I’m a mum of 2. Son is 14 and daughter is 8 next week.
Without going into too much detail, my son smears. Not just a little bit, ALOT. His room is top to toe covered in smears, bed, carpet, walls, clothes, books, rugs, furniture, bags, toys, skirting, you name it, he’s wiped his faeces on it.
So when he was 2 I went through a huge battle with his biological. He was controlling and manipulative, lazy and aggressive. So I told him I wanted to end it. We had o my been together 2yrs. (My BC failed when my son was conceived). He didn’t like that and point blank refused to move out. Threatened to destroy my life if I left him, told me he would take our son, turn everyone against me, the works. But I was so beaten down, verbally and physically that I followed through with it. In the weeks that I told him I didn’t want ti be with him and him refusing to leave I had started talking to a man online (said man is still my man today, 12yrs later) and the ex hit the roof. When I went to work one day, I came home and the locks had been changed. (It was MY house). I called him, no answer, I called my family, my mum told me she was disgusted in me, that I had left, I was taking drugs, that I picked another man over my family, she wasn’t going to help me, I literally had nobody and I was locked out my own house. He shouted through the door that he warned me it would happen. He stopped me seeing my son. Told everyone that would listen I was a druggy and that I chose a man over my son, he threatened to harm the man I was then seeing, he told me I wasn’t seeing my boy, he started seeing someone himself who was the family hairdresser and she even told me that I was a disgrace of a mother. Everything I had and everyone who I loved thought I was this awful person. The only person who stuck by me and allowed me to stay with him and help me was the man I was seeing. This went on for about a year, I was denied access, my family hated me, no matter what I did, my ex came back with bigger and better threats. I couldn’t do a thing. And then on Nov17th 2012 I got a call from Social Services. They wanted me to collect my son from them and I was being handed FULL custody. My ex was found to have been Mentally, physically and emotionally abusing my son. His son. To say I was angry and heartbroken is a massive understatement. I didn’t have a proper place for him at the time, I worked every hour I could to save for legal help, but I ran to get him. And the sad thing was, my son called me by my first name, he had no idea that I was who I was because his dad had told him he didn’t have a mother. I blame myself to this day for everything that happened. I should of been stronger, I should of fought more, I don’t know how. But I should. So my family all started coming back in droves. I chose to not hold it against them, even though I do a bit to this day. Nobody ever apologised to me. They just all poured their hearts out to my son. Which yeah they failed him too. I got help from Social for him, I spoke to the doctors, I got him therapy. For literally YEARS! My lad spoke to a professional because the year of abuse he went through when he was younger really showed in his emotions and mental health. But from the age of about 6 to 13 he didn’t seem to be experiencing any problems. He hadn’t seen anyone since he was 11 and he’s not displayed any issues, but about 6 months ago he started smearing. I don’t mean a little bit either. Hug patched or faeces everywhere and in his pants. I’ve tried to ask him about it but for a long time he just said “I don’t know”. He wouldn’t say a think about it, he doesn’t clean it either. I was going in there weekly to and getting eye infections and getting sick I’m think from the germs. He had a gaming chair that he sat on everyday and it was thick brown and he didn’t care, he would fall asleep on it and rub himself all over it. Anyway, it’s taken a long time to get the Doctors to listen to me, for weeks they were telling me he was just constipated, giving him strong laxative which made him soil himself in his sleep. He would never tell me though. Just throw his pants away and act like nothing had happened. Anyway, one nurse finally did take it seriously and referred him URGENTLY to Young Minds. That was over 4 weeks ago and it’s gotten to much worse since then. His room is so so bad. So bad that it’s effecting my relationship, my partner had BAD OCD and him knowing he lived in a house with faeces everywhere is really playing with his mental stability. He’s said he is going to move out because he can’t live in the house with it. My son finally admitted that he puts his fingers up his bum, he does it about 20 times a day and wipes them everywhere. He doesn’t feel like it’s as serious as it is: his personal hygiene is diabolical. If I didn’t tell him, I don’t think he’d shower or brush his teeth ever. He constantly has faeces on him. I can’t go in his room now. I’m losing my ability to parent him because nothing I say goes in. He doesn’t understand that it’s bad. That he needs to wash, that he is destroying his carpet; room, possessions. He used to have an Xbox and he would happily soil himself and smear it when he was on it, so he didn’t have to leave to toilet, so that’s been taken from him. It’s been gone about 3 weeks now. I’ve told him he’s not getting it back until we’ve got him help. He knows that I’m trying to help him, we’ve both spoken to dr’s together, I’ve told him he needs to speak to a professional, but it doesn’t go in, if that makes sense. Talking to him is like talking to a wall and I don’t know what to do anymore: there’s nothing more that I can do besides wait for the help to come, but it’s not coming any time soon. He’s currently undergoing SEND evaluations but I’ve been told they can take up to 3yrs. I can’t deal with this for another 3yrs. I’m embarrassed to let anyone in my home, my relationship is breaking down with my partner, my son and their relationship. I don’t know how to communicate with my son anymore because he doesn’t think like I do. I don’t know what’s going on with him. I know it has to be trauma based, but when I speak to him about his past; he doesn’t remember. He’s been in the same room as his biological before (not purposely) and he’s had no idea who he was. So I thought that would mean he doesn’t remember the trauma. I just don’t know because he doesn’t talk to me: whenever I try all I get is “I don’t know”. If ever I push all it does is makes him cry. I don’t know what else to do. I dont know what I’m asking here. I think I’m just trying to feel less worthless and like I’m a bad mother. I’m trying to get him help, but help doesn’t happen fast. Feeling so low. Sorry for going on. Please don’t come for me. I feel bad enough as it is.