Overwhelmed.

[MagnificentMeg]

I'm a mum of 2 with a Husband who I love. Eldest is 9yrs, youngest is 2yrs. I WFH and Im doing a management training course alongside my actual work role which is very stressful - But I've been wanting to get on the course for a looong time, so when they offered it to me I felt like I couldn't say no to the opportunity.
Im constantly tired, throughout the working day Im giving all of myself to my work, my colleagues and this course whilst also trying to look after my 2 yr old in the background (childcare is out of the question due to the sheer amount of the cost) So im having meetings with the Team whilst off camera im practically changing my 2yo's nappy/feeding/playing in secret whilst on mute.
Husband does school drop offs which helps immensely as I dont drive but he does.
Once I finish work at 4pm, I clean up, do the washing up, maybe go food shopping, make tea, bath both kids and my husband finishes work at 7:15pm and tea is made on time for him finishing every night. (He works 10:30am - 7:15pm Mon-Thurs and brings in most of the household money)
He's a very loving and affectionate Husband and needs affection reciprocated - As do we all. But once I sit down at 8pm I am drained - No energy for sex. No patience for jokes. Im completely spent and theres nothing left for him after my day. He's picked up on this and frequently points out -
How long its been since we last had sex (maybe 4 times a month?)
How Ive teased him all day by giving him affection - That he asks for - But then I "blue ball" him by being too tired.
How long its been since I dressed up in lingerie or did my make up.

If I do give him a kiss he usually says something smarmy like "oh I get a kiss off the wife, what have I done to deserve this?" I smile and half laugh because I dont have it in me to say anything. Which in turn just piles on the guilt and pressure to just give him what he wants without me really enjoying it. If I do succumb to the tiredness and go to bed early he rolls his eyes, says goodnight but has a tone that screams "guess no sex again tonight." Making me feel guilty.

Oh and on top of all that, Im suffering with an abnormal pain in my lower right abdomen which also puts me off having sex. Drs dont know what it is so im just stuck between -
Stressful job.
WFH with a 2yr old.
All the household chores.
Extreme tiredness.
Needy Husband.
Abdominal pain that could be slowly killing me.

I dont know how long I can keep this up. How do I continue to juggle being a "perfect" everything for everyone??

You don't have a MH problem, you have a DH problem. Maybe if he washed up, did the food shopping, cleaned the house, bathed the kids and made the tea you wouldn't be as shattered. Just a thought.

He needs to pull his weight more! What does he do on Friday?

Unfortunately, childcare is expensive. You cannot work full time whilst looking after a child. It may mean you need to get into debt for a couple of years, but that's the root of your problems.

If you carry on as you are, you will make yourself unwell. Either physically, mentally, or both.
You need to explain to DH that you’re his wife / partner and not his mother.
Tell him you find someone else taking care of you for a change ‘sexy’.
Does he pull his weight Friday Saturday and Sunday?

Thank you for your messages.
DH does pull his weight on Fridays and weekends. He cooks on those days and helps me clean the house & with the kids. Takes us places in the car if we want a family day out etc.
Its just over the week days that he can't help due to work.
I have spoken to him about my stress and exhaustion levels. His point if view is that I should just leave the cleaning, tidying, laundry etc for the weekend when he can help out. But I dont feel like I want to do that because I dont want my kids growing up in a pig sty. My 9yo daughter has already commented to her friends over text saying that she doesnt want them to come round because the house is always dirty, which has broken my heart (read it whilst checking her phone for groomers/viruses whilst she was at school)
I do ask her to help out with the tidying too, but shes just a kid and I don't want her childhood to be A- living in dirt. Or B- tidying and cleaning straight after school.
As for getting into debt just to work/look after my kids - Thats a terrifying thought for me as I've been brought up to never have debts otherwise you'll lose everything.
So right now I have two options -
Carry on as I am until my 2yo is in school in 3 yrs time, I think I am already depressed so hopefully I can survive until then.
Or
Quite literally let the house go into bedlam and only do chores at the weekend when DH can help.

Would a HV be able to get someone in to help with dc2?

I think cutting right back, maybe sell things/jewellery, and get a cleaner would be a good idea. Sell your wedding and engagement rings if you have them 😉

Your dh is an arse. I know what it's like to live in a sexless marriage. Exdh didn't like it. But you are still doing it even if you don't want to which is awful.

Can any friends or family help?

4x a month sounds fine to me.

What’s going on with your budget that childcare is not affordable on 2 incomes? Do you work full-time? Why is your DH only on 4 days?

There's a lot in your post, but the sad thing that stands out here is that you're working and looking after your two year old - that's not fair on them. You don't get this time back. Either put DC into childcare where they are properly looked after or go on leave.

As for the DH and sex, tell him to shut up. If he doesn't like it then he can pull his weight a bit more during the week and fork out for childcare. They're not 2 forever and will be off to nursery shortly.

Thanks @IncognitoMam, HV = Health Visitor? (Not learnt all the lingo on here yet sorry)
I feel like if I cant afford childcare, then I also can't afford a cleaner :( we did sell a lot of stuff when 2yo was born so we're cut back enough - still paying off the wedding rings lol
As for family -
Mum is an abusive alcoholic so shes out of the picture.
Dad is useless and refuses to look after 2yo because he doesnt want to deal with nappies.
Sister is happy to help, but she lives an hour away and doesnt drive so shes only able to help if we can drop/pick up. (Impossible on work days)
DH originally comes from South Wales so his family are no where near us.
We're on our own to be honest.
I find it really hard to make deep connections with people, so I dont have many friends who I feel comfortable enough to help - my fault probably for being closed off.

Aww where do you live I'll come and be a nana 🙂
I've often thought the government should have 'nanas ' not just to help out people like yourself but to be in schools helping dcs who don't have the best home life/lonely etc. Even secondary schools.
I know this would take a lot of organising but there's plenty of women (maybe men?) retired who would help. I would as work pt. I'm DBS checked too.

Oh my goodness. You are doing loads! You are doing so well!

You don't have to do this for 3 more years. You will soon get free hours for your little one, which will help.

Tell your dh that this phase and your feelings are totally normal but it's not forever. 0-3 puts the most strain on parents - especially if one of them is juggling work, training, childcare, and housework. And yy to the person above who said that feeling cared for and looked after is the best aphrodisiac.

And stop cooking his supper before he comes home. Cook together/clean up together once he is back or batch cook at the weekends when he is around and then just defrost it during the day . . .

Best of luck

Have you had any scans?

I'd be a nana too. I was just like you - no local family and it makes such a difference.

Could you pay a local teenager to do an hour's babysitting now n then whilst you catch up on work/have a cuppa/some down time? Any neighbours with teens?

Could you possibly let your sister stay with you for a couple of nights in the week to help you? Or maybe do the course after your little one starts full time school.
You got a lot going on, and it's overwhelming you. You either suffer now and put up with it or let go of some of the burdens that are weighing you down.
I have the same problem with DH I'm always too tired or got some health issues going on and it does cause problems. You see whilst it's the last thing on our mind it's the first on theirs. ... a balance and a good understanding goes a long way...but easier said than done 🤦🏻‍♀️ he seems like a good guy mine is good too earning and helping out when he can. The rest just go with the flow and remember this too shall pass 🙏 hope it gets easier for you ❤️