How do I help? In over my head

[Bowie16]

Hi. Really need advice. I am trying to help a young person who says was abused as a child and now clearly has many mental health issues with regards eating etc. The person won’t go for counselling. I have tried to be a friend but it’s all becoming a bit confusing. I’m not sure I am getting the whole picture and am worried I’m in over my head. I don’t want to abandon this person but at the same time I am not qualified. What should I do? Thanks

Is the young person still at school, @Bowie16? If so, I would contact them, and gently tell the young person exactly what you've said here - that you want to support them but you're not qualified to support them in the way they need.

If they're not at school, perhaps contact MIND or Children 1st for advice.

Make sure you look after your own mental health too!

Thanks RedPandaFluff. Grateful for your reply.
No, the person is late teens and not at school. They have contacted NAPAC but in the meantime they are being very clingy to me which makes me a little uncomfortable and is giving me sleeplesss nights. I know I need to be there and be a steady presence and I will, but I’m hearing things (unrelated to the abuse) from them that I know to be untrue. I will not let them down but it is all so confusing trying to work out where the boundaries should be. I don’t want to confront them about the untruths but if I don’t it feels like they can’t move on🤷‍♀️

Think about a coaching mindset - maybe the growth model? It helps you to be detached while still offering support. Give them details of places where they can elicit support. Repeat the phrase, "I am not qualified to offer you advice on this. Let me know how your contact with .... Goes"
Tell them to contact you for a chat once they've been in touch with whatever support you offer.
Some young people become excessively needy and want validation for everything awful which happened to them. Of course you can be sympathetic, but by itself, sympathy wont help them grow.
You have to look after yourself too.

Yes, that all makes sense. I haven’t spoken in depth about the abuse, partly because (to my shame) I don’t want to and as you say I can’t offer advice. I think the problem is that I am offering to be a “friend” and maybe that’s too much? The person wants to see me every couple of days wanting hugs etc. and if I’m not available texts saying “it’s ok, I don’t matter” etc which all adds to the stress. You think I need more distance?

How about looking at BEAT the eating disorder charity.
Try their help line?
They have a phone chat or an online web chat

What they want is inappropriate and unsustainable and not in their best interests.
But no one wants to turn their back on someone with a deep need for reassurance, help etc.
They need proper support not just you though. You're one person and not qualified at that. If they develop a reliance on you it could make things worse not better.
I think you need to set strict boundaries and try to get them to connect with some other support.

You are allowed to say that you'll listen, but that you don't have solutions, and you'll support them in finding someone more appropriate who can help.

I have a couple of friends who lean on me to listen, and at times it is overwhelming, and to be honest when it is the same complaint as the last ten times and they still haven't taken steps to get help, I've asked when they are going to get tired of feeling this hurt, and when it will be time to let someone help them, because it makes me sad that they keep putting up with so much (stress, sadness, depression, whatever) and they deserve to feel better. One is on the brink of possibly accepting the help after all; one will, I know, keep circling back to it for quite a while yet, but I live in hope.

"and if I’m not available texts saying “it’s ok, I don’t matter” etc which all adds to the stress"

I'm here for you as much as I can be, but I didn't deserve that, and it's not ok to say things like that to me. Have you contacted (thing you recommended they contact) yet like we talked about, or do you need me to make an appointment for you?

I know they're depressed and deeply disturbed but that isn't a free pass to emotional manipulation so don't be dragged into that level of support; like you said, you're neither able nor willing to be their emotional punching bag.

Thanks a lot all. I will try all suggestions and agree professional help is needed, probably in different disciplines as it seems there is a lot going on. But it’s difficult when they won’t take the steps. You can’t say, well if you don’t seek help I can’t see you anymore? Or can you? I know this person’s family which adds another layer of difficulty. The parent contacts me to ask how they are etc. Want to scream at them to say that they should already know!! But I suppose these things are complex

Hi all. Please help. So we have moved on. I have persuaded the young person I am ‘helping’ to get professional help and the first session is very soon. They want me to be with them when they have it. And that’s ok. But I am so worrried. I am getting texts and requests to see me all the time and there is some self harming going on. Their mum is also contacting me. I suppose I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to let them down but I am exhausted with it all. The responsibility is overwhelming. Please tell me whether I should keep going???? My instinct is that I should but am I wrong?

Hi @Bowie16,

I think you do need to set some clear boundaries.

Try and explain to the person in as kind a way as possible that you can’t be there all the time but you will check in regularly.

Try and make sure there is a plan over when you are next seeing them or when you’ll next be around/speaking to them so they don’t feel abandoned.

