OCD and step child visiting

[Prizepear]

I’ve had ocd since I was a child due to a traumatic event. I have had help ever since but unfortunately despite everything I have tried I still have fears surrounding hygiene, germs and cleanliness.
My step daughter is 9 and comes from a home without rules or expectations. She is free to do as she pleases and doesn’t respect my home and rules as they aren’t part of her home life.
my 2 house rules are that all visitors remove shoes and wash their hands. All friends and family respect this and do it without prompting to make me feel
comfortable. On these occasions I can manage the ocd, but when anyone doesn’t do them it results in a break down and panic attacks.
Step daughter needs telling constantly and finds it hilarious if she ‘forgets’ and I have a panic attack. she’ll deliberately run into the kitchen with dirty shoes and watch me mop the mess.
DH is supportive and tries his best to drum it in that she needs to respect our home but he’s worried about nagging and upsetting her so he takes it with a laid back approach, she treats him like a doormat.
she is always touching my things, she doesn’t wash her hands after using the loo and if reminded she’ll just rinse them in water without soap. I’m always on edge and close to tears when she visits because she doesn’t care and views my home as a playground, climbing on furniture, breaking things etc.
I have around 12 children in my life aged between 15 and 2 who visit regularly and not one of them need reminding. I feel angry when she visits and resent having her in the house, something I only feel towards her because of her lack of manners. I scrub the entire house when she leaves because it doesn’t feel clean.
i know she’s a child and my rules may seem harsh to her, but surely they are what many people do in their own homes even without ocd? In my eyes she is old enough to understand some houses have basic rules and to stick to them.
I don’t want to be like this but I have tried every approach that even my gp and counsellor are at a loss. the only thing that works is managing it with respectful people surrounding me so I don’t have an attack of some kind. I’m absolutely fine in the week when she isn’t here.
Is there anyone else with ocd who find it difficult having visitors of any kind? How do you cope?

Has your therapist not suggested disrupting your routine as part of a treatment plan?

Having rigid rules and routines as someone with OCD can often reinforce the behaviours. Part of recovery can be breaking the rules and realising that there were no consequences.

Sorry @Prizepear it sounds very difficult for you but I’ve never had to raise the subject with anyone else because they automatically do it and within my eye line, it’s never discussed and no one feels uncomfortable
Do you mean you must watch them wash their hands when they enter your home?
If so I wouldn't be so sure about no one feeling uncomfortable. It must be awkward with your dh with the deep cleans you do when his daughter leaves.

'She isn’t oblivious, she knows what she needs to do and how I feel if she doesn’t. Perhaps she’s challenging her authority by doing so, but I just can’t handle it.'

She's a 9 year old child. You are being completely unfair to her.

It's her home too.

You are assuming she's doing this on purpose to challenge you.

It's far more likely that the rules are different in her other and her grandparents' homes.

She spends time in 3 different homes, by the sound of things. That's really tough.

It's also very tough for a child living with an adult with mental health difficulties.

Her father needs to protect her from the impact this will have on her.

No I don’t watch anyone, we usually go into my kitchen to make tea etc and they’ll use the laundry sink. I trust visitors to my home as they’ve been in my life since the start.
But surely the situation is blown out of proportion by her simply not washing her hands? If she done it automatically there wouldn’t be anything else to consider. Even without ocd I’m sure 99% of people would agree if someone didn’t wash their hands after using the toilet they would feel uncomfortable letting them touch things in their home.
it’s not that I’m making excuses, I take full responsibility for my mental health, but my requests matter too and they aren’t extreme by any standards.

I'm pretty sure that most people don't insist on/expect visitors to wash their hands as soon as they walk into the house.

Taking shoes off is a more reasonable request, but still not standard in all houses.

Again, she's a 9 year old CHILD.

It's not going to get better. There are always going to be things that she does that will annoy, upset or cause you anxiety.

This is an issue that you need to learn to manage without blaming her.

Really surprised at some of the responses you're getting here OP. You may get more constructive responses on the underlying dynamic if you post/ask to have this thread moved to the stepparenting forum. Can't comment on the OCD aspects but it certainly sounds like your dss is engaging in deliberate provocation as part of a power struggle. Doesn't sound like consistent parenting on the part of your DH, which is your core problem.

I am.very sorry OP that you have this issue but she sounds like a normal child to me. Children do forget and are also very messy. I don't think this situation is healthy for either you or your step daughter. It's very sad that she can't feel at home in her father's house and it's also sad that she makes.you feel uncomfortable.

You think this is deliberately challenging behaviour, why do you think she would be doing that?

What could she be experiencing that could be unsettling, disruptive and emotionally challenging in her life that she can't articulate?

What could be impacting her mental health right now?

I'm a step mum myself and have been for nearly 20 years so I know the challenges.

What do you like about her? you've said all the stuff you hate about her, what do you like? because this child is going to be in your life for a very long time to come, so you need to work towards finding a way to get along.

I don’t think your rules are particularly harsh, we take shoes off and wash hands when we come in and I don’t have OCD! I could understand if the girl was 4 but at 9 she shouldn’t be climbing all over the place and should be able to wash her hands every time she goes to the toilet. If you insisted she do weird things then I would agree you are being unreasonable, perhaps it’s because you mentioned step child in which case no expectations are allowed.

