This is a genuine post - I've been on Mumsnet for years under another name but have made a new account to post this in case I'm outed. Apologies for a long post, I don't know why I'm really writing it other than to get it off my chest a little. As the title says, how do I possibly go on anymore when I'm not sure I even want to... I'm aware of how awful that sounds but my brain is just not functioning the right way atm. I've got 4 children - all young with approx 2yrs between them; my youngest not being 3 months old yet. I have a partner and I'm a SAHM. What should be one of the best periods of my life, especially since having my baby recently has turned into being the most unhappiest I've ever felt. I wake up every day fighting the will to want to be here anymore. I'm trying my best, for everyone, I put a smile on face everyday - on the school run, to my neighbours, to my friends, my family; everyone I come into contact with thinks I'm this laid back, happy Mum but it couldn't be any further from the truth. I really do feel like I'm failing at everything including failing at being a Mum - it's all I've ever wanted and I can't be the Mum I thought I'd be. I can't say the last year or so has been great for me so maybe everything is just taking its toll now on me. I nearly lost one of my children last summer after a freak accident and had to see things no parent should have to see see including them being resuscitated and worked very hard on. Having to be hours away from home trying to get them better and being away from my other children for weeks. Thankfully they're fine now. But have been diagnosed with autism - this is all still quite new to me but I worry things are going to get hard the older they get. It's not the end of the world ofc and it's makes them so unique but its still tough to have to digest. I feel like the worst person in the world for having to write this next part but I think this is the main reason I'm feeling the way I am. My 3rd child - not in school - is just zapping any bit of happiness I have away from me and taking away all the happiness I'm trying to have and give my other children as well. I know you get tantrums with children but theirs is just something else. They're out of control, day in day out, I hate going out and doing the school run when they're with me because of them being unpredictable and I just don't even know what to do to make this situation better. HV has no concerns - so is it me being incapable of parenting correctly. I've not had this with the eldest two so it's hit me a bit to say the least. My youngest didn't have the best start after being born this summer - I was in and out of hospital with him being unwell, being away from home again and having a slow recovery myself too. As I said, I do have a partner. Things are a bit strained between us. 4 children is very full on so our relationship right now is purely based around them. He does help and do his part so I don't want to be all negative He's on antidepressants, quite newly, due to not coping very well with a change in work and role which isn't what he thought it'd be. I'm not sure which way to put it but he's become quite me, me, me since he's been on them and seems to be using them as an "excuse", maybe, for everything. We're both tired; him from work and an early start with that Mon-Fri, but I also haven't had any more than 3hrs of broken sleep a night in 12w due to BF and a very unsettled baby alongside trying to parent our other 3 children, run a house and everything else that comes in between. I try and support him as best as I can, but it's not that easy when you're also feeling rubbish too. I've really just rambled above and I don't know why. I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm struggling and I just can't see a way out and be happy again. I feel like I've forgotten what that is and just feel empty now and I don't know if I can carry on much longer living like that.