Struggling With Regrets

[Unex]

I've got several HUGE things going on at the moment
Lots of decisions to make, and to make some sort of plan
Whenever I try to do this, I just keep thinking of how I've got other decisions wrong, or how I've got myself into this situation
Some of the decisions I KNEW were wrong at the time, but I just went along with STBXDH said
Other decisions were me not prioritising the correct things
Some of these have had pretty awful consequences
Im struggling because I can't let go of these wrong decisions

Think about the decisions you made and what you've learned from them. It won't resolve the fact your decisions last time didnt turn out quite the way you wanted but at least you can work on what happened and the reason for your decision, then use that to guide you in the future.

the one you mention that you went along with your ex's decision, well that's a lesson in itself. Don't just go along with decisions of others that affect your life. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, listen! It's invariable wrong if your instincts are screaming.

if you're a people pleaser who tends to decide based on what others want, try doing what you want.

@daisychain01
You are correct
I'm becoming to realise I'm a people pleaser
Also doing what STBXDH said is a lifetime of regrets
I guess it's tricky to move on when I "should " be in a very different situation to where I am now, and there's NO possibility of me being able to make up lost ground

Oh OP, I have so much empathy. Regret could be my middle name!
I would say that guilt and regret are my biggest sources of suffering. My current struggles are triggered by regret.
The only thing that really helps me is knowing that none of this lasts forever. The phrase 'this too shall pass' really soothes me.

Agreed you won't be able to turn back the clock and make up lost time, but I struggle to believe there is nothing you can do to move forward from this.

unfortunately it's hard to give anything more than vague comments as there isn't enough to go on, but you could start making yourself some short term and longer term goal to mentally move on one step at a time.

Well there's nothing you can do about what's happened. Just don't make the same mistakes.

I sympathise, OP. I'm great at endlessly beating myself up for past decisions.

What can help is to try to turn your past into a narrative, not just of events but also the reasons why you did or didn't do certain things. You've already mentioned an ex who liked matters his own way, so the pressure you felt from him would in those instances be the main reason.

Doing this can help you forgive yourself for "allowing" certain things to happen, as it gives perspective and an overview of events. It's not necessary to write anything down, although seeing your "story" in black and white may help you draw a line under things.

As for not being where you "should" be in life, again you have good reasons for why that is. On paper I "should" have carried on formal education to a higher level, should have built a successful career, should have a nicer home etc, because in theory I was deemed to be capable of all that. But I'm me and a lifetime of various mental health problems amongst other things has meant I didn't achieve those things, and it doesn't matter. What I have achieved is self-knowledge and strength to keep going although I still find life hard.

I hope you're able to find some peace of mind.

Thank you @TreesAtSea
Yes, being too blind to see an obviously abusive relationship is the biggest regret
There were plenty of times I thought "wait a minute this isn't right", but just kept taking the abuse
And now I'm paying the price
And so are my teens

WTAF was I thinking?
And now all my decisions aren't "the best thing to do ", there're "making the best of catastrophic, idiotic situation I've got myself into.

Oh OP, I am sorry you're in such torment. I was in an abusive relationship too for a very long time, but thankfully we never lived together and had no children together.

Your experiences sound much more serious and of course you're concerned about the effects on your children. I also often knew at the time that what was happening was wrong, but I didn't know how to stand up for myself or stop things (largely owing to my upbringing). However the only person that suffered was me.

Please try to reframe it so that the blame lies where it belongs - with the abuser. You did the best you could. Are there people you can talk to in real life about how you feel? Are you having counselling and getting any practical support due to you?

Do take care.

Actually @TreesAtSea you've been so very helpful
I didn't set out to keep my children in an abusive relationship, I was trying to keep my family together
I was wrong, but I was also in some kind of fog I think
The other decisions largely made with imperfection information were, tho wrong we're done with the best of intentions
I don't think anyone could honestly have foreseen what's happened

I'll try to keep these things in mind

I'm going to sink otherwise

Thank you xxx