Constant trauma taking over my life

[fiddleswiddle]

The past couple of years I have been dealing with a lot and my trauma has just become worse and worse to the point I constantly battle thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore.

I dealt with really bad bullying back in school and was just getting my life together when I ended up with a long term disability. I was able to function reasonably ok for a while right upto a few years ago at the age of 33, I had a major breakdown and feel I haven't been able to function since then.

I'm waiting on an adhd assessment because I strongly suspect I am neurodiverse. I struggle with friendships because I tend to give them my all but tend to be discarded when I no longer serve a purpose. I feel perpetually lonely because even though I know im a kind, empathic person, it just seems that nobody wants to know me. I've never had a good relationship with my only sister and even cousins would literally cross the street if they saw me coming.
I feel like loneliness will break me from the inside out and that I'm the only one feeling like this because all around me I see others having friends and people in their life

I've done all the usual stuff like joining groups and stuff like that but with limited results. I think I'll definitely speak to my doctor about my really low mood, but the loneliness seems to just be getting worse and worse.

Anyone else ever in this situation and how did you break out of it?

I'm so sorry to hear things are as bad as this.
When your heart has lots of love to give but no outlet, the pain is excruciating. I recognise your distress.
I don't have an exactly comparable experience, but was socially isolated and bullied when young and my social skills were dreadful.
I had to learn good social skills, then I eventually found friends. But, I'm not neurologically different, I was just really isolated and had a difficult homeless making me really awkward.
I think in your situation I'd be looking for a safe social environment where you can slowly develop nice relationships. In my area that would likely be the 'growing well' mental health facility which is a local farm where people go to be involved and take their time to make connections and enjoy purposeful activity together... But anything where supported social interaction is a feature would be good.
Some gp's now do social prescriptions for places like community co-ops where's you can get involved and interact with others in a way which allows you to realise your potential gently.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so lonely❤️. I’m ND too and have recently moved from a city (Cambridge) that’s full of neurodiverse people. I have a few acquaintances in my new area but that’s only really because I have dogs and dog walkers tend to talk to each other.

I’m older than you (51) and although I’m currently feeling very lonely, there’s no way I’d try to make friends with people who aren’t neurodiverse or highly sensitive. That’s because I don’t enjoy the conversation and I can’t be myself. You could try some groups that are more likely to attract ND people.

What I would do is research neurodiversity on YouTube and get a feel for different types of people. Do some research on Myers Briggs personality types….you’ll find a link between the rare types (infj/infp/intj/intp) and neurodiversity. Also do some research on personality disorders and abuse so that you’re more aware of the types of people who will use and then discard you. You won’t get it straight away….I’ve been working away at all this for over ten years.

In my area there’s a woman who meets up with people and gives them information on everything that’s available in the area. Someone at the library gave me her details. You could find out if there’s a service like that in your area.