Navigating through CPTSD, OCD, cardiophobia and panic disorder

[dontknowwhattothinkordo]

I’m really struggling. Outwardly I look clean and tidy, I manage to get myself to uni somehow and I’m able to talk to classmates I feel safe with.

Inwardly I spend my entire day in a panic. Weekends are always the worst as I have nothing planned. I can’t leave the house alone unless I have zero other choice. Even then I’ll find any excuse not to go out. I have severe health anxiety, to the point that 111 have a specific care plan for me when I call - I usually call them at least once a day, despite my CPN working with me to find other, better solutions.

I have a CPN I see once a week, a support worker I’m supposed to see once a week - but she always wants to go for a walk which terrifies me, so I always cancel. I don’t like getting my heart rate up in case it harms me - to the point I’ll sit down in the shower rather than stand.

My CPN is doing some CBT with me and sometimes that works but sometimes it doesn’t, and I’m so so tired of feeling this way and of trying to navigate normal life too. I’m due to be starting to see a psychologist at some point as well, and also have a psychiatrist as I’m on a few different meds now - GP said they needed a consultant to monitor the situation.

With the OCD I get music or a phrase stuck in my head to the point it’s distressing, but also have repetitive worries and intrusive thoughts. Worse if I’m tired already.

CPTSD I get random memories of the past for no reason at all and at the worst I remember things but they feel like they’re happening in real time.

I used to work full time and walk 10 miles a day as part of my job, and now I’m almost stuck in bed because of this shit, and have all these care and crisis plans. It’s hell and I’m so tired of it. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, I want to go back to normal.

It doesn’t that help that my uni - thinking they were being helpful - have done a huge risk assessment document, which has given me something new to hyper focus and obsess over.

When did this start and what was the trigger?

I had anxiety since I was tiny little, worried about things because of what was happening around me (my mum had BPD, and I had to care for her from about 4) but it got worse when I left home age 18, and then got better when I was about 21 and saw a psychologist for 18 months. Still had anxiety but it was easier to manage. Then at 26, about 6 years ago, it got worse, and worse - my mum’s health went from bad to horrendous and she was diagnosed with dementia last year. Can see where I got bad linked to that. My granny died two weeks after mum’s diagnosis and that was like the last straw.

the health anxiety I remember having the worries when I was very small but it got much worse when I was 14-16ish, and then it got really bad when I was 18. I went to uni when I left home and I went to a lecture and I remember the lecture hall had a defib on the wall. I spent ages worrying what it might be for and I felt so anxious I left the lecture theatre and went home. I must have then googled and realised people could die suddenly, and that was that, I think that must have been 13 years ago but I’d struggle to think of a day where that thought hasn’t crossed my mind.

In 2020 I had a realty difficult day, I had a traumatic hospital appointment and I came home not feeling good, mum wasn’t right but I couldn’t figure out how, and she’d put soap powder in the tumble drier and stuff. I remember eating tea and I suddenly felt weird, distant and my heart was thumping and irregular and hot/cold and sweaty and like I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was dying. I rang 999 who told me they thought I was having a panic attack on the phone and to calm down. It happened again the next day. Since then it’s happened fairly regularly, I’ve been to A&E dozens of times and kept in a few times. Each time they’ve said they think it’s panic attacks and not something more serious. But I’m terrified of them happening in company, or in a situation where I can’t get help, or if the doctors have got it wrong and it’s something I should be more worried about. They did a 72 hour monitor last week but I haven’t got the results yet.

I'm 46 and your experience is very similar to mine. I have cptsd, adhd and a panic disorder.
Are you on any meds? I'm on duloxetine x

I’m on sertraline, mirtazapine, bisoprolol and diazepam at the moment, they talked about adding an antipsychotic instead but weren’t sure. I remember I tried duloxetine a few years ago and ended up ill with it, couldn’t speak properly for a few days. Does it help you? Xx

It's a very slow grower so I'm still mega anxious but hopefully once the full 8 weeks are done there will be an effect.
Do you find all the meds are helping? Diazepam is good for fast acting. Mirtazepine made me so hungry x

I'm interested in this thread. Your OCD sounds horrible OP. At the moment I have a thing where I freeze all the time, just randomly, which is an OCD thing, but means I can't go out and about safely as I cannot cross roads without freezing. It's horrible, what our brains do to us. I am fighting so hard to get well too.

@theotherfossilsister @dontknowwhattothinkordo @Eyesopenwideawake I'm getting increasingly angry at how abysmally we are being treated by our health care providers. Mental anguish is so debilitating.
If I had a choice to say lose a leg and would never be mentally ill again I would do it x

Thank you @Dawn1331

I was hospitalised with OCD when it was perinatal OCD (horrible horrible condition) but no one cares about bog standard freezing in the middle of cars, apparently x

@theotherfossilsister I told my Dr 23 hears ago when I was pregnant with my first son I was filled with anxiety and terrified and was basically told it was hormonal.
So for 23 years I've been on various medications, been miserable, lost out on so much precious time with my kids and I'm still being treated like I'm somehow the problem.
I'm now on new medication and it's been nearly 6 weeks and not much improvement. Been told to hold on till 8 weeks - it's been 23 years!!!!!

So difficult. I have gone through phases when it's terrible and phases when it's OK so don't know my triggers (although I have tried to figure them out.) It's such a weird disease

@theotherfossilsister exactly disease - not a life choice. I have had spells of happiness and then the Dr wants to taper off and that's when I know it will all go bad again.
Had a nurse appointment about menopause and she knew nothing about it x