Am I having a midlife crisis?

[MerryMarigold]

I'm questioning everything at the moment, most notably my faith and my marriage. I feel like the past 20+ years I've been surviving / existing/ plodding along but not really questioning or growing in either my faith or my marriage. My relationship with both has suffered and now I'm full of questions which I can't answer: is God even out there? My whole community/ friendships revolves around my beliefs so if I lose that, I'll lose a lot, but I feel I've been pretending for so long. Is my marriage worth the effort? I haven't even been pretending with that, and the kids notice. We argue loads. The kids make comments (You don't love each other, you're just staying together for us etc. etc.). I'm sure if I heard a man saying these things I'd do an internal eye roll - typical midlife crisis! So self focussed!

I feel utterly lost and yet also finally like I'm facing things. Will this go away if I wait it out? The doctor was not keen on HRT as my periods are totally clockwork so she said I'm still producing oestrogen. Anyone been through this and come out. What did you do? I'm 50. My kids are 14 and 17.

Personally, it sounds like peri menopause. I’d keep a journal of your symptoms. Periods, and how regular they are, has little do with the giving or HRT. It should be based on your symptoms. Depression, anxiety, low mood are all common symptoms if there is a lack of oestrogen.
I found the Davina book helpful, and look up Dr Newson (The Menopause Dr), both are great sources of info.
Take care. X

I think this is a natural and appropriate thing tbh. We lose so much of ourselves in those years, the thirties and early forties, doing what we are supposed to be doing and we then get to a stage where we think, do I LIKE this life? And we are supposed to ask that question and then supposed to make some changes if needs be. I'd roll with it and spice up your life to make sure you get plenty out of it. That may start with a bit of navel gazing as to what it is you actually do want....

Thank you both. Yes, I think we're so busy and lose ourselves with younger kids, house moves, jobs. But also peri symptoms at this age is common. I think I need a better GP. I spoke to this 20-something who basically said, think about whether it's your life causing these symptoms rather than trying HRT. I'm just not sure if it's waking up my Iife being this way which is causing depressive symptoms or hormones making me see everything negatively. I feel angry and totally overwhelmed so much of the time.

What's making you angry? Are you genuinely overwhelmed? These seem like OK things to explore to me...

Everything makes me angry! Dh asking a 'stupid' question (if he thought for a minute he could answer it). Someone cutting j into the traffic jam by taking a abeam shortcut which involves 'pushing in'. Ds raging at Fifa makes me want to rage at him!

I feel overwhelmed by Ds1's A levels which he's finding hard but not really putting the work in. I feel overwhelmed by the house which needs mostly cosmetic work (and a new kitchen) and we haven't touched it for 7 years. Dd (14) won't have anyone round because our house is too awful! I feel overwhelmed by my marriage. We haven't slept in the same room (Dh snores which is a noise I'm particularly sensitive to) for several years. We have sex once a year at best and hug about once every 2 months. I struggle to like him let alone love him. I have a very sick friend who nearly died of Covid and had multiple strokes (she was mid 30s, small kids). She can't speak, walk, feed herself but her brain is very much functioning. I should be grateful for all I have but instead I feel so sad for her. I see her once a week because she needs people. Apart from that, I have drifted from my friends. I had my 50th this year and I couldn't be bothered to celebrate. 2 friends made some effort for me, as did Dh/ pRents/ sister and I had a lovely time. But now I can only feel sad at the people who made no effort to even send a text.

Please find a new gp and try again.

HRT isn't a magic bullet I can't even take it but I regonise your symptoms and current situation and think it's worth exploring.

I'm so sorry life sounds really hard, and your poor friend that's awful.

You sound lovely but just lost and need a big hug.

Thank you...the hug is needed

Hi! I think what you are feeling is quite normal in midlife honestly. It is a moment of reassessment for a lot of women. Definitely go and get your bloods checked out. I had it recently (I am 49) and admittedly my periods are not longer clockwork, but my FSH was high and progesterone low. Oestrogen also a bit low. I started HRT and my anxiety is gone. Other than that maybe you do need a fresh start. Is am remarried for a few years anyway so don’t have that relationship ick. Sending you hugs. Lots of women are in the same position.

Well, most people in the uk don't believe in God so it's not a huge surprise you're questioning your faith.
And sounds like you're in a loveless marriage tbh which is sad. I couldn't live like that.
A comedian recently said you don't get angry in peri menopause; you lose your 'amenable' hormone which has previously made you smile sweetly and go along with things. I think that's very true

Keep in mind that when you look back over the last 20 years you may be re-organising memories in ways that weren’t true for you at the time. I know because I’ve done it.

That's interesting, what do you mean Jasmine?

