What to say/not to say to someone with MH problems

[Ferguson0909]

My friends daughter has severe MH problems. She knows that I know about them.
However, I am constantly walking on eggshells worried that I will say the wrong thing.
If she had a broken leg I would say “how is your leg today?” And offer comforting words.
I am at a loss what to say. Do I acknowledge the problem? Ask about it? Ignore it?
Hoping for some advice.

I don't think there is any one-size-fits-all answer to that. It depends entirely on the nature of your relationship with her, the nature of her illness, and her own personality.

The only real way forward would be to ask her.

I would usually acknowledge, especially if the person knows I know. Something like ‘are you doing ok today? Is there anything I can do to help? Happy to chat if you feel like it but no pressure. I just hope you feel better soon’.

If it is appropriate in the context of your relationship then I would ask how your friend is coping/ managing rather than ask directly about her daughter. That gives her the chance to talk about her own feelings about her daughters illness as well as an opportunity to tell you how her daughter is doing if she wants to talk about it.

I guess it just depends on the friendship. Some people don’t want to burden others with their difficulties, others want to keep it private and some it’s all they are able to talk about.

I remember going through something really difficult with a family member and I did not want to talk about it, a friend just brought over a little plant and told me that she was there if ever I did want to talk. At the time it was really supportive to me and it meant a lot.

Instead of saying “how is your leg today” say “how are you today!” Or “how are you doing today!” Or “hope you’re feeling a little better today, how is it going?” That leaves it open to the other person to go into detail if they want or just blandly say “OK thanks” or whatever. It will be clear from her response to that initial question if she wants follow up questions or an in depth chat, some people would, some wouldn’t depending on personality, the relationship and the illness itself.

I will say that I have bipolar disorder and I would always always welcome and deeply appreciate someone making the time and effort to ask after me and show me they care despite it being potentially awkward, even if I don’t make much of a response at the time. So many people just shy away from the whole thing and you can feel as the sufferer that you’re not welcome in society or that people have cut you out of their lives while you’re unwell until you get better sadly.

Being awkward around her will make it worse. Do you normally get on well, are you close to her or do you only know her through her mum?

I'd personally take the approach of just trying to be warm and friendly and light and say/ do things that will build her confidence that you mean genuinely. For example, ah it's nice to see you x, I love that jumper the colour really suits you. Or, oh I love your makeup, you need to give me a lesson in how to do that sometime. Etc etc. You know her so you'll know what types of things you can say.

Just on an aside, when someone is struggling they can find social interaction awkward and intimidating so if you feel awkward around her, it might actually be that you're just reading how she feels herself. So just take a breath and relax, if you're relaxed around her, it will help her relax around you too.

Even just being thoughtful like oh I saw this wee thing and thought x would love it. Doesn't need to be anything big or expensive, just little and thoughtful would be nice in itself. Land over and bring them both a bar of chocolate for example.

Sorry, I completely missed the entire point of your question. Please ignore my response.

@Lavender14 yes! Sometimes the most meaningful statement people have made when I’ve been unwell is to send me small things to cheer me up eg a nice body scrub or a packet of the sweets I like etc or a new book from one of my favourite authors etc. Or cook a meal for you! One of my mum’s friends who I don’t even know at all spent ages cooking up these amazing African stews for me to put in my freezer so I could just defrost and heat one up when I’m struggling so much I can’t cook. They were delicious and it made a huge difference to my everyday well-being. It’s so nice to receive “care packages” when you’re unwell and deeply appreciated.

You really have hit the nail on the head here. It is potentially awkward and I don’t want to shy away from it. But I am so worried about saying the wrong thing.

Why don't you get her a little thoughtful gift - like a couple of face masks or whatever she's into & say "I know you've been having a hard time lately, I thought you could do with a little something. How is it going / I'm always here to support you / happy to listen / something similar. So you just acknowledge that you know she's struggling with her MH so she doesn't have to say it first type thing. My DD has struggled and things like this mean a lot to her even if she doesn't feel able to say much.

@Ferguson0909 honestly I think it’s better to say something than to say nothing! Or make up a small care package if you would rather do that than talk about it.

In my experience at least I can ultimately forgive people occasionally putting their foot in it and saying totally the wrong thing, even if it upsets me at the time, if I know it’s coming from a place of caring and kindness and wanting to be supportive. And still appreciate that they are making an effort to be involved in my life and offer support.

Don’t overthink it and just make the effort to stay connected. Often people struggling with their mental health will be socially very withdrawn but trying to maintain social connections while they are unwell is a positive and kind thing.

I have a relative like that and I got fed up with having to watch my ps,and q's She has,been good to me in the past so not all bad but once you have done what you can and it is not good enough then you need to think about yourself

@Muddle2000 lucky life’s all about you and other people don’t have feelings! How dare someone’s illness inconvenience your life.

I have an idea for you, so you don’t have to hear about others issues perhaps you could leave the mental health posts and instead stay focused on the ‘selfish prick’ posts?

Sorry to rise to that post by Muddle2000 but really - what a horrible person!

Don't overthink it OP @Ferguson0909 . You can ask her how she’s doing or a question about something specific in her life. Don’t be afraid to just start talking normally and tell her about a couple of minor things happening in your world to just ease into normal conversation.

The worst is when people bring stuff up at inappropriate times E.g in a room full of others. Or if they start to ask stuff when they have no relationship with the person.

A little plant or bringing over a book or couple of magazines you’ve finished with - things like that are lovely gestures.

I find it helps if people who know I've been struggling at that time with MH if they just say, 'if I can help please say'. Little care packages or just a nice mug with a selection of tea and biccies with a hug can be reassuring. If I'm well enough to get out the house it feels so supportive to know people are being kind. Often it's the utter shame that accompanies MH illness that causes people to mask which just worsens the illness. Few questions is helpful as that creates a demand to explain or verbalise. A friend has left a cooked meal on my doorstep which was one of the nicest most comforting acts ever.

This sounds very, very specific to whatever your situation is @Muddle2000 and not really good generic advice for op who is wanting to make an effort and show compassion. Empathy is generally advised and not measuring someone by how much they do for you... obviously anyone can step back when things are too much but there's ways to do that gently as well.