Misrepresented sex as rape, caused loads of trouble

[WellIdontknowwhattocallmyself]

I’m 19 and have a DD who’s 4 and because of the situation social services have been contacted.
I agreed to have have exclusive dates with and have sex with someone I had feelings for, but didn’t really know. We met online and I was surprised it became a reality. It felt unreal. I’ve made a post about him before and I discovered photos of other women on his ipad, particularly a seductive one, he was going to meet her before we got together but decided not to for some reason? It just bothered me they were still in contact and still are as they were online friends for years. He said he never felt anything sexual towards her, not sure I believe that; But he also assured me he chose me, which I could accept.
Any way, here’s the situation. We spent time with each other, but when it came to the sex, I nervously hid behind my hands and said I was scared. I remember he was spreading my legs and taking my pants off.
When I spoke to him about it, he said it was because we hadn’t had sex with each other before that I was nervous and he went ahead with it because I had agreed to it and I hadn’t physically got up to stop it or made it clear that I didn’t want it. as in he was just seeing it that I was nervous, and then I didn’t say or show that I didn’t want the sex as it was on going on.
which is a a very reasonable explanation
I told someone I wasn’t sure wether or not I was raped, they suggested I phone the GP for an appointment to check for potential STDs (and luckily he doesn’t have them) they have documented what happened incase I ever want to get police involvement, I also phoned rape crisis, because I was all over the place with figuring out my emotions and thoughts about the person and the situation. But I have a processing disorder, pre existing mental health issues,and autism and suddenly having had him in my house, a disruption to my routine, meeting someone; a new relationship as I hadn’t had one in years, were big changes for me that were bound to impact me, I had a lot to figure out and process so my problems with sleep and stress werent indicators that I was raped, but probably because I’m autistic.
I just deeply regret having had sex with someone I didn’t know and wasn’t in a serious relationship with, because to me it’s a very meaningful experience.
Because I misrepresented the situation, I’m being pressured by everyone, the GP, rape crises; everyone, towards revealing his identity and reporting him and stopping him from coming back to see me ever again. They don’t currently know who he is but If I choose to see him again, because of my autism which makes me vulnerable, action against him will be perused wether I want it or not!
It all feels very intense. I don’t know how I can go back and explain that I misrepresented the situation in case it seems like he’s putting these ideas in my head. I simply needed longer to process the situation.
From what I know, he dresses well, presents himself well, and I enjoyed his company. And I will miss the idea of what could have been. But I’ve ruined everything now.
I don’t wish him any trouble or harm, if people are so against us giving it a go, I at least want to put it all in the past.
I’m not sure a relationship will work because of my mental health issues, but I realised that isn’t really a reason, and it doesn’t mean I didn’t want to try.
ideally we’d take it slower this time and get to know each other as we should have been doing in the first place
I know from experience that talking about things doesn’t help me, and has the opposite effect. I find it very mentally taxing, and don’t want to be suddenly contacted about it by anyone in the future.

So you froze in fear and he had sex with you anyway because you’d agreed to do it at some point in the past? That’s not consent. You don’t have to call it rape if you don’t want to but based on the few details you’ve shared it does sound like that’s what happened to you. You don’t have to report him - but he is not a good man and seeing him again would be a bad idea. Definitely not relationship material

You were clearly uncomfortable and not ready to have sex and he did it anyway. That is rape. Freeze is a very normal reaction in that situation and nobody should try to have sex with someone who is clearly not enjoying it. This is not a nice man. Look after yourself

consent has to be positive, so you didn’t give consent so it wasn’t consensual sex. You were not a willing and enthusiastic participant.

We cannot determine what happened precisely from your post. You would probably benefit from talking to a counsellor in order to fully understand your emotions. Being upset about having sex with someone you barely know is ok, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you were raped though.
You do sound young and vulnerable, but no one will force you to pursue charges against this men, and if you decide not to take it further nothing will happen. Whomever you spoke to about him has given you incorrect advice.

when it came to the sex, I nervously hid behind my hands and said I was scared. I remember he was spreading my legs and taking my pants off

You aren't misrepresenting anything. This was rape.

