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OCD and intrusive thoughts on paternity

6 replies

Lafrost27 · 17/10/2023 18:59

Hey all,

Hoping for some advice as I know a few people in this forum have been through similar... I found out I was pregnant back in early June which was a bit sudden, but not completely unexpected as my husband and I had been talking about it and weren't using contraception. I have in the past struggled with OCD and anxiety around guilt/truth telling and fear of cheating and not remembering or blanking out the memory, but have been successfully controlling it for around 10 years.
A week or so after finding out I was pregnant, a thought popped into my head 'what if baby isn't my husbands'. The only time my mind could attach this intrusive thought to was a work dinner where everyone had a lot of wine and my two female work friends and I travelled back to our hotel, chatted to some random people outside and then went up to bed (I shared a room with one of them). Despite them reassuring me that of course nothing happened and I was with them the whole time (I love my husband very much and cheating is not only ridiculous to me, but also out of the question because of my long standing OCD around guilt and truth telling), I'm convinced that something happened and I've just blocked out the memory, basically that I disappeared from my friends and slept with someone and both them and I don't remember it, or that I randomly slept with someone in the restaurant toilet and can't remember it. Despite the dates being about 3 weeks out (26 weeks pregnant and the work dinner was 22/23 weeks ago), I still cannot seem to rationalise this train of thought as an intrusive thought, and an convinced that my dates are wrong. And even though I remember most details of the evening with only a few hazy parts towards bed, I have gone down such a spiral of anxiety and obsessive thoughts that it's beginning to affect my health and causing me so much distress :(

I asked for a referral to the perinatal mental health unit a few weeks ago which was declined due to apparently not being severe enough, because apparently the team focus now on post natal depression and psychosis. Today the doctor told me they were unlikely to put me on medication to help due to lack of research around harming the baby. With these two options gone, italk therapy or paying private is all that's left and even the doctor said that italk might not give me actionable outcomes.

I'm really struggling to comprehend how I can manage another 14 weeks of feeling like this, let alone bring my daughter into the world, and what will help me; I've even contemplated a prenatal paternity test cost hundreds of pounds but backtrack when my OCD kicks in and I think of the implications of the baby not being my husband's and feeling like I've ruined our lives and everyone will hate me.

I'm really hoping anyone can give any advice that might have helped them, or just some reassurance there is light at the end of the tunnel.

OP posts:
Runforyourliiife · 17/10/2023 20:20
  1. sertraline is perfectly safe during pregnancy. Go back to your GP and demand it.
  2. a paternity test won’t put your mind to rest because this is OCD. You’ll find a loophole.
  3. if you can afford private therapy, look into ERP/acceptance CBT All the best of luck
aletterfromseneca · 18/10/2023 10:24

False memories and fear that you have "blocked something out" are pretty common in OCD. I'd really reccomend first seeing your GP, but then also considering an OCD support group. OCD Action run at least on perinatal one for expecting and new mothers.

I'd agree that taking the actual test won't settle it. Seeking reassurance is another compulsion. It seems hard, but the advice is to try and not give into it. Your brain will find a new thing to worry about.

https://ocdaction.org.uk/online-support-groups/

Support Groups - OCD Action

OCD Action run a range of Skype / Phone support groups which provide an informal and supportive environment to share experiences and to offer encouragement to each other.

https://ocdaction.org.uk/online-support-groups

Ilovedogs1 · 22/10/2023 09:49

@Lafrost27 . I've had OCD for over 30 years and I've experienced many intrusive thoughts including what you are experiencing. I've always found that deep down you know this is your mind playing tricks on you. Also I understand the need to analyse things and the fear that you feel but this approach never works.
As hard as it is I've found the exposure response prevention route to be the most effective. I am on medication but after many years I really think behavioural modification is the way to go.
The following I have found helpful and may help you.

Article by Diana Wilson, if you google Diana Wilson/Daily mail/OCD.

Bryony Gordon. She is a journalist who has had OCD most of her life, including the paternity fear. Her book Mad Girl is amazing.

Shannon Shy. Another fellow sufferer. He has written some books on OCD and has a great Facebook page.

It's amazing how when your open with others how many people actually have intrusive thoughts.
A psychologist I was seeing once said to me ' don't analyse the past, you know what you are doing at the time'.
Easier said than done I know but what I took from this was if you are worrying about stuff a day/ week/months after its OCD because if it were real you would have thought about it at the time.
Unfortunately no magic answer, I still struggle on and off with intrusive thoughts, you just need to manage it.
OCD is a horrible illness but I think people who suffer from it are incredibly kind and compassionate otherwise you wouldn't give a toss. Sending love. X

Treebark · 22/10/2023 09:58

Are there other GPs at the practice? You need someone to take you seriously. This link may help - it's not uncommon for OCD to kick into overdrive during pregnancy. You may need to reference the <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg192/resources/mental-health-in-pregnancy-and-the-year-after-giving-birth-250640652229&ved=2ahUKEwiBlOO4pImCAxWfS0EAHUDhCH4QFnoECBkQAQ&usg=AOvVaw2O6U7-7roCaXb27K3BGTsQ" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">NICE guidelines for mental health in pregnancy

Have you confided in your husband? Can he help advocate for you - perinatal services can't just say "this isn't the kind of mental illness that we support" ffs. It's literally spelt out in the NICE guidelines above.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg192/resources/mental-health-in-pregnancy-and-the-year-after-giving-birth-250640652229&ved=2ahUKEwiBlOO4pImCAxWfS0EAHUDhCH4QFnoECBkQAQ&usg=AOvVaw2O6U7-7roCaXb27K3BGTsQ

Treebark · 22/10/2023 10:01

Sorry, I messed up the clicky link, but there's two blue links to click on in my post, both giving information

Mammyontheedge · 22/10/2023 10:02

Speak to your health visitor. Do not underplay the severity of your thoughts. Ask HV to make a referral as well and also to write to your GP. Your GP can also refer you to perinatal. This sounds like something which could become more serious if it spirals. Maternal OCD is well known as a serious illness. You have been fobbed off by your GP when you should be entitled to support. Also you can self refer to IAPT. You are in a priority group for accessing mental health services for a very good reason. I'm sorry it's such a fight but it is worth it to get the support

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