis but she never seems to want to get better. She says she wants to but then resorts back to the same routine or worrying and checking. She doesn't use any of the tools and advice she's given.

I live 3 hours away and I get txts of her telling me she's down and worried about something. Last night she told me she was been picking a spot on her arm so much that it's bleeding and she now thinks it's cancer. I told her to get it checked but she then changed the subject. Whenever I offer advice on positive thinking and mindfulness she just changes the subject. It frustrates me that she will txt me asking for help but then changes the subject when I do. I don't think my step dad helps either. He's too easy on her :( he's a lovely person, very relaxed and doesn't want to upset her. He checks her lumps for her and I feel he feeds the problem.

She has a lovely life. We all love her and want her to get better but she has to want to help herself. I am running out of ideas and feel like I'm repeating myself to her. It's very difficult for me and my step dad to see her like this but I don't know how to help her. I know it's a horrible illness but why doesn't she try to get better? Do I just accept it? Any advice would be much appreciated.
Kindest.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 12/11/2023 21:59

I am running out of ideas

Kindly, it's not up to you to come up with ideas. She's been alive for 36+ years more than you and she's chosen not to engage with the help that's been provided/suggested.

Have you considered that she finds a (possibly subconscious) secondary benefit in being ill? It currently gets her lots of attention from you, her husband and medical professionals so it could be that she fears being 'normal' because she will have nothing to focus on and will cease to be relevant.

roxiann · 13/11/2023 12:32

Eyesopenwideawake · 12/11/2023 21:59

I am running out of ideas

Kindly, it's not up to you to come up with ideas. She's been alive for 36+ years more than you and she's chosen not to engage with the help that's been provided/suggested.

Have you considered that she finds a (possibly subconscious) secondary benefit in being ill? It currently gets her lots of attention from you, her husband and medical professionals so it could be that she fears being 'normal' because she will have nothing to focus on and will cease to be relevant.

Hi. Thanks for the reply.

Sadly, I agreed with you and have always had the feeling that she likes the attention due to some kind of trauma when she was younger.
Maybe it's time to step back, see it for what it is and stop trying so much to cure her. I love her dearly but it's exhausting.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 13/11/2023 12:51

It’s very sad but this is something that’s out of your control. There is nothing you can say or do that will stop her thinking and acting like this.
I have a relative who worked for many years in mental health. They said that OCD is pretty much impossible to treat in many cases and it was heartbreaking and frustrating to work with people who had severe OCD. Families just had to live with it and find ways to not let it affect their own lives.

Beamur · 13/11/2023 12:57

You can't cure her. Seeking reassurance is part of this and you're right, it doesn't actually help.
Your Mum has had all the advice and support but unless she actually wants to address it, nothing will change. OCD is very hard to be in the grips of and many people find it 'easier' to go with the compulsions as resisting them all the time is exhausting.
Decide what support you can give, listen, sympathise but change the subject?

roxiann · 13/11/2023 13:05

Beamur · 13/11/2023 12:57

You can't cure her. Seeking reassurance is part of this and you're right, it doesn't actually help.
Your Mum has had all the advice and support but unless she actually wants to address it, nothing will change. OCD is very hard to be in the grips of and many people find it 'easier' to go with the compulsions as resisting them all the time is exhausting.
Decide what support you can give, listen, sympathise but change the subject?

Changing the subject is something I have been working on lately and it does seem to help.

OP posts:
roxiann · 13/11/2023 13:11

I see what people mean about the attention part: I had a txt today about her being rough and poorly this week. She said it might be covid (but she won't do a test) I replied saying "yes, it could be covid or just a cold"

........ no reply because I'm not agreeing with her or giving her sympathy.

OP posts:
Hotpinkangel19 · 13/11/2023 14:06

I've got a similar type of OCD and it's absolutely horrendous to live with. You can't help but need constant reassurance and even when you get it it doesn't always help

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