Single Mum of 3 (ages 12, 10 and 9), recently diagnosed autistic in May a few months before turning 35. ADHD assessment has been ongoing since 2021. My eldest was also diagnosed autistic in December. Recovering from 9 years of coercive control with the kids' Dad; social work helped me leave with the kids in 2018 and we spent a few months in the local women's refuge before being housed. After I left him, he moved away for 4 and a half years and had the kids half of each school holiday (except in Summer he only ever wanted a fortnight), term time they didn't see him as he was too far away. In early 2019 I got a good part-time job within school hours but I struggled to manage everything at home around work.
After 3 years of asking my GP for help with my mental health and being signposted to the hospital chaplaincy, then online CBT, then prescribed paroxetine, then fluoxetine, then getting private counselling through Occupational Health at work, then having to take increasingly long periods of sick leave, in Summer 2021 I was finally referred to the community psychiatric team. In Autumn 2021 my CPN (community psych nurse) advised me to stop working as I wasn't coping. That was when she referred me for autism and ADHD assessment.
She advised me to apply for the Adult Disability Payment (Scottish PIP) but I fell one point short of qualifying. Money is very tight and I've got myself into a lot of debt just to provide the kids with an average childhood, not miserably frugal but not extravagant (no holidays but extra curricular activities, birthday parties some years, some presents each for birthdays and Christmas, occasional days out, etc.) I walked away from the marriage with nothing but the kids' belongings and their Dad has never contributed anything financially except paying the transport costs when I travelled part of the way with the kids to hand them over, when he lived away. I want to work again but I'm scared I wouldn't be able to cope again (I'm not even coping now) and my income wouldn't increase by much unless I worked full-time (and I couldn't even cope when I worked part-time). Currently I'm a part-time student and volunteer once a week for a couple of hours.
A year ago the kids' Dad moved back to the area and began having the kids regularly. Although I found it distressing to communicate with him I tried to co-parent amicably for the kids' sakes (as a child of divorced parents myself) and did my best to be reasonable; whenever we disagreed about what was fair/best for the kids I was polite about it. In May I received a letter from the Legal Aid Board saying he was taking me to court over contact. He wants to have the kids basically 50/50 whereas I think twice a week is enough. Then in June he stopped replying to my texts re: arrangements. He told the children to keep it secret from me that his girlfriend was pregnant (my 3 now have a baby brother) and my eldest has told me that Dad talks about me as though I'm a horrible person. We have a child welfare hearing tomorrow. I'm scared.
My Mum and stepdad moved near us in Autumn 2019. Mum moved into refuge over last Christmas and New Year as he had hit her, but she moved back in with him. I don't take the children to their house any more, Mum comes here or we meet her out and about for walks/picnics. I no longer talk to my stepdad and I'm starting to process that I grew up in an abusive home. However my stepdad was the most understanding and supportive of my 4 parents and I do care about him and sometimes miss him, so it's complicated. Obviously I worry about Mum's safety but all I can do is be here for her. Her behaviour can be difficult to cope with at times too; we've had a difficult relationship since I was a teenager and she still bitterly resents me leaving home at 17, among other things.
While I was with my ex-husband, I was cut off from all my friends and family back home for years and the children didn't get to meet all my loved ones until I left their Dad. I'm trying to rebuild all those relationships from scratch, long distance.. but I'm terrible at keeping in touch, struggle to make phone calls and when we go down to visit it's hard to see everyone in the time we have, so we don't get to spend enough time with anyone. Some have forgiven me and accepted me back into their lives, others didn't need to forgive as they were never angry, only concerned. However some have not fully forgiven me and I have to own that I've hurt people I love, by being absent from their lives.
He wouldn't have my Dad at our wedding. I should have said, "no wedding then" and left him, but I didn't. I argued, yelled, cried and begged until the day before, but I got married, without my Dad, sister, stepmum ot stepmum's parents (who are grandparents to me) there. I'm not sure they actually even like me or care about me now, I think maybe they only tolerate me because they want to spend time with the children. It's intensely painful.
I do my best, but I don't manage to get everything done. Apart from my part-time studies and volunteering, my whole life is just trying to do everything for the kids and around the house (and failing). I have no energy, time or money left for myself; I don't get to pursue any of my interests, exercise, do anything fun for me, dress the way I want to.. nothing. I exist to meet my kids' needs and even now that they go to their Dad's a lot I'm just constantly trying to do everything and falling short, or not managing to get out of bed to do anything.. and that's my life. There are always dirty dishes on the worktops, the house is always messy, there are always "doom" bags/boxes/piles of clutter in corners, I'm chronically forgetful, late, disorganised, messy, clumsy etc. (ADHD) and most people judge those traits harshly in adults, assuming it's lack of effort/consideration.
When I'm with other adults I'm constantly anxious that I'm saying/doing things wrong or not saying/doing the right things and worrying that people might be annoyed with me or might not really like me, or might stop liking me. After most social interaction I get intensely anxious and upset, then I get the urge to reach out for reassurance and then I worry that I've overshared and annoyed people. I get lonely and I'm desperate for connection and friendships.. to be accepted and loved for who I am.
I go and talk to Women's Aid and they do relaxation with me and their court advocate will sit with me before the hearing tomorrow; I'm grateful and it helps while I'm with them but I'm still not managing to do everything and I still feel like this. When I phoned my GP she said to phone my CPN; I phoned the CPN team and she phoned back but I missed the call and I haven't managed to phone again (it's hard to make phone calls) and she hasn't phoned again. I forgot about a couple of appointments I was supposed to have back in July; one with the CPN and one with a consultant psychiatrist (I often forget to do/go to important things; ironically these appointments were to get ADHD medication and one of the things the medication could help with is my working memory) and no new appointments have been issued.
Recently I've been feeling like I can't keep going like this, it's all too much, I want to give up, I'm beaten, I just want to die now.. but I can't do that to the kids.. so I have to keep going, I'm trapped in this, have to keep trying my best, keep failing, but there are no excuses, I'm not supposed to complain, not supposed to explain, nobody wants to hear it, nobody cares, I don't matter. I keep thinking about how I'd take my own life. Some days I can't do anything and I feel guilty for letting the kids down. I need help.