It all just feels so pointless

[whydoesitfeel]

I've not worked for 12 years (raising DC) and never really had much of a "career". I worked in offices as admin/secretarial and my highest salary was 21k. It's been so long and tech has moved on, my skills have stagnated and i'm not energetic any more. I'm having a terrible year and really feel working would give me a sense of purpose, but I'm also petrified i'll find it too hard to wake up and do a basic routine again. I remember nights worrying about office politics, what to wear, how to squeeze in the housework and I wonder if I should just not try again to be safe. Maybe I'm living a great life but just have no focus. DC are now grown and don't need me. I have two dogs and my day is all about walking them and doing things in the house. My friends all work. I have no hobbies and am too scared to start something in case I don't do well or complete it, which would also mean a waste of money. I'm scared to do things like that alone and have to talk to people and explain I've not had a job for so long as they always judge. I've started feeling like I can't breathe when I really think about it, and having what I think are panic attacks when I think of the next 20-40 years alone. I feel I bring everyone down when I talk and seem to be very negative all of the time. I don't think I used to be like that but I can't seem to change the course of my conversations to positive ones anymore. There isn't anything that is positive to talk about. I'm fairly sure I annoy all of my "friends" because they don't ask to meet up unless with DC. I have no other family left. I feel very guilty for feeling this way as I have a place to live and enough money for the basics, so not struggling like some are. It feels very unfair that I am so ungrateful for this life when others have less and can be happy. I just don't know what the point of it all is? I've done travelling, having kids, making a nice house, having a job, trying out hobbies, walking every day...it all just feels like trying to complete a jigsaw that isn't real. It all feels fake to me; it seems to make other people happy but not me. What can I do?

How about trying something that will make a difference and will ease you back into the world, volunteering - maybe at your local dog shelter, or anywhere who will appreciate your time and life experience.

Thank you. I did look into this last year but our local dog shelter needs people to commit to 3 days a week and 6 hours a day minimum, for stability. I wouldn't be able to do that and look after my two, especially in the winter months with the light going. I hate dog walking alone in the dark! You are right though, volunteering has seemed like the way to go before and I think when I tried last year it made me feel even less useful because I couldn't commit enough time. I hate to think I'd be letting anyone down.

Sorry to hear this op - sounds like you could be depressed? Maybe go to your GP?

You are at a turning point, by the sound of it.

Have you heard of Jung's theory about the two halves of life?

https://medium.com/mind-cafe/carl-jungs-theory-for-why-life-is-a-tale-of-two-halves-f8e08cdcbfdc

It can be discombobulating or even anxiety-making to feel that you don't know what comes next. And it can also be exciting, maybe? Change and transforming can be uncomfortable but they are also necessary and inevitable. It sounds to me like you need to spend some time working out how you feel, what you want from life, where you want to go and how you want to live.

What about a philosophy course? Maybe Open University, so you could learn at your own pace?

I also recommend a couple of books: 'The Joy Diet' by Martha Beck (not about a food diet, but about working out what makes you happy. 'Finding your North Star', same author, was also interesting, and quite funny.

This is supposed to be good, although I havent read it! https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/9963483

There are volunteering opportunities that call for less time, or are flexible. What about knitting blankets for premature babies, or doing a beach clean, or a litter pick?

https://www.prima.co.uk/craft/knitting-patterns/a43364107/knit-charity-baby/

https://www.mcsuk.org/what-you-can-do/join-a-beach-clean/

https://www.keepbritaintidy.org/get-involved/volunteer

What about Parkrun?

https://www.parkrun.org.uk/

Re the anxiety - and the guilt - please don't feel guilty. You deserve to be happy just as much as everyone else. Have you considered seeking some therapy, a counsellor, perhaps, to talk about your feelings somewhere safe and understanding?

Wishing you all the very best, OP.

Thank you so much for the links. I am looking into the beach cleans and litter picks, which I used to do with the DC. I also love the idea of learning again although maybe small steps to get my confidence back. At the moment I'm worrying about money a lot so extra expenses such as therapy and OU scare me. My exH was a staunch no-therapy type and told me people just get self obsessed and wasted money on it, so I need to unpick that a bit alongside spending on myself. I get a bit overwhelmed if I think about going over everything that has happened, even just from this year, with someone else in case they think I'm over reacting - panic attack breathing makes me feel very flappy and irrational which scares me and feels a bit "put on" IYKWIM even though I can't control it.
Thank you though, I think with small steps I can build on myself again.

Half the trouble with anxiety and depression is feeling that we 'shouldn't' be feeling it.

You feel what you feel. Of course anxiety makes you anxious! A good therapist or counsellor will completely understand and will be supportive.

Small steps is always a good idea, in my experience, especially when you're anxious about taking them. But keep taking them!

There are a lot of free courses online, if you're worried about expense. Depending on what you're interested in. Lots of free art courses, writing, etc.

https://www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses

https://nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/find-a-course/where-to-find-free-online-learning

And help with anxiety:

https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/

They're running a six week online crochet course, in fact:

https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/promotional/

There is too much pressure on people to do things This is because people do not want to be friendly or do things to help I
think (others may disagree)
So we have to do v work etc as it is easier than helping someone
Just be yourself for a while

I’m studying with the OU and it’s all being paid for with student finance. I’m working as is DH so I can’t see why you wouldn’t be eligible.
I’m sorry you’re feeling wobbly. Me too.
Could it be menopause related?

Volunteering got me out of the darkness. I did 6 months admin in a covid centre (great for my cv) and I currently volunteer in a foodbank, it's one afternoon a week and makes me feel good and meet people.

There is so much you can do. Get googling :)

Thank you all! Yes it could be that time of life! I should get that checked out.

Also yes to OU. I did a degree not so long ago, well, now nearly a decade ago, so might add to that.

I actually met a friend today who is doing a concert for a charity that supports women in prison. I've been watching the BBC drama and love OITNB years ago, which has inspired me to see if they have anything in my area that I can help volunteer for. I only just got in so about to google it.

Sounds fab, OP. Carpe Diem!