I missed my lovely Dad die

[LETmyDYINGDadDown]

My Dad dies yesterday afternoon, he has been in an unconscious state unable to open his eyes, could only move feet, arms sometimes & roll head to side.

I was with him 8 hours 2.30am-10.30am. During that time I talked to him about all our lovely memories etc, held his hands, stoked his face, kissed his forehead. He lifted his arm and did a kind of hugging motion luke trying to scoop me in, I couldn't believe it we had 3 lovely hugs as I had his arm around my back. I don't know if this is normal or a reflex, he did it as I was close to him talking in his ear and pouring my heart out and he turned his head towards me and the arm he lifted was on the side I was on all 3 times. I felt extremely comforted and i hope my Dad was too. After the I hours had passed I asked the nurse and she said my dad's death wasn't imminent. They said my Dad was slightly agitated and were going to change his morphine to a continuous supply as the start of pallative care, she said it was being signed off by the pharmacy. I felt exhausted with having no sleep, i have epilepsy and young children also. I told my Dad his medicine was coming, kissed him, said I loved him and would see him soon. I went home, slept 2 hours and got hospital phone call. I raced over there and missed by dad die by 30 minutes, my sibling missed it by 2 mins. The lovely nurse said he went peacefully and within mins after they increased his sedatives, she said herself and 2 of her colleagues (also amazing) were with him, and she held his hand. She said he was responding to me earlier and it was better I was there then. My dad's pulse dropped and me and my sibling were talking to my dad on each side saying me loved him and it was okay to let go,we were with him we were togethern and he didn't need to fight anymore. The moment got so intense we though that is was honestly going to happen, but my dad seemed to cling on, and move more when he heard my voice.

However, the guilt is eating me up, why didn't I stay and just have a nap in the chair, why did I leave my wonderful dad and before he even had his continuous drip. I feel sick to the stomach and that I have let my dad down when he needed me the most. It is eating me up how he was without those final 4 hours. This will stay with me until the day I die. How do i get past this? Will my dad have reached for me for another hug in those final hours? Will he have felt alone and in dispair? How long were they to give him the continuous morphine for him? Will he have known he was without his children there?

I feel like my heart has been ripped out. This grief is hard enough without this overwhelming guilt. I don't get a rewind, I'm playing the moment I left over and over in my head.

How do I live with massively failing my beautiful dad?

I promised my dad I would look after myself, but how do I eat? How do I go on to eat any of the foods that were his favourites? I cannot bear this feeling, need to see my dad.

It takes time. Took me over a year to even be able to say the word mum without welling up. But you get there. It never goes away but it gets easier and it become more "normal" iyswim?

We now talk about my mum constantly as it's much easier for us all and we'll never forget her.

@LETmyDYINGDadDown this is such an awful time for you. It’s like a feeling of being physically stunned, as if you’ve been hit over the head and you’re seeing stars. I walked around like this for weeks, months. In a daze.

I didn’t want to sleep in case I dreamed of my mum, and I couldn’t face that. Every morning I woke up and it all had to start again. But - the grief changes, it really does. Everyone tells you 'it gets better'. Well, it kind of does; it gets different. And much as you can’t believe it at this stage, you will find a way to keep living with the love of your dad as a thing you hold within you - a comfort and a blessing.

Try not to worry too much about big things for now. You have to just keep putting one foot in front of another.

Aw I'm so sorry for your loss OP, truly, you can 'hear' the pain in your words - grief is brutal.

What you've said about your dad is what we would all hope for at the end of our lives isn't it? I hope when my day comes my kids can talk about me with the same pure love you speak of about your dad, he obviously did a fantastic job and I hope he felt proud of himself - parenting is hard but he obviously aced it! 😊

What you're feeling is all part of the grieving process, i'm sure you know that but when you're in the depths of it it's easy to forget. Imagine reading your post but in your children's voices about you - what would you say to them? No parent, especially one who has spent their lifetime earning the privilege of leaving this world with their children's love would want their loved ones to carry the burden of unwarranted guilt. Whatever you'd say to your kids is what your dad would say to you, because he raised you, you know his words. Try to be as kind to yourself as you would be to your own children.

Thinking of you

I feel so bad for you, OP. My dad died when i was 38; he got an infection and was gone in three days, right before Christmas Eve.

