OCD and step child visiting

[Prizepear]

I’ve had ocd since I was a child due to a traumatic event. I have had help ever since but unfortunately despite everything I have tried I still have fears surrounding hygiene, germs and cleanliness.
My step daughter is 9 and comes from a home without rules or expectations. She is free to do as she pleases and doesn’t respect my home and rules as they aren’t part of her home life.
my 2 house rules are that all visitors remove shoes and wash their hands. All friends and family respect this and do it without prompting to make me feel
comfortable. On these occasions I can manage the ocd, but when anyone doesn’t do them it results in a break down and panic attacks.
Step daughter needs telling constantly and finds it hilarious if she ‘forgets’ and I have a panic attack. she’ll deliberately run into the kitchen with dirty shoes and watch me mop the mess.
DH is supportive and tries his best to drum it in that she needs to respect our home but he’s worried about nagging and upsetting her so he takes it with a laid back approach, she treats him like a doormat.
she is always touching my things, she doesn’t wash her hands after using the loo and if reminded she’ll just rinse them in water without soap. I’m always on edge and close to tears when she visits because she doesn’t care and views my home as a playground, climbing on furniture, breaking things etc.
I have around 12 children in my life aged between 15 and 2 who visit regularly and not one of them need reminding. I feel angry when she visits and resent having her in the house, something I only feel towards her because of her lack of manners. I scrub the entire house when she leaves because it doesn’t feel clean.
i know she’s a child and my rules may seem harsh to her, but surely they are what many people do in their own homes even without ocd? In my eyes she is old enough to understand some houses have basic rules and to stick to them.
I don’t want to be like this but I have tried every approach that even my gp and counsellor are at a loss. the only thing that works is managing it with respectful people surrounding me so I don’t have an attack of some kind. I’m absolutely fine in the week when she isn’t here.
Is there anyone else with ocd who find it difficult having visitors of any kind? How do you cope?

With kindness, I suspect a lot of those other children don't really follow your rules either (how do you know if they've washed their hands after going to the toilet?). It seems you've fixated on her, which isn't really fair.

It's your DHs home too, not just your home, so he also has a right to be comfortable there with his child. You can't use your OCD to control your partners relationship with his child by making them uncomfortable in their home.

If I were your DH I'd be questioning this relationship to be honest.

Kids forget sometimes. They climb over furniture. Kids are messy.

If my partner treated my child this way I'd leave tbh. It's too much.

Gosh this sounds very tough for you, but she is just a child and they are pretty grim. I have two. In answer to your question (I don't have OCD), I ask people to remove their shoes, but I live in a terraced house, so straight into the living room. I don't expect them to hover at the door, they can come in and take them off. I don't ask people to wash their hands and I don't police this when they have been to the bathroom. No one has ever been ill because of this.

It sounds like you need to go back to the doctors/therapist and try again. This is no way for anyone to live. Maybe some more intense therapy for your traumatic event then the OCD itself may help?

To clarify I don’t hover or watch her every movement, these are things I’ve noticed and I’m aware of in the background. I don’t follow around with a bottle of bleach or control anyone. Neither of them are uncomfortable, once shoes are off then service resumes as normal. There have been times she has done it without being asked and I’ve been fine, but this weekend was particularly bad. She wasn’t like it when it was just my house but when DH moved in last year just before our wedding she stopped respecting the home and done as she pleased. Yes she should feel at home, but she deliberately ignores the rules in which I should also feel at home. I wouldn’t dare enter a home and disrespect what was asked of me, but perhaps that's just me.
Ive had every extensive therapy possible, there is nothing left unless I try abroad which I cannot afford.

This is said with utter kindness OP as I too suffer with MH issues, but I think you are hyper fixating on your DSD, it is her home and so I do feel like she needs to feel relaxed, it's not unusual child behaviour to touch things and forget rules at times. I think there are some simple solutions you can put in place.

I agree she should remove her shoes on arrival, perhaps your DH can remind her as soon as she gets in the house - perhaps take her to buy some nice slippers or something as an incentive? Remind her before she gets to the house and then on arrival.

In regards to washing her hands, is this at set times or just after using the bathroom? (which should be standard anyway - DH should ask her after each time whether she has flushed and washed hands if necessary). If this is at set times, you may just have to work through your issues on this one as I think it's unreasonable to expect a child to become engrained in your rituals. If it's just as she enters the house, make it part of the routine on arrival - remove shoes, put slippers on and wash hands.

In regards to touching your stuff - can you put away anything you really don't want her to touch?

It’s only upon arrival, I don’t expect anyone to wash their hands as regularly as I do, and of course after using the toilet, this is the one she doesn’t do without reminding. DH is constantly asking her if she’s washed her hands after using the toilet, especially in public loos and she always confesses no. DH has put in a lot of effort with her general hygiene as she only showers twice a week at home, with puberty around the corner it’s a concern. It’s not something I ever had to struggle with when my own children were children, as most forms of hygiene are common sense and easily taught to toddlers.

How long have you been with her dad? And how long has she been visiting you together?

I think do as I said above and get your DH to enforce. I don't think they are unreasonable requests but it's on your DH to enforce this as she's a child and it's not yet a habit.

I'm asking this gently but why did you get married so quickly after moving in together? it sounds like it's been rushed a bit, and both you and the child are having problems adapting to the new setup.

