Pregnant & anxious after late loss

[Shrillwaffle]

I’m 20 weeks pregnant currently, last year lost my baby girl at 23+5 completely out of the blue unexpectedly. we found out two days ago we’re having another girl too.

everyday I’m terrified my baby has died. Last time there were no signs or symptoms just reduced movement. I’ve started feeling my baby move but it’s not regular yet so any lull I’m convinced something has happened. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get through the next few weeks and months feeling like this. I can’t go through it again I think I’d break mentally. Every morning my first though is ‘is by baby still alive’ I’ve been diagnosed with ptsd from the loss and I’ve suffered with borderline personality disorder and depression since I was a teenager.

Popping in to handhold shrillwaffle. This isn't going to be easy. I speak from experience having a late loss at 20 weeks and then becoming pregnant again. It was a difficult, difficult journey and like you, I had these thoughts you've mentioned every day. I have ptsd from my experience and I'm only just having treatment for it several years after the event.
I'm guessing you are feeling in a lonely place right now. Maybe you could check-in with your midwife and request extra monitoring? My pregnancy was consultant led and extra appointments with her was crucial for me as it gave me somewhere to voice my concerns.

No easy answers but I wanted to let you know, I can identify with what you have written.

Thankyou for your reply 🙏🏻 did your other pregnancy go smoothly? What did you find helps? I’m 22 weeks now so the time I lost my baby is coming around 😞 atm I can’t see past 24 weeks I’m convinced the same thing will happen I’m so connected and in love with my baby I physically and emotionally could not go through it again they’d have to lock me up

Hi, Yes, I have a 5 year old daughter now, against all odds as I had fertility issues. I knew when I became pregnant that my biggest regret would have been not trying again even though it felt like it was a massive risk to my mental health. It can work out okay. Day by day, just take it one day at a time. I'm not sure anything in particular helped...the gnawing anxiety just kept on coming but maybe I accepted that this was to be expected given what had happened. Ask for extra support - monitoring, in touch with the midwife etc. or even counselling - an outlet where you can talk it out. Some people say this can make things worse because you are focusing on it but to be honest nothing much would have distracted me from what had happened previously - it is such a massive thing to happen. Big hand hold from me. I know how it is to be in this place.

@claudinevan3 thankyou again for replying. It’s encouraging to hear your story and you have a beautiful 5 year old ❤️ it gives me hope

I’m lucky in the fact that there is no like medical reason things shouldn’t turn out okay she’s healthy strong heart I saw all 4 chambers, so lightning shouldn’t strike twice. I just feel like I would be that one unlucky person it would strike twice :’( we tried straight away after the loss of my first girl I think it was part of the healing process. First time ever pregnant so I was worried maybe it wouldn’t happen again but a year ish later it has.

I start more regular scans soon and I’ve had contact with perinatal and also a community midwife. I just have all my fingers crossed and want these next months to go by fast and smoothly

I had à similar expérience. The child from the 2nd pregnancy is now 24 years old but I can still remember the terrible anxiety throughout the pregnancy. I would have liked another child but couldn't bear the thought of going through another pregnancy so this child was my last.
Nothing really helped. I was signed off work with anxiety for almost all of the pregnancy. I had extra check-ups and scans and I saw a therapist à few times.