I need to say I have no insurance or money I don’t get paid enough for any Therapy or medication. I have been in therapy before while I was in Medicaid but I no longer qualify for it so I no longer have any medication as well as therapy( even though my therapist had refused to see me) I do not think I deserve any help but I know I need it and I’m willing to go to the worst place if it means I can find help. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder as well as depression, anxiety, and adhd. I have not told any professionals I don’t feel human as that will land me in the hospital I cannot afford that nor will I ever go back to the hospital. I am 19 and extremely lost my only supporters are my significant other and my mom. It still feels like I can’t find anything that isn’t under a hundred dollars. I can’t afford that even if I want to,
I understand that it’s just a job for most people but I also want to believe that there is a sliver of any hope. While being off medication for 3 months now my emotions (that I could barely feel to begin with) have almost completely left I feel numb the pain I get from scratches don’t hurt and if this continues I believe I’ll relapse with drugs and alcohol. I have been sober for 6 months I would like to keep it that way but I cannot control much of what I do anymore. I have slept for 3 days straight only eating once. I know this should be my punishment for being inhuman but I do not deserve to be left alone like i used to be. Fear has been an emotion I could grasp very early and being alone scares me. I’m probably just paranoid but all of my hallucinations and voices have only gotten louder they are restless and want to escape and I’m scared that if I let them I’ll disappear and be nothing more than the vessel they wanted.