I missed my lovely Dad die

[LETmyDYINGDadDown]

My Dad dies yesterday afternoon, he has been in an unconscious state unable to open his eyes, could only move feet, arms sometimes & roll head to side.

I was with him 8 hours 2.30am-10.30am. During that time I talked to him about all our lovely memories etc, held his hands, stoked his face, kissed his forehead. He lifted his arm and did a kind of hugging motion luke trying to scoop me in, I couldn't believe it we had 3 lovely hugs as I had his arm around my back. I don't know if this is normal or a reflex, he did it as I was close to him talking in his ear and pouring my heart out and he turned his head towards me and the arm he lifted was on the side I was on all 3 times. I felt extremely comforted and i hope my Dad was too. After the I hours had passed I asked the nurse and she said my dad's death wasn't imminent. They said my Dad was slightly agitated and were going to change his morphine to a continuous supply as the start of pallative care, she said it was being signed off by the pharmacy. I felt exhausted with having no sleep, i have epilepsy and young children also. I told my Dad his medicine was coming, kissed him, said I loved him and would see him soon. I went home, slept 2 hours and got hospital phone call. I raced over there and missed by dad die by 30 minutes, my sibling missed it by 2 mins. The lovely nurse said he went peacefully and within mins after they increased his sedatives, she said herself and 2 of her colleagues (also amazing) were with him, and she held his hand. She said he was responding to me earlier and it was better I was there then. My dad's pulse dropped and me and my sibling were talking to my dad on each side saying me loved him and it was okay to let go,we were with him we were togethern and he didn't need to fight anymore. The moment got so intense we though that is was honestly going to happen, but my dad seemed to cling on, and move more when he heard my voice.

However, the guilt is eating me up, why didn't I stay and just have a nap in the chair, why did I leave my wonderful dad and before he even had his continuous drip. I feel sick to the stomach and that I have let my dad down when he needed me the most. It is eating me up how he was without those final 4 hours. This will stay with me until the day I die. How do i get past this? Will my dad have reached for me for another hug in those final hours? Will he have felt alone and in dispair? How long were they to give him the continuous morphine for him? Will he have known he was without his children there?

I feel like my heart has been ripped out. This grief is hard enough without this overwhelming guilt. I don't get a rewind, I'm playing the moment I left over and over in my head.

How do I live with massively failing my beautiful dad?

Sorry on all of my typos, I am numb and it is difficult to type through this immense distress. Hope it makes sense.

Sorry for your loss.

My understanding is it often happens that a loved one slips away whilst the relative is out of the room. Almost like they just need time first?

Please don't feel guilty.

Don't beat yourself up, OP. This is a thing. When my mum was dying, the Hospice person warned me that parents have a way of slipping away when their children are not there. As he rather bluntly put it: "Doesn't matter if you've been sitting by the bedside for 12 hours, they'll wait until your bladder is full." In my case, I was in the shower when Mum went. You're feeling grief, and that's natural, but don't feel guilt. Dying is a doorway that everyone goes through alone.

Aw I’m so sorry for your loss and to read your sad post. I don’t have particular words of wisdom but what stands out to me is that your Dad maybe felt it was the right time to go as he had been able to enjoy the experience of having a hug and a lovely chat with you and felt at peace. You sound like a wonderful daughter and I am sure that he passed on feeling relaxed thanks to the nurses’ care, loved and respected. Don’t beat yourself up about it, you’ve been there for him and shown him love - likely not just in his final days but I’m sure, for a lifetime.

Sometimes people wait to die until they are alone. Talk to nurses or hospice people; it may comfort you.

Please don't let this eat you up. I have similar qualms about how I managed my parents' last days but it is what it is. We all do the best we can when we are stressed and exhausted. Be kinder to yourself. Clearly your dad loved you and was proud of you.

The morphine would have eased him, too. He likely was not super aware once that started.

Sorry for your loss.💐 Remember that he wants you to enjoy life and be happy, not waste it with second-guessing and regrets. 💐

It really is a thing. I spent 5 days including 2 nights with my lovely dad & he still managed to slip away while I was napping briefly in another room. He knew you had been there & loved him.

Oh sweetheart!! You did and said everything you needed to whilst you were with him. Parents KNOW how much we love them...your dad knew how much you loved him for sure!!

I totally understand how you must feel though...utterly devastated. But...and please believe me...your dad felt your presence there when he hugged you. He knew how loved he was right up to the end ♥️

Time is a great healer of grief...but our grief journey is a very personal one, and each of us walks it alone...no matter how much support we have (and I hope you have lots!) the path we tread through our grief is a lonely one. Take your time...there is no limit and no rules to follow. You WILL get through the pain OP ♥️