E.g. ‘ImI’ve got some bits to do but I’ll drop you a message tomorrow to see how you are.’ Or ‘Sorry I won’t be able to see you tomorrow but would you be free on Sunday for a cup of tea and a catch up’

I would take them to the first counselling session (or maybe first few) but then try and get them to start going independently.

You just have to try and create the boundary whilst also reassuring.

It’s great they are getting professional help and I’m sure you’ve been amazing. How old are they? How do you know them, through the family?

I'm amazed a counselling session can happen with someone else there, for confidentially reasons, but also whatever they say/talk about will be filtered through the knowledge that you are there, so it's for your ears too.
In your shoes I'd be wanting to talk to the counsellor about that.
The situation you are in is one of high dependency on you, very unhealthy and the more they rely on you as crutch and insist you are the person who underpins all their coping the worse it will be.
You need to disentangle somehow!

Thank you so much for your replies. It really helps me get some perspective.
We actually had the first session of treatment yesterday and I was there (on zoom). She is 19. I know her through a local sports club. The counsellor asked if I had any questions and I just said that I worried that if I was present the person wouldn’t open up because I was listening. The person just said “no, I want you here”. All of this is ok but she is constantly asking for hugs/ trying to hold my hand etc and I just want to pull away. It’s cloying and I don’t like it at all. I did say that she needed to find another way to cope other than hugging (for when she is on her own etc) but still it continues.
i have decided that when I speak to her next I will gently lay down some ground rules. I have to, as you both said, because otherwise it’s going to be me needing therapy soon 🤦‍♀️.
thanks again. It helps

Whatever you accept you can expect.
Ditto if this person comes to expect from habitually demanding and getting they will never voluntarily search for alternatives.
They will stock to you like glue for as long as you accept it. They will expect it.
They are obviously grabbing some mental struggles but while you prop them up they will never look beyond that.
They need to see that they absolutely must find a different way to live. They don't want to add the comfort you provide is far preferable to the hard work of seeking another way.
I think this is a tough love situation.
You need to explain this is what you recognise and are going to do, then do it.
Like any person who has an unhealthy relative, they will resist, protest, do performative reactions... But you've got to wean them.
Maybe they will get worse before they get better, but you know what, sometimes people don't start to climb until they realise they are low and no one can drag them up they've got to climb.
It is much much easier to drag someone down than haul someone up... You can't fix them.
Step back, draw boundaries and say no.

Unhealthy reliance, that should say.
So many autocorrect errors!

This is really tough @Bowie16.

Can I check are you both female?

How often are you seeing this person?

I think you could try and speak to the therapist separately and say you don’t think it’s appropriate to be on the sessions and can they help you to be removed from them by saying just the person alone.

I am wondering if there is a charity that could offer some advice/support but not sure of the best/most appropriate one.

What is this young person disclosed something really personal in the sessions. SA for instance... You could be getting into some really deep water here. Does the counsellor know you're not really a willing participant in the true sense?

Or if she discuss something about her relationship with her mum. You could find yourself positioned between them.
I think you need some serious advice from someone worth the expertise and resources needed.

Yes you definitely need to set some boundaries. If you are present at another counselling session I would be using that as an opportunity to raise your experience with the counsellor ' eg. I'm concerned about the extent of the dependency on me and feel I'm not in the best position to offer good support as I am not a professional.'

Then try to find a better way going forward that you all agree on, and if she pushes boundaries in the future you can say 'Remember how we agreed during that counselling appointment that...'

I definitely think it is worth going to one more counselling session with her so that this is discussed in front on an independent, more objective, third party.

I myself would then also only meet this person in a public space with opposite seats seating, given her tendency to inappropriate physical interactions that make you uncomfortable, as she may be may disinclined to do this so much in public, and also it protects you as others are present.

Thanks again all. To be honest, you are all saying what I think I already knew. Yes, we are both female. And she has already disclosed SA to me, plus issues with bereavements. In light of all that, I think I can’t see beyond my empathy for her and have let it cloud things. It may be an ego thing, but I naively thought I could help her. I now realise that I can’t, and maybe am just enabling her. I just need a break and to get some perspective. And for her to realise I’m not always at the end of the phone etc.
Her mum is in touch with me, and I have told her that I am struggling. The response was “ok I’ll deal with it” and “she is a hugger”🤷‍♀️. I really don’t want to let her down but I have told her that I won’t see her unless she continues with the professional treatment. You are all correct. I need to set boundaries.
thanks again SO MUCH for listening and taking the time. I can’t tell you how much it helps x

Good luck!
You sound kinda and well intentioned, but I think there is a serious risk of you being part of the problem not the solution without healthy boundaries.

Kind. Not kinda.