Finding the courage to ask for help

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My mood has been terrible for months now and i've just been ignoring it, this has finally accumulated in multiple days in the last week where I haven't been able to do anything but cry, after another breakdown last night I have realised this can't go on. Its going to lead to DH leaving me, me loosing my job etc.
I am not in the UK and I can't afford regular therapy this is why I have been ignoring the problem really. I also think maybe this is beyond what therapy can help with. I had CBT in the past and didn't find it hugely helpful. I am however terrified of antidepressants, the side effects, weight gain, becoming stuck on them for life.
I have spent all morning talking myself in and out of making a doctors appointment. I keep typing in the number and then panicking and cancelling the call.
I am so anxious all the time my chest is tight and its hard to breathe. My hands shake so I can't use them properly, I have no energy, I am a horrible and snappy person every little thing makes me angry and upset but when I think about it afterwards I know i've over reacted and I wouldn't blame my DH for leaving me but I wasn't always like this. I just can't figure out how to be the happy calm human I was 12 months ago.

Show your husband what you have posted here.
Anti depressents are a treatment, same as blood pressure medication or a cast. I would strongly encourage you to use them. Write a list down for your doctor in case you feel overwhelmed by the appointment, again pretty much what you have written here.
Good luck.

If you can't call the GP yet, call Mind. Talk to them about medication and learn more about whether your fears about side effects are realistic or exaggerated. Many people find medication extremely helpful. Many people only use them for a period.

Also, you can break down the conversation with the GP into two - the first one where you ask about the options they recommend. Then you go away. Then you go back for any prescription.

If you are crying, you can always call the Samaritans and they will listen. That can really help in that moment. But longer term a plan is needed.

I agree with telling your husband too.

I have talked to my husband he is trying to be supportive although I don't think he fully gets it. But my mood has lead to so many fights recently that its taking its toll and I wouldn't blame him for walking its not a nice way to live. I think writing a list is a good idea, I went to a doctor a few months ago planning to discuss this and ended up freezing and not really getting across what was going on.
I think the fear of medication stems from when I last had a serious bout of poor mental health as a teenager, the anxiety lead to an eating disorder which took a long time to recover from fully but I refused to take any medication offered because I was terrified I would gain weight. I know now that is not a rational reason but the physical side effects still scare me. Its like that fear has been burned into my brain.

What happened between 12 months ago and now? What's brought you to this place?

Nothing major has happened, work has bee quite stressful but not inordinately so. Its been a slow thing rather than overnight. Slowly I just seem to have become more miserable, less able to take a joke, less able to handle any minor inconvenience until now I feel like I can't handle life at all.

Any family or friends around you?

Would you be able to approach your doctor on the basis of asking for a full check up because you've been feeling increasingly unwell over the last few months?

Not a lie - there could well be some underlying physical issue (thyroid springs to mind) that's causing you to feel like you're unable to cope. Don't automatically assume it's a mental health problem simply because that was an issue in the past.

@whoamI00 no family around, all in a different country and no friends I feel I can talk to about this.
@Eyesopenwideawake that is a good idea, I had my thyroid tested recently and it was ok but perhaps it will help me find the guts to make the appointment.
I’m feeling calmer and more rational this evening, the suicidal thoughts have calmed. Trying to ignore the part of my brain that saying this is clearly because I’m fine and was just being pathetic.
Going to call the doctors tomorrow

Would it help to write a list of your symptoms for your GP? I've done that before, and it just took the pressure off a bit in the appointment.

Good luck OP.

Hello all,
Just popping in with an update I managed to get myself to the GP and talk at least about some of the issues. She has accepted me not wanting to try medication so we agreed on some supplements along with some prescribed not very strong sleeping pills to start. also she has run a range of bloods to rule out things like deficiency, thyroid etc that could be causing me to feel this way. I have another appointment scheduled for 2 weeks to see how things are going.
I am doing much better this week, I think part of that is because I now feel like theirs something being done to help and therefore perhaps I won't always feel this way.
I am taking a supplement with 5-HTP, Lemon balm, Magnesium and a few other herbs as well as valerian root and the sleeping pills (Actually just drowsy antihistamines). I have managed to sleep a bit better since starting these so I think thats helping also.

Just wanted to update you and thankyou for the support in getting me to the Drs

Lovely update, I hope you keep feeling better 🙂.

Great to hear
Also glad you have a GP that is open to looking at things like lemon balm, magnesium etc.
Keep going with the check ups.