My teen doesn't like me and loves my mother

[Feellikegivingup81]

m not sure if this is the right place to post.

just like my name, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

I have 2 dd's. Was very ill (mental health/addiction) about 8-9 years ago and eldest daughter, 14, went to like with my mother. Youngest DD (6) is with me and DH.

There is no reason for her not to come home, but she is very very close to my mother and basically doesn't like me very much, so doesn't want to, which I've accepted.

I feel terrible for not being that well when she was little, it must've had an huge impact. My mother is often reminding me how damaging this must've been. I wish I could turn back the clock.

Eldest DD is doing really well at school, lovely group of friends, but I worry about her emotionally as she can be quite withdrawn. This may be a result of what happened. We have had an assessment with children's social care, but despite my mother citing trauma, they said they weren't overly concerned as she is doing so well and seems in a good place mentally, essentially they didn't really detect any trauma.

Theres nothing I can do to get my eldest baby home, but I do worry about her with my mother as I found my own childhood quite damaging. I'm not blaming my mother for my mistakes, but I do worry.
My eldest daughter thinks the sun shines out of her, which I get - she provided much needed stability which was so important. But now she won't give my daughter back.

It sounds like a terrible situation all round, it must have been awful. Why couldn’t your daughter stay at home with her dad?

What contact do you have with her? Do you get on when you see each other? Do you spend time just the two of you? How does she respond if you suggest it?

Is your mum refusing to give her back, or is she refusing to come?

Thanks for your reply, different Dads so a different situation.

Contact is sporadic, essentially whenever she wants, which is fine but I do feel quite anxious without a routine. There is a contact order but it hasn't been adhered to in a while.

I try and have one to one time with her, she doesn't always want to, and I accept and respect that.

Initally my mother didn't want to give her back and now she doesn't want to come. Again, I accept that. And I know ultimately that it's my actions that led to this.

It’s terribly sad for you, I can tell you’re grieving the relationship you wish you had with your older child.

How is your relationship with your mum now?

Have you told your daughter how you feel about what happened?

I mean, your sadness and guilt is your problem to handle, not hers. But have you apologised? Told her it was a terrible mistake and you wish with all your heart you could go back and shake some sense into yourself and go for help. Because she deserved better than she got at that time.

If not I wonder if she might appreciate that. An apology and an explanation of what your hopes are for the relationship in the future. A letter, handwritten? Maybe get someone a little less involved (your DH?) to check before you send anything in case it’s too intense for a child. It would be tricky to pitch it right but it might mean a lot to her.

I guess from her perspective she probably wants to know where she stands with everyone, after going through so much chaos. Sounds like your mum is pretty reliable. Could you commit to something low-pressure but regular, if she would agree to it? A one-on-one trip out for lunch every week, or a cinema trip every couple of weeks? Collect her from school every Friday and go to a cafe? To show her you’re committed to building a relationship with her on her terms.

She’ll be wary of trusting you, but it’s your job as the adult to deal with that and do what she needs.

The thing is, it isn’t about giving her back anymore. A teenager can pretty much decide where to live. If you want to be present in each others’ lives you need to convince her you can be trusted, and build up a relationship that has been damaged. It’s a tough task, but if you’re determined I think you could make progress.

Play the long game.
Don't give up

Your mother seems to be happy with the status quo and "...mother is often reminding me how damaging this must've been"

Could some sort of family therapy help to present a balanced picture to all concerned?