I felt like there should be volcanoes and earthquakes and lightning bolts and thunder as my sister and mum and i drove away from the hospital, instead of everyone acting normal and the world moving on. Dazed, stunned. I (who am normally quite stoic) have a vague memory of lying on the floor of his hospital room sobbing. We had to agree to let the doctors pull the plug.

It sounds like you did everything well. He knew he was loved. He doesn't know he is dead and he's not suffering. If he had one last wish it would be for you to enjoy life. It's ok to enjoy a meal and to relax and take care of yourself. You've been through a horrible ordeal. It won't always feel this bad.

We were lucky to have dads worthy of grieving over. Many don't. This is the price we pay. It's rough but it won't always feel so bad.

Thank you for your beautiful responses, I am touched by what lovely compassionate people you all are. I appreciate you sharing your deeply upsetting and personal experiences, thank you.

I'm not eating and feeling so ill that I'm putting my health at risk, I'm breaking the promise I made to my dad. I'm failing my children. I know my dad only died yesterday, but it is absolutely excruciating. I just wanted to ask if anybody went to the GP for temporary medication? Do they give you it after such a short time of grieving?

You are lovely, OP. Don't dwell on it xxx

Yes, OP, I went to the GP for diazepam and he readily gave it to me. Only about a week's worth but it was a godsend. I got some when my mom died, too.

Don't expect too much of yourself these first few days. Drink lots of water, try to eat something, try to sleep or rest. It does feel like the world is ending. Things will improve; it's the "new normal," but we have to live on.

Promise you will drink a big glass of water and try to eat a little something?

Go your GP tomorrow but please drink some water at least and eat something- even it it is only a few crisps or some chocolate. Think of your child and do it for them- you can do it I promise.
I was in your shoes 20 yrs ago. Look after yourself- I still hear my dear dad and can hear him saying stop bloody daft! He also chose to wait until he was alone- we knew the end was near but decided to go and make a cup of tea after sitting with him in shifts for 48 hrs. Then he just slipped away,
My lovely mother-in -law died very suddenly this week- in her 90's in her own home so it's been a tough time- was a massive shock and we have spent the day as a family at her house- cleaning and clearing up but lots of hugs and laughs despite the tears - she had 5 children who are very close still and all have partners who loved her too. She would have loved being there with everyone round at the same time!
It hurts seeing the world carrying on as normal- when my Dad died I got angry when people laughed and joked and went about their lives- over time it gets so much easier. We raise a glass to him on his birthday every year. Tonight we raised a glass for lovely MIL xx

Thank you, I am getting angry at the world too, when I hear people laughing, smiling shouting excitedly I think "stop it!! I can't gain enjoyment out of anything right now. I'm not eating at all unless being forced to by dh, and I can only manage a tiny meal. I'm losing weight fast, chest tightness and I am in so much intense dispair.
Our relationship was so very close, we clicked and understood each other. Our conversations I can't find with anybody else, nobody can fill my dad's shoes. I miss his comments, our dry humour, little things we would do to make us both laugh (little traditions from childhood etc). I just cannot accept my dad has gone. The relationship was so deep, and because of that I'm in a world of pain. I have never felt anything even close to this. When I walk I feel like I'm struggling through snow.

I also feel so angry that I am left with far too much of my life without him, and to miss him for. My children were supposed to know who he was, he was supposed to see them grow up. Being in my 30s and losing my dad, it wasn't supposed to be this way.

I understand the anger. My healthy, fit dad who worked out 3x a week at the gym died at age 72 of a preventable hospital infection after a procedure.

I don't think the bitterness will ever go away. It's been 20 years and in my mind I still "talk" to him. He never saw an iphone, etc.; would have loved the internet.

But I also hear his voice saying "Don't let this ruin your Christmas, kid," or "Life changes; you have to enjoy it while you can." He would be aghast if he knew how much i wallowed over his and mum's deaths.

You are still very much in shock. Get through each day. Please drink your water and eat something. It's hard. You'll make it. As a tribute to your lovely dad.

I lost my dad last year and wasn’t there when he passed. He was in a ward with strangers and nurses who didn’t care. He was such a lovely man and a caring father and I never told him any of the wonderful things you did with your dad op. I wish I had but it was just so hard to even think he’d die. Your post has me in floods of tears. You will get past this raw pain I promise.

I'm so sorry 💐💐💐💐