EUPD

[sadforthem]

Could someone help please.
A relative seems to tick many boxes for this.
She has very little support in rl.
She has alienated quite a few people, including a parent ( though the parent may have been a major contributor to her child's fragile mental state) her siblings, her now ex boyfriend and what friends she had.
She has reached out to me.
I am not usually in contact with her.
I was advised not to engage by her df for my own good.
I find this hard to do as I think I'm a kind, caring person.
I worry about her.
She doesn't appear to have any one apart from her df caring about her. And he finds it really difficult and doesn't want to talk about it.
I did reply to her.
I called her.
We went round in circles on the call, over and over talking about the same stuff.
She didn't take on board anything I said, I feel.
The call was long.
Then I had 15 missed calls and numerous text messages.
It was after midnight.
She wants to phone again and to meet up
She phoned at 11.30 last night. I didn't answer.
She then texted asking for a call today.
What do I do ?
She is supposed to be getting professional help. But I don't know if she is actually going to appointments.
She is currently off work.

Honestly I would step back .. you will absolutely set yourself on fire trying to keep her warm and she wont take advice or thank you... we found Bpd for dummies a useful resource book.

Unless they Really want to "get better" and work hard and take meds, absolutely nothing you will say will have any impact.

Offer helpline numbers via text then block for a week or so then if you must offer 1 phone call once a week at a set time only for X minutes (boundries are very very important)

Thank you so much for responding @crazyBadger

I was googling to try and understand and that's when I came across Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.
Personally I prefer the latter term.
To my knowledge there has been no diagnosis yet but when I was reading about behaviour and EUPD I thought yes, that is so close to the behaviour the family ( and no doubt the friends and partners in the past ) have experienced.
There is no self awareness there to my knowledge.
I can't bring up BPD or EUPD.
With her or the family member I am in contact with.
I'm just hoping she is seeing a psychiatrist or psychotherapist or psychologist - whichever gives her the most assistance.
It's heartbreaking to see her floundering and she can't see how her behaviour impacts so negatively on people that they walk away.
Do I walk away too ?
She must think me so rude and unkind for not responding / replying to her request for a call.

I shall read that book.
Thank you again for your help.

I'm in recovery for EUPD/BPD. I have found Dialectical Behavioural Therapy to be very useful, maybe her local NHS trust does it ? There are other therapies like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Mentalisation Based Therapy but I've had little experience of those so my knowledge there is limited.

BPD for Dummies, Walking on Eggshells, and Sometimes I Act Crazy are all brilliant books at understanding BPD. Have a look on Amazon.

Invalidation is like kryptonite for us, and sometimes we may perceive it when it's not there. Not that I'm suggesting you are in any way being invalidating. Just a heads up because often with me loved ones innocently said or did things I perceived to be rejection or invalidation and that would be very triggering to me.

It's up to you what level of contact you have with her, you are not responsible for her behaviour but at same time she needs a way of breaking free from the prison she is in. It will take time and patience but I look back and am glad for those who kept encouraging me to seek help and that they persisted even when I pushed them away at times or resisted their boundaries (needing more contact than they could give me or needing validation and assurance they couldn't always give). I am especially grateful to the friend who always showed me kindness and a listening ear but at the same time directed me to professional help and set firm boundaries and was honest about how my behaviour affected her at times .

We don't live in the UK and I don't know what is available here.

I haven't broached mentioning EUPD to her df yet. I need to see him face to face I think. He may get annoyed and defensive that I have a "label".

I believe a label helps get the support needed.
Please forgive me if I am saying anything "out of turn".

@sadforthem you absolutely aren't saying anything out of turn. Perhaps a look on the internet for what's available in your country may be helpful but approach the subject with caution with them. They may not be prepared to accept they need help yet. Best wishes to you both.

Another way to approach it may be to suggest he needs help with his mental or emotional health and suggest asking a doctor for a referral (depending on how it works where you are)

I mean, without using a label. Some people don't like them, like you I feel they can be useful, not everyone sees them the same way.

With a condition as serious as EUPD your relative needs to be seen by a psychiatrist. It can’t be down to you to ‘label’ her.

I know that.
I really hope they're going to appointments that have been made.

‘I haven't broached mentioning EUPD to her df yet. I need to see him face to face I think. He may get annoyed and defensive that I have a "label". ‘

Well you did say that it was you who had decided on the diagnosis and that you had a label.

Encourage engagement with professionals and leave the diagnosis to them.

I will absolutely encourage engagement with professionals @Petrine

Thank you