Sending peace and comfort to you 💐

OP I’m so sorry for your loss. You must be reeling. Try and take some comfort from the fact that death is a process. You were there at the most important bit where your dad could still hear and respond to you and heard all the lovely words you said and felt your hugs.
The part of the process that you missed, well, he wouldn’t have known if you were there. And watching a loved one actually pass is incredibly upsetting and stays with you forever. So you got the best of both worlds this way, still able to say the things you needed to whilst not witnessing the final stages.
Be kind to yourself and know you did everything you could/should have done.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I think it's a natural part of grief and shock to feel guilt. If you had been there as your dad died you likely would have felt guilt over something else - a teenage rebellion or an argument you had years ago for example.
FWIW a friend of mine is a palliative care nurse and she says it's extremely common for people to hang on long enough to say goodbye to their loved ones, and then be at peace enough to let themselves go when their loved ones have left. She sees it so often - somebody sits by the dying person's side for hours, comforting them, and the person dies when they go to the loo. It's very distressing for the family but she believes people can have a small amount of agency around their death and that some people want to be alone as they die, either to spare their family members or for some private reason of their own. It may be that you gave your dad the death he wanted.

But you were there while he lived. You were there when he was seaware of you and could respond to you.

I feel sick to the stomach and that I have let my dad down when he needed me the most. You didn't let him down.

You did all you needed to do and don't need to feel any guilt.

To echo PPs, I have just been on a training course about palliative care and they talked about this as something that commonly happens. Please try not to feel too guilty about not being there; I think there must be a reason this happens so often, maybe it is easier for people to go when there loved ones are not there.

It sounds like you had a wonderful goodbye, sharing all those memories and happiness, and having those lovely hugs. Grief is complicated and so fresh for you - hopefully in time, you will feel at peace with the time you spent with your dad xx

As others have said this is a very common thing. Very common.

My own lovely dad died about half an hour after my sisters left him. We too had been told it wasn’t imminent.

My mum died about half an hour after my sister and dad left her.

My Nana died in the time it took for my aunt to come downstairs to ask my dad to help re-position her.

FIL died in the time it took a nurse to come and get us to say we could go back into the room after they had cleared his lungs and made him comfortable.

You were with him when he needed you. You told him you loved him. He will have felt that love and comfort. And then he was ready to slip away.

I am sorry about the loss of your lovely dad. It’s a really hard one. I’m still floored by it at times.

Oh OP, exactly the same thing happened to me with my dad. I had been with him for 17 hours and awake for 24 hours (to travel to him) but I’d had surgery and was so uncomfortable so thought I’d go home and lie flat for an hour or two. I got home 20 minutes after I’d left the hospital, set me alarm for 2 hours, got straight into bed, and the phone went. It was a nurse telling me he had passed. Earlier in the evening he’d had the last rites and although I’m not religious, the priest said something that gives me comfort to this day. He said, ‘Don’t worry if he waits until you’ve left the room. It’s very common - you pop to the loo, you go to grab a coffee or make a phone call, and they choose to leave then because they don’t want any fuss’. And this was my dad to a Tee. He hated fuss and would have hated a big family wailing round the bed as he passed. I think and hope he did it his way. He was an amazing dad, and we got to tell him that before he passed. You will think about it over the coming weeks and months, and it will be a spot of sadness and regret, but know he was at peace, and that he loved you, and wouldn’t want you to feel bad that you weren’t there. x

Your dad knew you were there.

You spent some meaningful time together.

He waited until you had gone to then peacefully pass on.

There's absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about. It sounds like he naturally reached the end of his time. It sounds like a gentle passing and he knew he was loved.

Sounds like he loved you too much to have you watch him go.

Oh lovely it sounds like he had a really good death, it really does. The bugs and you talk to him are really wonderful. He wasn’t in pain and he had someone with him at the end. Of course it’s all raw and shit and horrible as you’ve just lost your wonderful dad. But I promise you didn’t fail him and you let him have the peaceful loving death so many don’t get. A lot of people don’t want their families to be there at the point of date and watch them die. They wait until they nip out.

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. Your dad sounds like he did a WONDERFUL job raising two equally wonderful daughters and having such a loving family. Those moments you shared with the hugs were a great comfort for your dad and ofcourseto you. He will have taken that with him, and it will be a source of great comfort to you for the rest of your life.

He knew how much you loved him and would understand your not being there at the last minute.

As someone has said, it seems that some loved ones "choose" to go when their family have popped out, even when it takes as little as two minutes.

So be kind to yourself. You did everything you possibly could have done. And from the sound of it, you needed that rest at home to give you strength for the hard days to come. May your dad rest in peace, and may you be comforted with the lovely memories you shared with him.

I'm so sorry for your loss. This happened to me too - I was with my Dad for the days and hours before he died, but when it happened I was catching up on a few hours of sleep. I raced back there but just missed him. I felt so awful about and couldn't stop thinking about it but it was 18 months ago and I'm gradually coming round to the fact that I did ok - I looked after him a lot in the years before and he knew how much I loved him. It's also a very real possibility that he chose that moment to go, to spare me from seeing it happen. Look after yourself 💐

Also I want to share with you something my Dad said to me after one of his many hospital stays after a flare up of his condition. He said that he had almost died (his hospital notes tallied with this) and he told me the experience was 'wonderful' and 'lovely' - two words he used. He said he could have chosen to just slip off then but he said it wasn't quite the right time. After that he didn't fear death. This also helped me cope with the fact that we weren't there at the actual moment.

