How can I stop being reactive and angry?

[fingerbreathing]

Just that really. Has anyone got any tips as to how to keep calm and not react? I find I get angry so quickly, and that any conscious thoughts just don't have time to develop. I am only like this with a particular person, who I cannot avoid but who I find deeply distressing.

Also, any tips on how to have conversations/ discussions which avoid conflict? I am trying to teach my kids this, but this was not modelled in my own childhood and I am not sure I even know how to do this? Any tips or resources would be really appreciated.

Thank you.

IME professional help is needed. You could get free counselling through your employer and self refer through occupational health. Try listening to Gabor Mate on YouTube for free, very helpful explaining on habitual behaviors and their root. In the short term Diazepam can help, as you sound anxious and maybe hypervidulent. Half of a tablet helps me every now and again if I notice anxiety increasing and it stops the cycle and let's me rest. Learn to say no. Its a game changer. Simply do not do ANYTHING you don't want to or truly need to do. Don't have toxic relationships.

Thanks. I tried the free counselling through my employer, but it was useless. She didn't give me any tips or advice but at the last session told me that I had to understand this person and how they can't help it, and that just made me breakdown in tears. I have spent twenty years focussing on understanding this person, who has spent not one second understanding me. I don't need to be told to make myself even more small and invisible by focussing even more on them.

I'll look up the you tube recommendation. Thanks.

hypervidulent When I googled this it came back with hypervigilance. Did you mean this? I think I do have this, yes.

Why can't you avoid this person?

I don't want to go into that because then the conversation will move onto that, rather than what I need help with right now.

Fair enough. Have a look at the Grey Rock and Broken Record techniques. Both help you stop being drawn into distressing exchanges without the other person being aware.

Oh, and

Thanks for this : )

It's extremely difficult to have to interact with someone who you find deeply distressing. Your anger may be a justified and healthy response to someone who is trampling over your feelings and boundaries. They are provoking your fight response and most likely a surge of adrenaline, so physically it's quite difficult to push back when your body is shouting out for you to fight to keep yourself safe.

I think you're right to look for tools so you can manage your anger with this person who provokes it because, as you say, they don't have the capacity to understand or care about how you're feeling. As PP mentioned above, Grey Rock and Broken Record Technique work well with difficult people when you have to interact with them.

This is also interesting for learning about how to manage toxic people/situations:

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But it's also important to express those feelings of anger in a healthy way. Go for a run, do a boxing class, scream into a pillow, write it out in a diary. Yoga with Adriene has a couple of good classes for anger/rage if you like yoga!

hi Fingermane, sending you lots of sympathy with this one as i tend to react quickly myself. I agree with Inthemane on justified anger, so just add a few thoughts.. When we are angry it means we have a desperate need for something that we aren't getting which borders into desperation. You said:
I have spent twenty years focussing on understanding this person, who has spent not one second understanding me.
It sounds like you desperately need acknowledgement of you/your needs; to be heard; that what you need matters just as much as this other person. And you arent getting it. Can you spend 5 minutes with yourself and listen to you instead of anybody else - even if that means hanging out in your bathroom if you need to avoid somebody? i found this video always helpful https://cupofempathy.com/daily-5-minute-nvc-practice/

I grew up in an abusive household with no respect for personal boundaries, active addition and lots of shouting. I have been a practicing Buddhist for the last 12 years. I read "Buddha in Your Mirror" book and never looked back. I found my local Buddhist group through SGI-UK. When I tell people I used to be a very angry person no one believes me🙂

Thank you so much everyone! There are so many helpful things to look at and pursue here.

You are right that the anger is justified, and that's what makes it harder. And yes, I think my response is rooted in instinctive survival reactions.

Can you spend 5 minutes with yourself and listen to you instead of anybody else

I quite like this idea! I do try to get in the usual self self care stuff physically, running or walking and fitness and being outdoors. I also try to get social meetups too. But its not enough to control my reactions around this person. Each interaction just triggers 20 years of painful interactions. Which is why I posted as I know I need something more. I should try to find time for some mental relaxation stuff too, so quite like the 'listening to yourself', and maybe practising some calming type techniques each day for 5 mins or something.

Further to my earlier message... I just chant Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo over and over again for a minimum10 minutes twice a day (a lot more when I am stressed). It has very profound Buddhist meaning which I am not going to go in detail here. When I chant first thing in the morning I visualise what my day is going to be. When I chant in the evening I reflect on the day and how I could handled different situations better. My daily practice has helped me enormously with all areas of my life, not just anger issues

With others you are fine but this person makes you angry and upset. Did they do anything wrong..if they did, you should tell them as it may make you feel better. If it's irrational, then you need to look inside yourself and rationalise it for example they're rude because they had a bad time at school. Also if you find yourself being agitated, physically move yourself in the room or don't look at their face look beyond their face. Or you could just avoid them if you can, if you can't be polite but don't involve yourself