Can you do these tests on the NHS? I had a blood test in April but it just showed my vit D was a bit low. Did u get the rage whether with relationship or not? Did you have teenagers?

Sorry, I meant did you get the rage with anything, not just relationship.

This makes me so angry! - and I’m on HRT. I’m 44. Luckily, my amazing GP listened to me aged 42 and it has changed my life. You need to speak to another GP. Is there a women’s health specialist at your surgery? After 45, HRT should simply be given if a woman requests it. No blood tests, no opinion needed. I was/am still having regular periods, but the HRT has made a huge difference.

Questioning things is likely a normal rite of passage, and you may be right to question them. But you might do so with better clarity if you start HRT. It might work for you, it might not, but you deserve the opportunity to give it a try.

I feel angry and totally overwhelmed so much of the time.

That's classic perimenopause OP, as are the dissatisfaction, finding your DH annoying, low level anxiety, questioning everything, etc. Get informed about all the many symptoms of impending menopause and then go and see another GP. List all the symptoms you're having and say you'd like to try HRT.

@MerryMarigold I think it’s two things.

1. If we feel a bit depressed, we are in a negative frame of mind. So when we look back to judge how we lived in the past, we can end up highlighting all the examples of how we were stupid, foolish, naive, misguided etc … Because when we are depressed we blame ourselves and tend to forget the positives in our past.
2. Our values change over time. And I think when we look back with an older head at our younger selves, we can sometimes assess our past through the values that we have now. In peri we lose some nurturing hormones. So we might look back at nurturing we did in the past and think we were misguided. When in fact at the time we may have been perfectly happy.

Another way of looking at it is this. You have been very involved in faith. Now you’re not sure about your faith, which may make you wonder about your past. But regardless of what you believe now, you will have made a positive difference to your fellows through the way you related to them. So, even if your faith changes in the future, your past still has worth.

Hi. No I went private. I went to see a specialist menopause doctor. I work fulltime so can afford the blood tests. I may revert back to the NHS once the HRT has settled. Yes I have teenagers - 16 (nearly 17) and 15. Yes I got into rages. Still do sometimes. About feeling like I get little help around the house. But they are studying hard so then I feel guilty. It’s a second marriage too and that hasn’t been easy. I turned to wine to get over the anxiety but the HRT is helping with that.

Going against the grain but I don't think taking HRT (or any other medication for that matter) is going to stop you being aware that your marriage is in name only or railing against your religion for the unfairness of your friend's situation.

@Eyesopenwideawake I don’t think anybody is that literal that they think that! HRT may however help with with the feelings of being overwhelmed and the rage.

I feel utterly lost and yet also finally like I'm facing things. Will this go away if I wait it out?

What do you want to do? Do you want your feelings to 'go away' or do you want to 'face things'? Sometimes we need to make hard decisions or change long held beliefs in order to find the next level of happiness/contentment or a more congruent meaning to life.

Good question. Thank you. I don't want to stop feeling but I do want to stop feeling like this. I want face things and for them to change. But I want to feel capable of change whereas right now I feel like giving up on everything which is more like letting go than facing up to things. The changes required: dealing with my marriage and answering deep questions about my faith, feel beyond me. It involves a lot of effort and I'm so tired.

I'm 53 and have had menopausal anxiety and a lot of what you're experiencing I've had. I'm not on HRT but have upped exercise and quit alcohol and coffee. This has helped mood and energy.

I wonder if your friend's unfortunate health issues have triggered something for you - the precariousness of life etc. I have a faith myself but have found these middle years so difficult mood wise.

Don't talk to me about my house - currently organising a bath Reno having not touched the house in years!

Questioning faith is completely normal though. Only people who are completely naive just carry on believing, without ever questioning things. Faith can often be stronger for coming out the either side of that, if you do.

I've also been thinking about what I'd like to achieve with my remaining years of life. When I look back it's not with rose tinted glasses because I feel like I might have achieved more and been more proactive about things.

Anyway it's a long way of saying I hear you OP. It sounds like we could do with a lot more FUN 💐

I can give my 2c worth of advice. My son said that I haven't supervised him enough during his A-levels. He said I should have asked him about his work done and check that it has been submitted. Not really what was done in each. He said he wishes I did that. I thought this would be pushy. I told him I left him to make his own mistakes.
Looking back I wish I'd done that. He went into his chosen career in Arts and is doing very well. He said if he was to choose non-arty subject he would have struggled to get tgood Uni. So maybe try to incorporate that without being judgmental in the content. I know it's hard and probably you are doing it anyway...
Have you gone to Unis to see if there are courses your 17yo would see themselves in? This would motivate. It worked for both of mine.