Please remember she's only a child, her dad has just moved in and got married. It's a big change in a child's life. Don't be that person who batters the kid with 'disrespecting my home not knowing my basic manners'. If she hasn't been taught them, then that's on her dad I'm afraid.

Have you considered Exposure and Response prevention Therapy (ERP)? It's generally the gold standard treatment for OCD, having it changed my life. It sounds like OCD still has a huge grip on you if you are still getting panic attacks. You don't need to suffer as much as you are.

I think if you want to live with any other people ever or share a space with them you will need to accept that you can not control their behaviour. What if this was your own child? Would you ask them to move out or leave yourself? I understand that mental illness can be utterly debilitating but you can only control your situation here.

I'm surprised about the responses you are getting OP.
I do think it is reasonable to have children follow house rules and your DH should be helping to enforce them. They are not crazy rules and could easily be the same for friends houses or similar.

I thought everyone washed hands when they get in. We all do in our house. Shoes off and hands washed soon as we walk in. No one has a problem with it. By 9 I'd expect her to wash hands properly after using toilet too. If this is all you are asking it's not unreasonable just basic hygiene. I also have OCD though not as severe as you but similar fears over germs so maybe I've instilled this hand washing regime in my DCs since birth.. they often have friends over after school too and they all wash hands as soon as they walk in so I just assumed everyone does. But seeing other PP maybe they just know that's the " rule" here. You are not asking much OP it takes a few min to take shoes off and wash hands then she's free to do what she wants, but if she wears shoes in the house at mums home then may need reminding as it's not what she's used to.

I think you're getting a hard time OP, it sounds like you're trying your best to keep a lid on it and asking someone to take off their shoes and wash their hands when they come in isn't at all unreasonable! Your DH just needs to set the expectations and make sure she does it tbh!

kindly, the problem is with you. I hope you can get the help you need to live with your mental illness. You’re going to damage that child otherwise and you know yourself how childhood trauma can bring life long difficulties. I’m not sure what you are looking for in this post, you can’t detol her every time she walks into her own home, and you can’t ban her from her own home. If it’s too much for you then live separately from your DH? This could work?

You have a husband problem. If he has no boundaries and expectations over his dd at 9, this will only get far, far worse.

if she comes in wearing shoes, hand her the mop.

Its not just about washing hands and taking shoes off. I've drilled that into my own kids repeatedly until it becomes second nature. It's the way the OP is singling out DSD from the other kids that visit.

. I feel angry when she visits and resent having her in the house, something I only feel towards her because of her lack of manners. I scrub the entire house when she leaves because it doesn’t feel clean.

This reaction is not proportional to what the child is doing.

It's the dad who should be drilling it into her and being a good parent, but there's no criticism of him just the child. Bigger issues than basic hand washing I'd suspect. As I said before, I think this situation has been rushed for both the child and the OP.

SSRIs can help massively with OCD

You know by nature anxiety is irrational.

I feel for you as you are essentially living in a prison within your own mind.

OCD can be managed and cured

Of course it's not unreasonable to expect someone (even a child) to remove shoes and wash hands but it is not in anyway normal to have a panic attack if someone fails to do it. Op will never be able to guarantee that any child (or adult visitor) will always do this...even if they say they have. This means that all OP can do is either live alone or continue to seek treatment for her OCD.

I feel really sad for this little girl.

You are sadly fixated on her and her behaviour. This is not your fault, but she is suffering and so are you.

How often is she in your house?

I agree.

Its her Dad's home and her home too!

I take sertraline for ocd and anxiety and it's really really helped me calm down, haven't read all your plies so not sure if you already take them but might be worth considering, I know ocd is really exhausting.
I think aswell as it be helping you it would seem to benefit your dh and dsd

Been there with OCD too. It's essential to have those house rules, and it's tough when they're not respected. Try talking to your partner about reinforcing the rules and having a chat with your stepdaughter about why they matter. You're not alone in this – seek advice from folks who've been through the same.

Thanks for the kind replies.
We have been together for 7 years but due to the ocd I wasn’t comfortable letting him live with me for several years. We had a long engagement. When we finally decided to marry I made the step to let him move in. It went better than I expected as he respects my home and rules and I haven’t had to remind him or panic about anything he does/doesn’t do. His daughter visits 2 weekends back to back then has either 1 or 2 weekends with her grandparents. She has only been sleeping at my house since the beginning of the year and I’m still struggling with her manners and hygiene. She was much worse at the beginning so it has been a long difficult year for me where I even contemplated self referring to a residential mental health unit.

DH tries his best but you can’t force a child to listen. I don’t have any issues with how he handles her manners and respect, but she does tend to ignore him too.
I’ve never had to raise the subject with anyone else because they automatically do it and within my eye line, it’s never discussed and no one feels uncomfortable. I’m certainly not singling her out, if any other child acted the same in my home I’d also raise the subject with their parents, but I’d feel more comfortable asking them directly whereas I don’t have that confidence with step daughter.
i am on medication but it hasn’t worked even with an increase and a change over from a different one. The ocd itself doesn’t affect me as bad as it used to as it’s second nature to wash hands etc for me now, it’s the intrusive thoughts and fears that follow if part of my routine is disrupted. She isn’t oblivious, she knows what she needs to do and how I feel if she doesn’t. Perhaps she’s challenging her authority by doing so, but I just can’t handle it.