Honestly, as a step mum myself I feel very sorry for this little girl. She's 9 years old, kids can be right little grot bags but it's their parents job to teach them.

I feel angry when she visits and resent having her in the house, something I only feel towards her because of her lack of manners.

She will absolutely be picking up on your anger and resentment. Probably why she's playing up to be honest. I really hope her dad is understanding what's going on here and is protecting her from your resentment.

Her father needs to step up. Showering twice weekly will be rank when she hits puberty. It’ll make you feel awful when she visits, whiffing to high heaven, and the poor child will be teased mercilessly. We all remember how the dirty, malodorous kids were treated at school. And if some Alpha Female type at school spots that she doesn’t wash her hands after peeing, she’ll get ridiculed further.

Shoes not being taken off will be the least of this poor child’s worries if her parent does not tackle the hygiene issue. He needs to find some strength.

OP

At the very least try to control the things that you can.
Put a lock on your own bedroom door and make sure that you keep it locked, so at least she can't get at some of your things.

At the higher level, have a serious think about it - I would suggest a serious talk with your DH - that is, if he cannot make her do the two things (wash hands and take off her shoes), he should have his contact days away from your house, e.g. at the grandparents where she visits other times.
Worst case scenario, he moves out altogether. As it's a short marriage and he didn't live with you before, hopefully he won't have a claim to your house.

Ideally however you'd be able to impress upon him that he needs to be firmer: not just tell her verbally to wash her hands, but go back into the bathroom with her and get her to do it. And same with the shoes.

She does sound like a normal child, is this really all she is doing/the only rules she's 'not following'? *
I feel angry when she visits and resent having her in the house, something I only feel towards her because of her lack of manners.
Is a very big emotion and its ridiculous to think that she doesn't feel or is aware of your hatred for her. The fact that her father knows you feel like this about her and chooses to remain living with you and in a relationship with you, I feel so sorry for her. Does her mum know how she's being treated?

I think it’s likely that your OCD affects her more than you think it does.

My FIL has OCD. He’s convinced that DH and his siblings didn’t know about it growing up and he only had a few, entirely reasonable, rules. He’s still in denial that it affects his family now, and believes everyone should do things his way automatically because he has told us of his diagnosis.

The reality is that his children grew up walking on eggshells and still feel stifled by his expectations.

It’s difficult because having OCD isn’t your fault, but neither is it your stepdaughter’s.

Hygiene is important, but her dad needs to concentrate on teaching her that for her own sake. It shouldn’t be tied up in an obligation to help her stepmum manage a mental health condition… that’s far too much pressure to put on a little girl.

Would you be happier living apart, at least until she is older?

I feel so so sorry for this child who didn't chose to have you in your life.
Having grown up with someone with ocd that has really affected my mental health if I was your DH I would be keeping her well away from you, he should be prioritizing his child.
Get some decent therapy or live alone. She doesn't deserve to put up with your shit and she's a kid, they don't wash their hands every 5 mins and obsess over hygiene.
Every sympathy for mental health struggles but not when you push this onto a child. And you knew he had a child when you moved in with him didn't you

Yes she should feel at home, but she deliberately ignores the rules in which I should also feel at home. I wouldn’t dare enter a home and disrespect what was asked of me, but perhaps that's just me.

OP with kindness she is NINE years old. She has been through a parental breakup, she’s having to navigate two very very different households and she has a tricky stepmum with some quite severe mental health issues.

It’s not your fault you are ill of course, but neither is it her fault she’s having a tricky childhood. What’s more, you chose to become part of her life, she did not chose to be part of yours.

It’s of course fair enough to expect shoes to be taken off, hands to be washed on arrival and before meals, and above all, washed after going to the loo.

However, given her age and the fact her mum’s house is much more lax, it isn’t surprising she forgets. Get your DP to work with her on this. At least she admits it when she hasn’t. Some nice hand soap and shower stuff would be a good idea.

She will be far far more aware that you are watching her than you think - given your condition, you are not going to be able to hide your tension. Sometimes I am sure it’s fun to wind you up - she is just a kid.

I think you need to be realistic with yourself about whether this relationship can work. I am a stepparent so I know how hard it can be, but you do have a duty to do all you can to build an affectionate relationship with your step kids. If you can’t the best thing to do would be to bow out of her life and for your DP to return to his own place.

This sounds very difficult for you OP.

And it sounds as though your SD has some tricky situations to navigate and come to terms with - 3 homes, divorced parents, new SM who has MH difficulties and rules that don't apply elsewhere.

Can you try to switch your anger and resentment at your DH? He is the one who is should be parenting the child. He should be making sure she is comfortable in the home he lives in. He should be doing whatever it takes to build a warm and loving blended family.

Good grief! No wonder the Brits have an international reputation for being unhygienic going by so many of the responses so far.

The OP is only asking for absolutely BASIC hygiene practices from a NINE (not three), year old child. Unless the kid has severe SEN, she is perfectly capable of understanding and obeying, she is just choosing not to.

Your DH needs to step up and parent his kid properly. Who the fuck allows their kid to get to that age without teaching fundamental hygiene? This shit should be second nature by the time they finish kindergarten ffs. Gross. Would make me worry about how dirty he is himself when you're not around.