Feeling like the worst mum In the world

[Goldfishonabike]

Just that really and what to do about it. I just feel like I’m so short tempered, stressed out, controlling and shit and generally the cause of all my kids’ problems. Realize this sounds like I’m
throwing myself a pity party, I’m just so stuck in a negative mindset and negative cycles. DC’s are 9 and 7, DD who’s 9 is struggling socially, has no friends and yesterday we had aren’t teachers meeting and basically the teacher told us other kids find her annoying as she’s “focusing on things they find annoying, and getting involved in other’s business”. I now think she’s like that because I’m quite like that, I’m also correcting DH’s interactions with the kids as he’s quite short temper and shouts too much, so probably DD has picked up that behavior from me. I try not to do it, but find his behavior so stressful I can’t help it. He refuses couples or individual therapy but still won’t divorce. I don’t think I want to split either, as we do have a strong bond and some happy moments and he is also a caring and attentive father who pulls his weight in terms of housework too. I don’t think I’d be happier without him, I suffered from an eating disorder and depression before we met, so my issues aren’t caused by this marriage although the current state of our relationship is helping things, but that’s caused by us both tbh. I’m seeing a therapist and it’s helping a bit but not significantly. Some days I feel like the kids and DH would be better of without me, and although I love them all so much and especially the kids, they are my everything, I sometimes dream of packing a suitcase and getting on a plane to somewhere far away and live my life all alone in the sunshine and never marry again. But I also know I HAD that single and free life with a good career prior to getting married and all I wanted was a husband and kids. Now I have it and I feel like I’m failing at it miserably - I feel like a bad mum, bad wife, and a bad employee too, as my manager is annoyed w my performance because I’m struggling to make enough effort lately due to feeling so down. My job is fairly demanding and well-paid and currently DH is unemployed so I must keep this job and do well. I feel trapped and like there’s no way out or any chance of anything to improve. Any advice?

Other kids find your daughter annoying and she's struggling socially. First thing I'd want to rule out with any child that is struggling socially and found annoying by peers as they head towards secondary school age is the possibility that they might be ND. Emotional immaturity and social struggles are very typical and often become more noticeable around this age.

Think about yourself, your DH and both sides of the family - anyone that might be ND on either side? Because if she is ND it will have come from somewhere.

It sounds like a lot is falling on your shoulders at the moment and you're struggling. Why isn't your DH working at the moment? If he had a job you wouldn't feel so much pressure.

If you’re in the demanding, well-paid job, and your DH is unemployed, then I’m sorry, this is primarily HIS problem. He must spend more time with the kids. What is HIS plan to help DD socially? Maybe HE could make some GP appointments, take her to some extra-curricular clubs, or post on Reddit to come up with some ideas.

I think you’re a great mum. You are keeping a roof over their heads and doing your best.

DH has only been unemployed for two months. He’s in a sector that’s in crisis right now and there’s widespread unemployment. He’s doing all he can to find a new job and also upgrading his skills while being at home. He’s doing ll drop ffs and pick up, all dinners and most of the cleaning at the moment, so although I know I’d be doing even more if I was at home, he’s doing ok. He gets angry if I ask him to step up even more, but he does do the the requested task Albeit reluctantly.

have considered DD could be ND. But DH won’t hear of it. None of us are, neither family members.

@Greycottage I know, but he thinks I’m too worried and that she’s doing ok. He thinks her loneliness is normal. Sometimes I think he may be ND himself but undiagnosed. He had a difficult childhood and his stress threshold is low, he isn’t really able to take initiative for things to do for he r and with her. He will do whatever I organize, she has swimming and drama class and he takes her there but doesn’t come up w thugs himself. He has never organized a playdate. Continued attempts by me to make him be pre active on this front has had 0 result so I’d given up. I know is struggle even more as a single
mum, as at least he is able to carry out tasks when I plan it. If I was alone neither DD not DS would be able to attend any extracurriculars and I couldn’t keep this job with the drop off and pick up times