Dear @LETmyDYINGDadDown, your distress is so palpable. I’m so sorry you’ve lost your lovely Dad.

I don’t want to make this all about me, but will just say that I also missed my dad’s death - I was still on the motorway racing to get there. I was with my beloved mum when she died, though, and I felt traumatised even though I’d always been determined to somehow be with her, especially after missing my dad’s final moments.

What is very precious is that you shared time with him, he knew you were there, and you were able to tell him the things you wanted to. I couldn’t do this with my mum because, thanks to Covid, she was trapped in hospital for the couple of weeks before her death (although she didn’t actually have Covid) with all visitors totally forbidden.

I know it won’t seem like any consolation right now as you’re reeling with grief and exhaustion, but you did a good thing. You told him you loved him and hugged him and he knew you were there. You did not fail him.

Couldn't put this better.

I also have qualms. For me I was told mum could be like that for days so planned to visit following morning.

She died 2.5 hours later.

You obviously had a wonderful relationship with with your dad, and may his memory be a blessing.

I think the main thing to think about is what your dad would want? Would he want you to dwell on your not being there on the moment of his death and to beat yourself up about it? I doubt it very much, I am sure he would want you to cherish his memory and live your life, understanding that you were there when it mattered, you can be sure of that.

Another perspective:

I always feel my mum wanted to die in private. She never got that chance because we sat there until the bitter end. I kind of regret that and feel almost like it was a battle of the wills. I always think she would have gone sooner if we’d just gone for dinner or something. We should have given her more space and privacy.

I am sorry for your loss OP.

So sorry for your loss, I agree with PPs it's very often the case they wait until we leave the room and then pass away.

Dad stepped out of the room to call me because Mum was going to pass soon and I should make my way to the hospital, not even two minutes he was out of the room and she was gone when he went back in.

Sounds like you had a lovely relationship with your Dad, time helps the sadness turn into smiles at the memories.

Grief is a very individual thing so please take time and look after yourself too.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your beautiful, thoughtful and compassionate responses. I have read every single one of them at least twice, and I am comforted by them all. I am also sorry for all of your own individual turmoil you have experienced.

@FannyBawz this is a perspective I have never thought of. Thank you so much, because it is ringing so true.

My dad couldn't open his eyes or speak since he was admitted to hospital, it torments me to think I will never see his eyes open again. Me and my brother shared memories over his bed about funny things that had happened, old holidays & normal vacuous chit chat.
He had the chance to go with me and my brother either side as we comforted him. I told him both of his children are here, and that it was okay to let go, to go towards the sun, we are all together taking him to a beautiful happy place. I told him it was time to think of himself now, we would all be okay as our hearts are connected.

I told him he was enough, he was more than enough, that his life had a huge impact on ours, that he was the best dad I could ever ask for, a lovely beautiful dad who I adored. I told him about menories when I was a little girl, notes I would write to him to cheer him up, times he would carry me and dance with me, and how I understood him, and he understood me. We shared the 3 hugs, and I pressed my face against his cheek and told him he always gives the best hug. I told him that he didn't need to fight anymore, and to let any worries, anxiety all go. I told him we would make a deal. I would be strong for him and not to worry, I would be okay and look after myself and my children. And he was to be strong for me and breath in all of that relaxation waiting for him and let all of his troubles go. He always worried about me when he was alive, I had to make him believe I would be okay.

I told him he would see his Mum & Dad & brother who were all waiting for him, and not to worry about us. He wasn't leaving us because we would always be together as well, I told him every time I think about him I know he will be there, he would be there in all of the things I do, all of the little things. I told him he would be beside me every single day, I would think about him every day. I told him again in the future but again we would always together, it wouldn't feel long and that I would see him soon.

Despite all this, his breathing changing, his pulse slowing he held on. It was like the talking was keeping him here. He died 4 hours later when I said dad your medicine is coming soon, kissed his forehead, said I love you and I'll see you soon.

I feel like a part of me is missing, my heart has been ripped out. I can't concentrate on anything.

I am texting his old mobile number, telling him I'm sorry, telling him he broke his promise because we had agreed he would be here until 90 at least, but I know it wasn't his fault. I said he wasn't supposed to go yet, it wasn't his time, he was supposed to see my young children grow into adults.

It was a huge shock how quickly he declined, and I am absolutely devastated. My head hurts from crying, visceral crying. We were so close and we are so similar. Everywhere I look I am reminded of my dad, it is making me feel sick that I can't ever buy him his favourite chocolate, biscuits etc yet again. I can't buy him thr things I had planned to buy him for Christmas, he can't eat the dinner I had planned. He can't eat the chocolate cakes I will make ever again, what do I do with his share of the things I bake/cook? I am lost, utterly lost.

. I want to cancel Halloween, Christmas, every first event without him. I can't for my young children, and don't know how on earth I am going to get through it. I am feeling utter pain & despair.