How would you deal with this situation?

[Triedeveryusernameunderthesun]

Hi thank you for reading. I'm not sure where to start. My mental health is suffering massively right now. I am not in a good place at all but there's too much to say. It's as a result of years of c**p. On top of this, my marriage is not a marriage anymore. The best part of 20 years together, 9 years married and 2 children. I'm struggling to put into words what goes on. In a nut shell, husband works and I am a SAHM which I love, but I am hugely taken for granted. Husband makes comments on things that haven't been done. He is a gamer and it's all he wants to do, outside of working. He would rather game than spend time with the kids. He has a gambling problem and spends weekends glued to his phone checking football scores, bets etc. He also watches live streams of some bloke playing fruit machines. He plays fruit machine games himself as well. If he's not doing that, then he's on facebook or watching endless tiktok videos. All while the kids are there, very little interaction with them or me. We barely talk. If I try to talk to him, he will still remain looking at his phone. I do literally EVERYTHING other than breathe for him. He honestly doesn't have to worry about anything. He is only 'willing' to wash up (in terms of housework), but he will huff, puff and makes me feel guilty because it's my job etc. He begrudges helping with anything really and most nights I spend with the kids upstairs while he plays playstation. He has to be online by 6:30pm and if he's not then he sulks. It's hard to explain everything in detail or get across just how hard I 'work', the things I do, how I hold the family together, but this is not appreciated because I'm not earning money. It's hard to explain the avenues I have tried, talking, screaming, kicking him out. I even went to a GA meeting to see how I could help him. He is so absorbed into his own little world, he is losing us and time with the kids. It's sad to watch but he says he likes it, it's what he wants to do. He says the kids can play on their own etc. If I dare to suggest reading with the kids for example, his reply is our son can do that at school. Our son is addicted to gaming now as well and I am fighting a losing battle over it. Husband played around our son and it was the only way our son could interact with his dad. I am so angry. I am financially vulnerable but otherwise basically a single mum and tbh I would rather be. He will want to see the kids though, which is an absolute joke, but what choice do I have. It's his 'right'. Would you put up with this?

Your husband has a massive gaming/screen addiction. Nothing to do with you, not your doing, not your fault. Your best bet is to get your proverbial ducks in a row and to extricate your children from his malignant influence as soon as possible. Talk to a solicitor about your legal rights re the house, pensions, custody, etc. Forearmed is forewarned.

In the meantime stop cooking or doing laundry for your STBXH and look for a job pronto.

You deserve to be respected, loved and cared for. Hold your boundaries on that. If he won't respect, care and how you love, you should leave.

Your son will be savable from gaming. In fact making that stance with your son will send a strong message to your husband about how unhealthy a gaming addiction is.

How old is your son?

Thank you both for taking time to reply. We have a 7 year old and a 5 month old. Husband is in denial and makes excuses. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. He has admitted having a problem in the past. I have no support network (literally nobody). Working is not possible right now. It's a combination of factors really. I'm not going to leave my baby. I went through a lot to have her. Plus childcare i.e. finding someone suitable and the cost. I also have my son to think about and work around. I do understand my husband works hard, long hours and he is entitled to down time doing whatever he enjoys ... BUT is always either gambling to gaming and I'm so sick of seeing him sat there staring at his phone for hours. He literally cannot put the bloody thing down. He has used my details as well to set up betting accounts because he had to self exclude himself. I tell him no, but he will only go behind my back. He says it's his money. Over the years he has gambled hundreds if not thousands if we added it all up. I dread to think. He only does a minimal amount now (that I am aware of) purely because he's using my details so I can see on the bank account. But if he could get away with it, it would be a lot more and every single week, plus throughout the week as well in the past on fruit machine games, horses, football, competitions to win cars, lottery etc. I've tried to say he needs to go cold turkey from all of it but he sees it that I am controlling him. He uses the live streaming gambling because he wants to gamble. I'm not silly but he treats me like I am. He tells me I'm paranoid and it's all in my head. I feel stuck, vulnerable and very alone. I don't want it to be like this. I resent him and I'm so angry and irritated by him all the time. He does things when he 'has to' or to prevent being nagged. Why is coming home from work and wanting to play with the kids or have a meaningful conversation with your wife, so much to ask for. He is predictable and boring. He comes home from work, takes his phone to the bathroom, has a shower, eats dinner, barely says a word, reluctantly washes up, sits on his phone and says he's going online at 6:30. Every single night more or less. The only thing is he might not game if he can't get on in time and then he sulks. The alternative is he lays in bed watching the live streaming fruit machine game. I have many times banned my son from the playstation but husband lets him go on it or makes me feel bad for saying no. I have tried explaining to my son about being addicted to it i.e. it's not healthy etc. I try to limit the time he's on it but it's hard when I'm so overwhelmed by everything else and juggling housework, time runs away sometimes. Our son gets upset and stroppy and keeps on and on until I say yes. Husband will happily sit next to him on the sofa and go on his phone. I try to say why don't they do something together, maybe lego, read, play a game or go for a kick around. Husband says our son has to ask. I said you're nearly 40 years old can you not suggest or encourage something. Apparently not. If we do anything he's still attached to his phone i.e. the park or even playing in the garden he will still be checking bets or messaging whilst kicking the football. I feel like smashing his phone up but he would smash the house up so it's honestly not worth upsetting him. In the past he has punched holes in doors, smashed up a coffee table etc. I know what you're thinking, why did I stay and have children with him ... because it's an addiction, an illness and I loved him and wanted to help him. I hoped one day he would change. I still do. We have been together a long time and have had lots of good times. But this is destroying us. On top of this my mental health is struggling due to lots of other things which I can't talk to him about because he has no genuine time for me and because I struggle to trust him. So I get very angry very easily with him. I have no idea what to do and nobody to turn to.

