Hi everyone, please be kind as I have tormented myself for the last 5 years.
I met my dp 10 years ago at a young age, from the beginning I started to notice alcohol was a issue for dp, he would get very aggressive smashing things ect. We would fall out and back in again for the first 2 years of the relationship.
21 oct 2017 while out with the girls, i bumped into an old colleague we spoke occasionally on social media now and again. (Nothing sexual)
When the night had gone to a end the old colleague wanted to speak to me in private. I said ok, straight away was being very touchy, I said I didn't want to do anything but he just laughed like It was a joke. He proceeded to help himself. I completely froze I didn't know what to do. Run don't run, I couldn't speak I lt was like I was frozen solid. I had my phone in my hand and remembered looking at the screen and just running.. while this colleague was chasing me calling me a b. & something along the lines of I will ruin your life. I remember getting a ride home calling my friend sobbing. Did I cause this? Why did I not shut him off and walk away soon as it got weird.. I don't know why I didn't and hate myself for it. All I wanted to do was tell my dp but I didn't want him to loose his temper/start drinking I felt like I let this happen. I shouldn't have left my friends.
I live with this everyday. 07.march 2018 I found out I was pregnant with a clear blue showing 2-3 weeks, and had my baby 7 nov 2018.
I have had obsessive thoughts that completely ruin me daily I can't live a normal life without obsessing over dates, scans, but basically I am trying to make myself believe that guy could be my child's father and not my dp. This would mean I was pregnant for over 12 months.. I know what some people may think. But I can't make this stop I had my second child and they look completely different. Second is the spit of my dp.
I love my baby's more than anything but I am worried I am failing them being so stuck in this mental cycle I know they can sense it. I can't clean I can't eat or sleep. I have nightmares and I know if I said anything to dp he would relapse with alcohol. Can someone tell me I am being completely irrational. I have no one to talk to about this. I just want it to stop and enjoy my family that I love dearly. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please be kind.