Sexual abuse trigger warning

[Pollypocket22]

I have namechanged for this post. I am sorry for this very long post. I don't really know how to start this as I cant seem to get my thoughts right and feeling very very anxious as i have never shared this with anyone online or in person.

Basically I am aware that my older brother sexually abused my younger cousin and have never shared it with anyone. I can remember it very vividly. We were at home, my cousins were over often. My younger cousin walked out of one of the bedrooms whilst I was in the hallway and said "x asked me to touch his penis". I was around 9 or 10 making my cousin around 7 or 8 and my brother 12. I was in shock and never told anyone.

This has been silently eating me up inside. I haven't shared this with anyone but came very close to telling my partner. There is more history of sexual abuse by an older male cousin towards my older sister also.

I have distanced myself from my brother becasue of this and dont feel comfortable with him around my daughters. To be honest he has often made me feel uncomfortable through the years invading my personal space and my privacy. He gives me the creeps. This has all been triggered by the fact that my family have been praising him heavily over this spiritual work he is doing.

I don't think I can share this with a counsellor as I believe they would be obliged to report. My cousin has never spoken to me about it. I have never confronted.my brother about it.

I feel like im on the verge of a panic attack thinking about all of it. How I let my cousin down by not saying something. I want to speak to my older sister (who was abused by older cousin) about it as we are very close but I don't know how she would take it.

I feel like I can't keep carrying this around without sharing with someone. It makes me feel sick. Please any advice.

Hi Op,

Sorry this is eating you up. Had your brother hit puberty?

Children do experiment as they start to experience sexual feelings etc. The old ‘playing Doctors & nurses’ if the kids are similar in age then it’s not considered abuse. In your case your brother was obviously older than your cousin by quite a bit which obviously makes it a bit worse.

Have you spoken to your cousin about it? If he just asked her too and that was the end of it then perhaps it’s not as bad as you think. Just trying to calm you a bit as I understand it’s natural to panic a bit especially if your brother is a bit odd now.

It does feel strange another cousin also sexually abused your sister though. Could there be more going on with one of the adults or what your cousin & brother might have been being exposed to?

One way to relieve your guilt would be to tell the police, and leave it up to them to decide.

Reported

Seems like you're more worried in general about what else he might have done? I must admit I'd struggle to see a 12 year old experimenting as sexual abuse, but it's very strange for him to have asked such a young girl. I can see why it gives you the creeps, but if it was me I'd get some counselling to handle my feelings about it, rather than report. Then again don't ask me, I probably wouldn't report frigging Weinstein!😔