Looking for advice - completely lost

[louise1997]

Hi this will be a long post but I am just looking for a bit of advice really. So when I was 3 I was taken off my mum due to her terrible mental health (bipolar) and went to live with my nan, where I suffered awful emotional and physical abuse until I was 13 and ran away to my friends house where I stayed for 4 months and then went into care, where I stayed until I moved out with my ex when I was 20. Split up with ex last year and had no where to go so I've had to come back to my nans 😣 I'm 24 now and there is no abuse but I just hate being here so much and I feel so so trapped. I'm currently on council waiting list for a flat. I work full time working nights in a care home but everything is just so expensive where I live to rent private, I feel like giving up at this point. Aswell I went through a awful break up with my first girlfriend earlier this year and this has absolutely broke me, along with everything else going on. I feel like I can't live without her and it's been so long 😞 I have overdosed twice this year and started self harming again in secret which I haven't done since I was a teen. I started drinking all the time and taking c*caine, basically just getting off my nut. I've stopped taking drugs now lol cos it makes me too paranoid but I still drink quite a lot and go on benders with random girls, really I'm just looking for my ex gf in someone else. It's hard to explain but I feel like she was like a mother to me and she just abandoned me? Obviously this is rooted from all my childhood trauma. I have an appointment on the 10th at the doctors but I just don't know how to cope, I get such bad suicidal thoughts. My mum comes round my nans house everyday with her dog, screaming at the dog constant. I just hate her and my family so so much for everything they put me through. I'm so nasty to my mum and she tries her best with me but I just resent her, mainly cos she doesn't accept she's done anything wrong. I get along with my nan when it's just me and her and I do love my nan but usually I just stay in my room and midt the time I'm sleeping in the day cos of working nights. Nobody knows about my heartbreak with this girl either. It's my bday tomorrow and I haven't got one friend to go out with cos I can't keep friendships cos I'm so self destructive, it's like I don't exist sometimes 😞 I only just manage to keep my job. I'm going to stay in a hotel tonight to get away from everything, I just feel so alone and traumatised and like I have no one and everyone leaves me. I get such bad suicidal thoughts and it really scares me. I'm just looking for comfort I guess and maybe some advice 😞 xxx

I'm so sorry - you've had a really tough time. Please tell your doctor everything you've said here (print it out or show them the thread if you feel awkward about saying it out loud). Could you get a house/flat share (maybe with one of your colleagues) or is that out of reach financially?

From what you've said your mum was in a really bad place when you were small but she shouldn't be shouting at the dog. Could you take it for a walk while she's at your nan's? That would be good for the dog, good for your mum and also good for you to get out of the house for a while.

@Eyesopenwideawake thanks for ur reply ☹️ no I can't really take the dog out he's very aggressive. He got out my nans house last week and attacked a little Yorkshire terrier it was awful 😢 she needs to rehome the dogs but she won't listen so I've just give up talking to her. I've contacted the rspca I think they are going to investigate. Yeah I'm going to tell the doctors what I've said here. I've had counselling before when I was about 15/16 but I think I was too immature for it to help me so maybe now I'm older it'll help. Once I get my own place then things might start getting better. And I am looking at rooms to rent right now on Zoopla xx

It sounds like you have had a rough ride, it's good you're going to the doc's, counselling might be a good call now. Try and do something nice for yourself tomorrow!