To just give up

[Zombieof3]

Would it be so completely awful of me to just give up?
I have tried everything to get better, copious amounts of medication and stomaching some of the horrible side effects, I’ve had intense therapy, I regularly engage with my psychiatrist appointments, I have restarted swimming in hopes to boost my mood, mindfulness, and yet I’m still so fucking miserable and it’s not through a lack of trying.

I honestly couldn’t think of anything nicer than just never waking up again. No more responsibilities, no more worries and no more depression. I love my children and partner, they are the only things that keep me going but I’m sick to death with being this unhappy. I’m constantly in bed sleeping, so I don’t feel like I’m doing my kids or partner any favours by staying around anyway but at the same time, I don’t want to miss seeing my beautiful kids grow up. Why can’t I just be happy, I can’t feel like this forever. I’m so exhausted all the time. I barely eat because I don’t have the energy to make food or eat it. I literally 10-12 hours a day. It’s ridiculous and this isn’t a way to live. I wouldn’t make an animal suffer like this. Why would it be so bad for me to finish this

The pain you are feeling now doesn't disappear when you die by your own hand. It is passed on to your loved ones.

Phone the Samaritans please.

Wishing you all the best. Keep going. 🌸🌸🌸🌸

I know and that’s why I’m still around but god it’s hard, I don’t feel like I’m helping anyone by being around. It’s not fair for the kids to see me in bed all the time, so I try and force myself to go downstairs with them and their dad, but it just leaves me frustrated and snappy.

I don’t deserve the wonderful family I made, I’m a let down to them and that’s all on me.

thank you for the suggestion of Samaritans, unfortunately, I’m rubbish about I the phone and would be no use and wouldn’t be explaining myself properly, thank you though

Your husband and children love YOU, they love you as you are. You're doing the best you can, you're trying so hard. What more can anyone ask?

Please believe me when I say your children would much rather you were there and in bed than not there. I know. Losing my mum at a young age has stayed with me every day of my life. Please give yourself some love and compassion. Take it one step at a time and rest if you need to.

What area do you live in OP? You can refer yourself to rest it's houses which have excellent recovery rates. I think there are only a few in the country though but honestly worth a look. I'll see if I can find the details

Recovery houses

im trying but it’s so hard, I don’t know what else to do. I rang surgery today and asked for an urgent gp appointment which isn’t until the end of next week. It’s draining the life out of me, it’s so hard.

I managed to take my kids to their swimming lessons, another thing I hate doing as there is always a faff afterwards with showering them and getting them changes. Low and behold, this led down to a full meltdown from my 7 YO. What is the point in all of this really? I’m just drained, yet I’ve done NOTHING for days. I’m so fed up of being such a useless piece of shit all the time.

I’m really sorry that you went through that as a child, I don’t have any words that would be able to touch upon how awful that is. It’s something I don’t want to do to my kids, but it’s so hard and I’m so tired.

Please keep going, as someone said earlier your children would prefer you as you are than not at all. No one can replace a mum. Really hope this time passes and you start to notice what’s good around you

Hi OP, I'm so sorry to hear you feel like this. Have you had physical causes of tiredness ruled out, like blood tests? Feeling so exhausted for physical reasons (eg low iron) can be a huge drain on mental health.

Hello OP, it was so good of you to write and share your feelings instead of keeping it all bottled up. Yes children are exhausting especially when you are depressed and have no energy. But you did it! You made it through the day and even took your DC to swimming lessons. That is great. You survived and your children need you so much.

What you need is to keep on keeping on. One small step, then another. I like the idea of what is called Radical Self Acceptance. Realize that you are good enough as you are and each extra thing you can manage in a day is a positive note to be noticed.

If we people who are feeling depressed can accept ourselves as we are right now and then focus on the next step to take ( instead of focusing on how bad we feel ) we can gradually see the light of better days ahead. Don't try to do too much; just small goals, and being radically kind to ourselves...

You are unique and you deserve to be loved , OP. Your life is full of meaning just by being you. Please take good care of you.

I’d just like to thank you all for listening to me when I was having really dark moment. I’ve been doing a lot better lately, and I have you all to thank for that and I really appreciate it, it means a lot to me xx

Glad to hear you’re doing better OP, take it one day at a time and I hope you’re able to find something you enjoy doing outside of tedious chores that you can count down to and look forward to. Exercise is amazing for mental health - I know that’s SO daunting when you’re feeling low, but if you could just try it… those endorphins work wonders and you are filled with more energy than you had going in. Exercise changed my life. ♥️