Feel like I'm going to have some sort of breakdown

[absolutelyhadit]

Can anyone help me make sense of my life please as I am hanging on by a thread and I don't know how to make things better/easier.

I am sat on the bathroom floor crying which is a regular occurrence for me.

I am just so overwhelmed with the demands of life. On the surface I look like a stay at home mum but my eldest is autistic and has such severe anxiety that he's not been to school for 18 months and it was on/off before that. He is 15 but has no independence so can't go to shop etc on his own. Absolutely everything needs promoting several times: shower, teeth, get dressed etc. Consequently I need to take him everywhere he needs to go plus I take him everywhere I need to go because otherwise he wouldn't leave the house. School send him work for one subject only but he finds even this overwhelming so it's a huge battle to get him to do it. He also has various CAMHS/OT/school assessment appointments that we need to attend weekly.
He struggles to sleep so I need to stay up late to make sure he follows his routine otherwise he will be up til 4am or later.

My younger child can't sleep on his own. DH has to lay with him to go to sleep and he usually falls asleep in there. So never spend an evening with him. We've not slept in the same bed in years.

DH has suspected ADHD. It's got worse over the years. He has time blindness and is always home late, eats late, spends too much time on phone. He flies off the handle easily - not just with me - everyone. He is only ok when he is on high doses of anti depressants, but he's not depressed. He's approached the GP several times who say "you've coped this far in life, not a lot we can do"

DH runs his own business so works long hours but then comes home and doesn't want to do anything except relax.

Our nephew in his 20s has recently moved in with us to work for my husband. He also does no housework although he does pay us a minimal rent.

I've tried repeatedly asking for help with housework but the only thing DH really does is the dishwasher occasionally. I cook everyone's meals and they're all fussy so that is stressful, food shopping/meal prep, washing, all cleaning although the house is never clean, pet care, take kids to appointments, all school admin, packed lunch, etc.

My health is bad - I never get enough sleep, I'm always feeling unwell and catch everything going and I'm often too exhausted to even do housework never mind exercise.
Recently have had various more scary health issues that I've had a lot of diagnostic appointments for.

There's probably more but I can't think straight right now.

I've been in counselling for a year and I'm on anti depressants (have been for 10 years) but I don't feel like it's been any help. Feel more calm on ADs but if I ever come off I spiral very quickly.

I just don't know where to start with all this.

I've been having such bad arguments with DH recently and have considered separating but I really don't want to do this. I absolutely love my husband but we all just seem to be under so much pressure. I don't actually think separating would solve a lot of the problems.

Also have never had and don't currently have any sort of help with the kids.

Can anyone help me try to sort my life out please

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I can’t think of a solution…I have a DS like yours but he lives with his dad. He’s been staying with me and my elderly mother for three weeks (his dad is refusing to collect him) and this morning I was walking with the dogs and trying to stop dragging my hands along every wall.

Is your DH fully aware that this situation is destroying your health? Somehow you’ve got to make him realise that if this situation continues you will be disabled or worse and he’ll be on his own. Trouble is, it’s so hard to get this point across to people.

I’m sorry if the video below makes you feel worse. I don’t know how you begin to start putting yourself first. I know you want to absorb every negative emotion for your DS but somehow you have to get more of a balance. I say that to myself too.

Your DH needs to be making your nephew help, or at least not make extra mess.

Thank you so much for replying to me. Sorry to hear that you have a similar situation.

I'm going to go out on Thursday evening for a chat with DH.

I've not watched the video yet - will do later.

Thanks again.

Time to yourself - I don't know how that would work but you desperately need some. Is there enough money to pay for someone to sit in the house (assuming your dc needs this) while you go to the cinema/cafe/swim/anywhere but home? Or even a charity that could help with this.
How old is your dh? People get diagnosed at any age, I know friends in their 50s who have recently been diagnosed. Adhd Medication might help him more than antidepressants.
Anti local support groups for parents (check Facebook perhaps) where you could escape too and offload a bit.
If your younger child isn't already, start him on a pathway for diagnosis (if you suspect ND, which the sleep issues could be connected to). I know of children with adhd who get medications that help them sleep.
Your nephew needs to have no negative impact on your life, or he needs to get out. Honestly what was your dh thinking.

Sorry to hear about your home situation, that sounds really tough. Do you have enough extra income to employ a cleaner and other help around the house? What strategies/plans have Camhs put in place to help your 15 year old? Sounds like your nephew staying is creating additional stress. Can he not live at his own home and travel to dh business?

Maybe your dh can do a controlled withdrawal from laying down with the other child. Usually the dc who want this are anxious so this might take some time and effort ie; moving to sleeping on the floor in the same room, then outside, then landing light on etc. This will then eventually free up time to help you in the evenings even if it's with the physical stuff like cleaning.

I really hope life can change for you as the current set up sounds exhausting.

Do you use melatonin ?