Sounds like a man child (to the extreme) and yes completely addicted.

Do not let him use your name for gambling. Contact all the gambling companies and get blocks, or from your bank. I’m not sure how but must be doable.

I would stop doing anything for him, don’t wash his clothes, don’t make his food, as little as possible. Say he needs help and until he gets this you can’t continue serving his addictions. Consider throwing away the games console and say you don’t want your son to be around that level of addiction. Otherwise remove it from the main living area at least.

I would put blocks on the internet over what can be accessed and make it so he can’t amend.

I have threatened many times to contact the gambling sites and tell them he is using my name but he will continue to use my name regardless of this, he will find a way. I haven't got the strength for the backlash that would follow if I did put blocks on the bank or broadband or get rid of the playstation. He would go ape and smash things up, withhold his wages, buy another playstation, refuse to help me if I needed it. All things that he has done before when he can't get his own way. It simply makes life even more shit if that's possible. Sorry, I don't mean to seem like I am making excuses. I genuinely have exhausted options. I appreciate all advice given. I need to hear it! It's just very hard to put it into action at home on my own with no support around me 'in the flesh'. I need someone here to tell him to sort himself out. I can't do it on my own. I've got my kids as well to think of and how nasty things could get. It's shit enough right now with us arguing. I am financially very vulnerable as well. He will want to sell the house. I would like to keep it because it's familiar surroundings for the kids and a future investment for them as well but no chance on zero wages and even working I'll never earn what my husband earns. He was sat again tonight watching the live streaming while we went trick or treating. He didn't want to come. He never wants to do anything whether it's school related, after school club related like swimming or football. I take the kids. He has come along in the past but only after being nagged first. Or he will only come if our son is doing well. Otherwise he won't come. Our son thinks the sun shines out of his arse just because he earns the money. I say mummy is the one physically here, doing everything, reading the bedtime stories, taking him to clubs, friends houses, cooking tea, washing his clothes, picking up new school shoes (the list goes on). I shouldn't but it hurts me so much. I want to take the kids and run miles away. But husband says he has rights and his family will help him. It's a bloody shit show it really is. I want out but I'm not strong enough. I have severe anxiety and I can't face him having the kids without me around. It makes me feel physically sick and so angry that he thinks he can when he does fuck all with them now.

If you do nothing else stop him using your name on the gambling sites. That is putting you at financial risk and not on.

I think talking about the house as a future investment for the kids when they are so young is madness. You need to sort out your life now not worry about 20 years time.

I hear you that he will smash things up and have a tantrum but clearly you came here for help because you need to do something. Move the PlayStation to your bedroom or a different room so he’s isolated and not influencing your son.

You clearly want out so I would start putting the steps in motion for that. Once baby is a bit older go back to work part time so he can split the childcare with you.