Mixture of stress, burnout from looking after 5 kids mostly alone, exhaustion from not enough sleep, trying not to lean on alcohol to feel better (tends to make me feel worse at the moment)
I go between sadness, anger and nothingness.
My youngest is 2 and is definitely picking up on it. He's more emotional, clingy, demanding and I can't cope with it, even though I know it's my fault.
I'm at a point where I believe everyone would just be better off without me, I'm not a good mother right now.
It's rocky between me n my partner, he doesn't support me, calls me selfish for having these thoughts.
I walked my 2 year old to the shop earlier, he ppint blank refuses his pram, if I force him into it he just continually climbs out. But then refuses to walk and throws himself to the floor on the roads.
I stopped in the street overwhelmed and just wanted to jump in front of a car.
I'm definitely not emotionally available for anyone, I'm fighting the urge to run away.
I don't know what to do, I don't want medication, I have a history of bad depression and self harm. Over the last decade I've been okay (with a few blips) but these past 6 months I've gone downhill.
I want to feel okay again, but right now it feels hopeless