Please or to access all these features

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Is this a normal mother-daughter relationship?

9 replies

sofiaparker · 23/10/2023 18:06

I'm a 23 year old female finishing off at uni. I live at home. Although it isn't my parents' job anymore to look after me, I am still depending on them while I get up on my 2 feet. Am I an asshole for expecting some respect from my mum (47). If I make a small mistake like making the bathroom mat too wet or accidentally making a mess then clearing it off myself also, she gives me a big shouting like I messed her whole life up. I try to be understanding as she is having a tough time at work too, but I am just tired of always being anxious of when she will yell at me next for the stupidest reasons. She is not receptive to love/care neither to firmness. And nowadays it is like she doesn't even talk to me, all communication is done via shouting.

I have mental health issues too, and she is making it worse, she is never there for me as a mother but I would hope at least her behaviour wouldn't get in the way. I am not allowed to get a part time job and I have to be home in the evenings and on the weekend. I have to inform her where I am going and when I will go. It is like I don't have let alone independence, but even breathing space. And I'm tired of the constant ridicule and just being treated as I have no right to live because of any of my shortcomings. Don't all humans have shortcomings?

It feels mentally exhausting as I feel isolated having no real friends and not being able to make friends either, and not even having any sort of emotional support at home. I can't just move out and say no as I am not financially independent either. My dad just doesn't get involved either. I feel a bit lost in life. And I request all that if you have any negative comments please keep them to your self, you will never understand what anyone is going through until and unless you are in their shoes. All helpful comments are welcome.

OP posts:
tiglit · 23/10/2023 18:10

What do you mean you're not "allowed" a part time job? The only way out will be moving out so you need to financially prepare for that. Is there anywhere else you can go?

Hermittrismegistus · 23/10/2023 18:10

Sounds shit but the only thing you can do is get a job and move out into a cheap house share or a job in a hotel that provides accommodation.

Flibbertygibbetty · 23/10/2023 18:13

It sounds as if they are exerting complete control of you. How can they stop a 23 year old from going out that’s ridiculous. OP get a part time job, set yourself some strong boundaries and let her criticism slide off you, don’t let her see you get upset. Think how you want to live and put small steps in place to make it happen. You definitely need to be ready to move out as soon as possible. Good luck.

Lavenderosa · 23/10/2023 18:14

" I am not allowed to get a part time job and I have to be home in the evenings and on the weekend. I have to inform her where I am going and when I will go."

You are 23, how is she going to stop you?

sofiaparker · 23/10/2023 18:18

If I disobey her I will be out forever. And it is hard to think about losing a family. I literally have noone else

OP posts:
xaviersxavier · 23/10/2023 18:31

No OP, this isn't a normal relationship at all. It sounds very controlling and very unhealthy.

Do you have a picture of what the future could look like after Uni? Are you planning on looking for a job? I think you need to start planning for that urgently and as soon as you have a job, move on out. Obviously if you're struggling with MH, that can seem like a scary prospect but staying in this situation is even scarier!

Is there a counsellor or some kind of pastoral support/lead at uni? Why not start there and have a confidential chat with someone. They might be able to refer you to an agency who can help.

Lavenderosa · 23/10/2023 18:32

What are your plans when you finish Uni - presumably next May/June? Do you intend to get a job and move out? If yes, do you think your mother will cut you off forever for disobeying her?

sofiaparker · 23/10/2023 18:44

The end goal is to get a job. But my mother just doesn't seem to understand that she has created such an unhealthy environment for me. Even she wants me to succeed and get a job after uni, but I don't see that happening, as my mental health is getting worse, and I am not able to concentrate on my studies due to my current situation. But yes even in the future if I get a job moving out would be best, because she will find another way to continue being toxic to me.

OP posts:
Lavenderosa · 23/10/2023 19:09

I think you should take the advice of a previous poster who suggested finding counselling support via your Uni. If you don't know where to start, go to the student union and ask there. Are you an only child? Do you have any aunts/uncles who you could confide in?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page