I'm struggling.

[SinkingSwim]

I don't even know how to start this other than to say I am struggling big time.
I have a beautiful two year old little girl and I am trying my absolute best to break the generational trauma in my family that has ruined my mental health and most of my life. All I want to do is make her feel safe, happy and loved and I try my best with that every day, but my god is it a struggle when all that is ingrained into me is anger, sadness and frustrations. My parents never even said they loved me and I tell my girl at least 10 times a day she will never feel unloved or that she can't come to me with anything. It's just hard trying to work through it all, accept that I may never understand how they could treat me like that and they still do even though I'm 27, when I'm around them I regress back to being that sad little girl and I don't know how to work past that. I put on a brave face but it's breaking me inside, I put so much pressure on myself not to be like them and to just be a good mum and not let her have issues like I do I'm so scared of that.
I guess what I'm saying is I need help to work through this all and to get to a healthy place, I don't have any other choice but to have my parents in my life as they provide much needed childcare without that I will not be able to work as we can't afford nursery fees (they do love my daughter so no concerns there, it's only me they don't)
I can't afford therapy right now, maybe in the future.

Sounds like you are a brilliant mum , a massive well done to you when you had a tough childhood . I know you say you can't afford therapy but do your doctors have an in-house counsellor ? They may well do and you just aren't aware of it .

Try speaking to your GP, they might be able to refer you to talk therapies which are free via the NHS. My partner is going through a similar things right now since we had our baby. Having children is wonderful but can bring up unresolved issues from your own childhood. He googled local counselling companies and found one for £30 per hour. I know if money is tight that still sounds a lot but you may only need a few sessions.

Take care OP 🫶🏻

Thank you both, I've tried googling and the nearest ones to me are roughly £50-60 an hour so won't be able to afford it til after Christmas at least. Just sick of feeling like I'm constantly fighting a battle 😢

Are you quite sure that your parents didn't love you? Some people find it hard to express their feelings. Were they unkind in other ways?
We sometimes try to compensate for our own upbringing by doing the opposite, and it's great that you let your daughter know how much you love her.
You can't do better than you are doing, so I would try to focus as much on the present as you can, even if you can't altogether forget the past.

It must be so tough for you. As the others have said, it sounds like you’re doing a great job and any way you can remind yourself of that will help.

If you feel counselling is the right option for you then although it’s a lot of money it will be well worth it.

In the mean time just try your best to focus on one day at a time. Talk to friends, partner, anyone you trust as well.

BTW he initially thought it was £50 per hour too but when he spoke to them he said is there anything cheaper (we’re struggling with money too) and they gave him a trainee/student counsellor who was 30 so may be worth asking about that? Xx

It's scary being a parent when you've had a difficult childhood yourself. We worry that we could make the same mistakes and pass on the trauma.

You're in touch with your emotions, which is an important first step, OP. There's stuff you now. What do you feel anger, sadness and frustration about?

@OutsideEveryday I will look into it, see if I can possibly do that as I really do need someone to help me work through all of this. I just feel like my head is a constant jumble of thoughts and I'm not sure how to move past any of them.

@CognitiveBehaviouralHypnotherapy It really is, it's my constant biggest fear that I'll somehow give my daughter trauma and she'll feel how I do, and I never ever want her to feel like this.
It's that my upbringing seems to be ingrained in me - my parents first instinct was to shout and smack, I'll never ever lay a finger on my little girl and I'm just trying to undo the thoughts and behaviours - for example if she does something she shouldn't I have shouted in the past but now that I'm more aware of how my reactions will affect her I'll gently tell her to stop or remove her. It's just so hard and mentally draining sometimes to be constantly stressing over my behaviour because I'm terrified of doing anything that could make my child feel how I did, I think that's where the anger and sadness comes in because I think why didn't my parents just love me and break the cycle themselves? 😞

Hats off to you your doing brilliant. I have mental health I struggle with anger anxiety ptsd bpd. And it's a struggle daily soon as my kids are asleep in sad and down. I completely cut ties with my mum as she was the toxic one through my childhood and was trying to pass that to my children I brought them up how I wanted to be brought up. I'm also 27 2 children 1 on the way. You can get through this I promise there's light at the end of the tunnel jsut try and work out what sits your triggers and speak to a doctor. I was scared they would take my children from how I felt but they really don't they're there to help you.

You're doing such a great job as a mum@SinkingSwim hopefully you can see that yourself and be kind to yourself?

But I can feel quite a bit of tension in your posts. It's good that you can pinpoint where the anger and the sadness come from. I think you could benefit from expressing those emotions and let them out.

I see that a chat with your parents may not be possible. What could be other ways you'd like to release that emotional charge you're feeling? I'm thinking along the lines of writing, art, sport, could even be gardening, etc

Can you express those emotions in some way?

I feel like a total imposter replying on here but wanted to suggest something I've found helpful which is "Inner Child" work. There's a good book by Simon Chapple on Amazon, it talks about childhood emotional neglect and has lots of practical things to do. Some of them are not easy I warn you so might be better to explore with a counsellor. But I'm finding it helpful to work through.

The most important thing is you are aware and from your post, you sound like a loving and caring Mum so well done to you.