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Mental health

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Original poster

Bonding problem

9 replies

fuzzyfelt · 17/12/2004 11:52

Hi. New here. Just going to unload here if no-one minds! Do you think that this is depression?

I have 2 DDs. With the first one I had a lovely pregnancy and she has been the light of my life since the day she was born. I couldn't wait to have another and duly got preg. Unfortunatley, I had to have an amnio during this preg. as I had a bad nuchal result. During the few weeks between the nuchal and the amnio I feel that I disconnected from the baby as I came to the conclusion (very reluctantly) that if the amnio showed a major disability, I would terminate. I have continuously beat myself up about this ever since. Anyway, the result was fine but I never felt the same about my preg. after that. Thought it would be OK when the babe was born as I would fall in love, like I did the first time. Unfortunately, six months after her birth, I still haven't bonded with her. I have put this down to the preg, as described, together with major sleep deprivation and the fact that she is a very demanding baby. Things are more settled now, but I feel the damage has been done. What can I do to remedy the situation? I feel really bad about the lack of love I feel for my baby but I just can't conjure it up. Sorry to go on but would be interested to hear if anyone has had a similar experience.

OP posts:

spacedonkey · 17/12/2004 11:54

this must be awful for you fuzzyfelt

sorry i have no advice, but wanted to say welcome to mumsnet - i'm sure someone will be along soon with good advice X

coppertop · 17/12/2004 12:15

Another welcome from me too.

Sorry I have no advice but hopefully someone will be along soon. xxx

Christmaslistmaker · 17/12/2004 12:19

Welcome Fuzzyfelt (like your name!). No experience of anything like this but hope it gets better soon. Have you thought of talking to HV or GP?

Hope someone comes along soon with good advice.

WigWamBam · 17/12/2004 18:19

I don't really have any advice, because I haven't been in exactly the same position as you, but I certainly didn't love my daughter as soon as she was born - I would never have hurt her, and would have walked over hot coals to prevent anyone else from hurting her, but I didn't love her. That came much later, it was certainly longer than six months. You can't conjure the love up out of nowhere, but certainly I found that as I got to know and appreciate her, the love did come.

It is possible that it's depression, although it could simply be that you're stressed out due to sleep deprivation and a demanding baby. If you have a sympathetic HV, have a chat with her and see what she recommends.

spacedonkey · 17/12/2004 18:22

the only thought that comes to me on this is that somehow you need to find a way to forgive yourself (about your decision to terminate if the amnio showed major disability). It sounds like you're eaten up with guilt, and you shouldn't be, you really shouldn't. Be kind to yourself.

aloha · 17/12/2004 18:44

How sad for you. Agree you should forgive yourself for your decision over the amnio. That's what the procedure is for. You aren't a bad person at all for thinking the way you did. Do you think you might be depressed and would benefit from talking to someone. Also maybe try to find a way to connect with your daughter - baby massage or something? Also, you could try controlled crying around now - lack of sleep can do funny things to your brain. If you could sort your sleep out you might feel very differently.

Original poster

fuzzyfelt · 18/12/2004 13:22

Hi, Thanks everyone for your welcome and kind words. I feel better actually for just writing down how I feel and acknowledging it, rather than just telling myself that all will be OK when I get some sleep. I have just changed doctors so will see my new HV next week and will talk to her. Despite 'knowing' the reasons I feel like this (lack of sleep etc) I feel sure that there is more to it than that. I just feel so opposite to how I felt with DD1.

OP posts:

Original poster

fuzzyfelt · 18/12/2004 13:35

Forgot to say thanks Wigwambam for your words too - it's reassuring to hear that it did come!

OP posts:

ZCMUM · 18/12/2004 13:42

Hi, sorry to hear your feeling this way, I felt that I did not bond well with my second child after the birth a.because I breastfed the 1st and didn't with the 2nd. Also had guilt issues which I don't really want to mention, but I went to see my GP about it and burst out in tears in the room! I was diagnosed as having mild PND and Anxiety, I was given AD and after a couple of weeks I felt a big shift in my feelings for my DD, now I love her to bits and we have a v.healthy loving bond, I'd advise you to talk to your GP or HV about this, don't worry, I'm sure you and your DD2 will have a brill relationship HTH

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