Have you seen the video about tea and consent? It might help you to understand that you did not give your consent to have sex at that moment.

Tea and consent

Absolutely agree with this!

It sounds as though you're in a stage of trying to protect yourself from what you've experienced, by accusing yourself of "misrepresenting" the situation. This is quite common in individuals who have experienced this sort of sexual assault/coercion/rape, you try to make sense of it and erase what happened by placing some sort of blame on yourself. In this case you're blaming yourself for exaggerating the sexual assault.
Also the want to continue some kind of relationship with the offender is very common, again this is so you can regain some kind of control over the situation, or to play the situation down in your own mind. It's all about self protection, if you can pretend this wasn't rape (by continuing a relationship with this person) then you don't have to deal with the aftermath of trying to deal with the trauma.

OP, this was not your fault. You are a victim. And however you need to deal with the assault is up to you. It took me 10 years to admit to myself that I was raped. You will process this in your own way, but please don't feel like like you are exasperating or exaggerating the assault that has happened to you. ❤️

You hid behind your hands, you were passive, you said you were scared. That's 3 no's right there.

You have the right to change your mind at any point.

If a person wants to have sex with you, you don't have to manhandle their body into position or undress them, they will be a willing participant.

"I carried on because you didn't say not to" is no defence.

You haven't misrepresented anything. You didn't want to have sex. He thought you did because you agreed to it before you met, more fool him. If we're being generous we could say he possibly didn't mean you any harm, but he certainly doesn't understand what consent is. His thoughts or opinions on the matter doesn't change the reality of what happened.

I've thought about this more and the thing is OP, rapists and other types of abusers never believe that's what they are. They always believe their actions are justified. His explanation of why it wasn't rape wasn't reasonable, it was gaslighting bullshit to make you doubt yourself and sadly it seems to have worked. Gaslighting is emotional abuse.

It's not ok if he doesn't understand consent. As an adult having sex he should make it his business to fully understand consent. He can't say "it's not my fault, I didn't know". It's nobody else's fault but his.

You don't have to report him to police, that's your decision.

Others saying they'll take action if you try to enter into some kind of relationship with him is them doing their job. This is what effective safeguarding of a vulnerable adult looks like.

You can disclose his identity to these people without disclosing it to police. You should disclose his identity to them. It helps them do their job of protecting you and it potentially helps others if anyone else raises concerns about this man in the future ie if he does it again, which he will if he doesn't understand/care about consent. He has probably done it before too.

At this point in time all you know about him is he meets women online for sex. He's a rapist. He dishes out emotional abuse. How he dresses or presents is irrelevant here, it doesn't override the bad things he's done. He's not someone you (or anyone!) should be having a relationship with. Everyone should only have relationships (even casual ones) with decent people. You initially agreed to have sex with him, met him and invited him into your home - which turned out to be a mistake. That doesn't mean it was your fault you got raped.

There's nothing wrong with your initial processing of the events. Don't tie yourself in knots trying to gaslight yourself into believing he's right. It's better to face the truth and work through it, even if you decide to do that alone. Buried things in our heads can come back to haunt us later on.

To be honest this doesn't sound like a truly consensual situation and I think your feelings about it are valid. You definitely were not enthusiastically consenting and he should have stopped. Its plausible he doesn't understand the difference between a lack of a no and an enthusiastic consent but that's no excuse.

I think your feelings are valid and you should stop gasslighting yourself by telling yourself you have mis represented the situation. You felt raped because you didn't consent and you didn't want to have sex with him not because you regret it.

I wouldn't report it. It think it'll be traumatic for you without a good outcome as unfortunately many jurors see consent like this man :( but I think you very much need to cut this man out of your life completely and give yourself some space and kindness to heal.