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Original poster

BPD/CPTSD aunt is soooo hard to cope with - please help!

4 replies

bessieandbob · 12/10/2023 15:06

My aunt is in her early 50s (i'm 39) and we recently reconnected after 20 years. When i was a teen I really got on with her and she was 'normal'. Since reconnecting she has told me she has BPD and CPTSD and I really wanted to help and be in her life. Six months on and i'm struggling to handle the relationship. She says things to me then denies saying them, we get on well then she blocks me for trivial or unknown reasons. She constantly changes her mind with everything and wants help such as changing her rooms around that involves drilling, filling walls and moving furniture around. She is never satisfied.I am an advocate for her benefits as she isn't allowed to phone up etc due to lacking capacity. She keeps changing her name on there and other places to the point where I don't know what name she is going by. I help with her post and saw a new passport in yet another name that is costing money all the time. She just expects me and her boyfriend to deal with all this but I honestly can't. She's not the same woman I knew before. Trying to discuss it results in me being blocked or her saying she can't help it. She needs a carer but social services can't help anymore either. There are so many other difficulties but not enough time or room to post here. What do I do? When she's ok we get on great and she's a fantastic aunt but all the change is affecting me.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 12/10/2023 15:17

Sorry to hear. I think you need rock solid boundaries to make sure her conditions don't negatively impact you. Put your own oxygen mask on first, as they say.

pinguins · 12/10/2023 15:24

Drop the rope. She will latch onto someone else to do all this running around after her. You don't matter to her unless you're doing what she wants and she will never be grateful/satisfied even if she says those words. She's latched onto you because you're willing to do all this stuff.

No relationship with someone with BPD is two-sided unless the person with BPD is getting (or has had) treatment approved under NICE guidelines such as DBT. The condition is very treatable but most people don't get treatment and just live like this, it is exhausting to be around them and most people just get tired of the constant theatrical show revolving around one person all the time and when people get tired and leave, it feeds into the "I've been so wronged/everyone abandons me" aspect of the show.

Every week will be another drama. They dine out on it. She also almost certainly doesn't lack capacity to deal with people like the DWP. People who genuinely lack capacity have a care package and a care co-ordinator, usually some sort of treatment team for a treatable condition like BPD, and a PoA if they're in the community, and if they have high care needs/risk factors, they might go into supported living or hospital. She simply doesn't have to make any effort to deal with people (or life) until you stop doing it all for her at which point she will cope fine, just like she did before you arrived.

KeepTheTempo · 12/10/2023 15:25

What was she doing in the intervening 20 years?

Did she reconnect with you to get herself a new 'carer' after burning through the last one(s) or has she been doing okayish but is now putting it all on you?

Agree you need to set boundaries and lean more on social services.

Original poster
bessieandbob · 12/10/2023 15:33

pinguins · 12/10/2023 15:24

Drop the rope. She will latch onto someone else to do all this running around after her. You don't matter to her unless you're doing what she wants and she will never be grateful/satisfied even if she says those words. She's latched onto you because you're willing to do all this stuff.

No relationship with someone with BPD is two-sided unless the person with BPD is getting (or has had) treatment approved under NICE guidelines such as DBT. The condition is very treatable but most people don't get treatment and just live like this, it is exhausting to be around them and most people just get tired of the constant theatrical show revolving around one person all the time and when people get tired and leave, it feeds into the "I've been so wronged/everyone abandons me" aspect of the show.

Every week will be another drama. They dine out on it. She also almost certainly doesn't lack capacity to deal with people like the DWP. People who genuinely lack capacity have a care package and a care co-ordinator, usually some sort of treatment team for a treatable condition like BPD, and a PoA if they're in the community, and if they have high care needs/risk factors, they might go into supported living or hospital. She simply doesn't have to make any effort to deal with people (or life) until you stop doing it all for her at which point she will cope fine, just like she did before you arrived.

Edited

She wasn't coping though and got into a mess with her life before her boyfriend. I think you are being really unfair. The diagnoses state that she lacks capacity and as such its the DWP that asked for an advocate. You sound a really harsh person with no understanding of people's problems to think that she would cope fine if everyone abandoned her! She wouldn't.

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