DS is fine on his own in the house for a few hours so that's not a problem, but it's getting him out of the house that's on my mind because CAMHS have said that I need to continue getting him out every day. I am wondering if I could employ someone to take him out once or twice a week though?

DH is in his fifties too. I know he'd be a different person on ADHD meds but GP are reluctant to refer then it's a 3 year wait for an initial assessment. They've given him a link to some meditation but I know he won't look at it. He literally can't do anything unless under threat or deadline (or something he's really interested in).

Younger DS I think might also have ADHD - I've flagged it up with school but can't face going to the GP again at the moment.

Thanks for replying

Yes I could employ a cleaner but it feels like an unnecessary expense and having had one before I felt I was under more pressure to tidy before she cleaned iyswim. I will think about it though.

CAMHS have referred to psychiatry and he is starting anti anxiety medication. He also sees their OT but I don't know what their plan is - I've to meet with her in a few weeks.

Nephew lives too far away to commute hence him living with us. I will say that he does have a really positive impact on both DS's so I don't want him to go (would just be nice if he thought to chip in now and again)

Me or my ds?

DS1 has it most nights but I try to keep him off it on the weekends so that he doesn't develop a tolerance. As suggested by the paed.

Can you speak to nephew? Lovely having you here but you'll have seen there's a lot to do, I'll need you to do x from now on (think of relatively straightforward tasks he could do that would save some time). Or, speak to his mother and tell her he's being a lazy fucker.
When you're able, call the GP you need to get dc2 on the waiting list. Even if they turn out not to need it, it's such a long list! Your dh couldn't get privately diagnosed for around a grand, but would likely need to pay privately for medication then.
It sounds like you have some good ideas already.
Sometimes you need just one thing to move and improve to open up enough space for other things to get better.

3 years is better than never. Get your DH to push for an assessment. He needs to stress the effect it's having on both your lives. I find a letter given to the GP in the appointment helps me get across what I need to say better and ensure I don't forget anything. It also means the GP has to really justify not taking any action when there will be a letter from you in your notes! Plus if you write the letter together it might help your DH see the effect everything is having on you. I know your DH is working long hours and as someone with ADHD I completely understand his need to decompress by doing very little but leaving ALL the housework to you is not on. You are not his skivvy.

As an alternative to the three year waiting list is something called Right to Choose where you can access a private assessment as long as that private provider has an NHS contract to provide ADHD assessment services somewhere in England. You can read about this here and how to access it:

psychiatry-uk.com/right-to-choose/

There are likely other private providers accepting Right to Choose referrals, Psychiatry U.K. is just one of them. But I am a bit out of the loop on this do you might have to do some googling. ADHD Facebook groups are usually good at having up to date info.

I really hate confrontation so I'll need to leave speaking to nephew to my husband. It's our fault really as we didn't really set any ground rules from the beginning, although you'd think an adult would think enough to contribute. Speaking to his mum not really an option as it's partly her mollycoddling that's made him like this imo.

Really can't afford £1000 to go private for DH and then all the prescriptions sadly.

Good idea about letter to GP. He has actually managed to get some of the screening questionnaires from them this week however so he's asked me to help him fill them in.

We're not in England so not sure if right to choose would be relevant here.

Ah no I meant to add that to the post but forgot. I think you are right that Right to Choose only applies in England. Fingers crossed the assessment and maybe a letter helps. With the initial assessment questionnaire I found it very helpful to look up examples of what was meant by each of the questions. I think pretty literally and found it hard to apply the questions to me, but examples really helped with that. For example there’s one about finishing projects (?). I was like well I don’t really do projects any more and when I was at work all the projects got finished. But of course they would as there’s deadlines set and a project team. But what they mean by projects is things like I have been meaning to put my son’s 16th birthday photos (I printed off loads through the ages and stuck them up on a wall for his birthday) in an album. They’ve sat in my wardrobe carefully placed waiting for this to happen. He’s now 25! There’s a million things like that that I have started but haven’t finished or mean to start but can’t get started. They are “projects” apparently but I don’t think of them like that. But once I realised what they meant I was able to answer the question more accurately.

@InattentiveADHD Got to be honest that does sound like him... and me!!!!

That's a great idea to take time to look up examples. I really struggled filling out my son's autism questionnaires because it said things like "are they fascinated by dates?" Well, no not at all but he's fascinated by the net worth of billionaires! But with a tick box questionnaire you can't write that in!

Thank you 😊

Yes I agree the questions are sometimes oddly specific. I get this with questionnaires etc all the time. I think about them really precisely but I think they expect you to read between the lines and answer in an approximate sort of way. I can sort of do that if I think about it and think they aren’t expecting a precise answer, I can try to think about what they might be looking for. But not sure how that’s supposed to work for autistic people! That question should really be much broader. Not sure anyone could interpret that as “oh I know they have said “dates” but I am sure that can include “number plates”, “train numbers” or “net worth of billionaires”! Let’s not even get started on the known ADHD symptoms that aren’t even touched on on the initial assessment questionnaire! 😀