I just don't belong anywhere

[Geordiebabe85]

I genuinely don't know where to start or why I'm posting, I think I just want to know if anyone else feel like this.

I've NEVER fitted in. At primary school I was the odd one, too tall, goofy and a bit weird. At secondary school it took me at least a year to settle in, same at college. I then developed an eating disorder which weirdly gave me some confidencr but I still always felt like an outsider.

Now at work I have 1 proper friend. When talking to colleagues I feel awkward and end up saying something stupid or I get flustered and end up stuttering.
I have 2 small children and we go to a few music class type things. The other parents are polite to me but I just don't seem to be able to get past the "good morning" with any of them. But they're all really chatty with everyone else.

I feel like I've been depressed my whole life and I've been on ADs for about 15 years. I have ups and downs going from I really don't want to be on the planet anymore to go to I can get thru another 30 years. I've tried therapy which helped with the ED but honestly, I feel like I'm unfixable and I am just broken. I recently did online CBT which helped in the short term.

I'm married but not happily. After my youngest was born I was horrifically depressed and anxious. The only support I got from him was "you need to sort yourself out". Yesterday I cried (from tiredness). He saw but did not say a word. While my 3 year old tried to comfort me.

I'm really worried that my awkwardness and social problems are going to affect my children. I don't want them to spend their lives feeling like they don't belong.

I feel like this too sometimes. A lot of thos feels so familiar. I am being tested for autism, after a lot of younger members of my family were diagnosed and I recognised traits. I don't know what I will do with the information, but I suppose it makes sense.

I don't worry about having lots of friends though, I just think quality over quantity.

Thank you for replying. I have often wondered if I'm autistic. I've definitely got traits.
How have you gone about getting tested?

Your husband sounds crap and unsupportive but he has got a point about what he said yesterday, although I give him 0/10 for delivery.
Your social life and your mental health are things only you can manage. No one else can do it for you.
Some people find these things easy to manage. And some of us find it really difficult.
It’s good that you’re trying to meet some people and make some connections through things like the baby music class. It’s a pity things aren’t gelling with this group but that doesn’t mean anything more than that. It’s not some terrible reflection on you as a person. Making friends is a lot like online dating. In some respects it’s a numbers game. You just have to keep trying things until you meet people who you click with. Friendships are also somewhat transactional. They work when both people get something from the relationship - a chance to vent to each other, a feeling of mutual understanding, company on an activity you both enjoy.
This feeling of rejection must be extra hurtful at the moment because you are not feeling heard or valued in your relationship with your husband either.
Are you family any good? If they are, lean on them a bit more at the moment. Call your mum a bit more often. Organize a visit.
I think you should look for some different mum and baby groups. Keep trying new ones until you feel like you’re enjoying it. - Give each one a few goes though. It takes time sometimes to feel comfortable. Also fake a little bit of interest in the other mums and their babies. Don’t wait for them to ask about you and your baby, ask about theirs. Standard opening questions are ´Are they a little boy or a little girl?’ (If it’s not obvious by clothing choice) ´How old is he/she?’ ´Is she/he your first?’. You can even try some of these with your current mum and baby group - a good one might be ´how are you finding mat leave?’ and you could confide ´The days with no adult conversation until DH comes home are really starting to get to me’.

I could've written this post a few years ago. I didn't know I was Autistic until I was diagnosed in middle age.
You can go to your GP and ask to be referred for an assessment :

Thank you. I'd love to scrap one particular class but my little girl LOVES it and would be devastated.
My family are.... Interesting. I don't get on with my parents at all and my sister has a lot of her own problems at the mo.

Thank you. How long did the process take? Has it helped u at all or changed how u think about things?

I went private in the end as the waiting list for assessment in my area was over 2 years. It still took 9 months until I saw the psychologist.
The actual process of assessment involved lots of forms to fill out, and some forms for my partner. There were also forms for a parent or relative who has known you since childhood to complete, so they can assess how long your signs of autism may have been there. Then there were 3 separate sessions with a psychologist, each 2 hours long. I found it very affirming and since then I have been more accepting of myself.

Instead of seeing myself as someone who has the potential to be "normal" but somehow continually failing at it, I now know I'm not neurotypical and don't need to try to be.
I don't make myself do things that make me uncomfortable just because I think I should. I recognise when socialising has worn down my batteries and take time out afterwards, sometimes even 2 or 3 days.
I avoid places that make me overstimulated, for example events at which there are likely to be several conversations going on at once, music and bright lights. And I don't feel guilty about it. Has made me a better parent and friend as I'm not run ragged, exhausted, stressed and anxious.