Feeling Overwhelmed & Hopeless

[mamadoodlebug]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post on MN (I signed up last week) and I'm hoping for your guidance.

My dh and I are American and have been stationed here with the U.S. Air Force for the last 2 1/2 years. We have a ds2 and dd1 (11 months apart to the day).

We don't live near base and most of our neighbors work and have grown children, so I don't have much contact with other people during the day. I have tried a few mother & baby groups in the area and felt worse after going to them- it seemed like everyone knew each other and they weren't particularly interested in meeting anyone else.

I used to just think that I had PMS issues, but I realize now that I've become fairly depressed over the last two years. It's hard to admit that, since we went through 6 years of infertility treatment to conceive our son, but I think it's the case. I'm really struggling on a daily basis now, and not finding much joy in life...also hard to admit.

I've spoken to my HV about my feelings, and she says that most mothers would feel the same way in my position and that we've had a tough two years. She recommended that I find some time to myself and that we try to get a babysitter and go out once in awhile...hard to do when you're feeling overwhelmed. It seems from other posts that the NHS waiting list is very long for therapy, so I wonder if it would be worthwhile to bring it up with my GP at all.

I keep telling myself to get it together and get up tomorrow with a better attitude, but when dd starts crying at 4:45am (she's teething) and wakes her brother up, too- it all goes down the tubes and I feel myself sinking again. I feel as though my days are part of an endless loop that's constantly repeating and I can't get a handle on how to change things.

I would appreciate any suggestions anyone can offer.

You are definately not alone, many of us on here feel the same. Since first coming on this site, I've found inspiration and realise there are so many mums out there in exactly the same boat as me! Welcome to MN!

Awwww bless you, tough being so far from home and family too.

Baby groups - i know exactly what you mean, i think you just have to put up with it for a few weeks until you 'get in there' it will happen but it is tough if you are not feeling confident.

You will find lots of support on here and may well end up addicted to computer - something to do if you can't sleep after the night time wakings though.

What else could you do?

• Get a dog, lovely and cuddly and people talk to you in the park

• Go to a mumsnet meet up

• Go on day trips or overnight trips with the kids, it is such a kerfuffle it keeps you so busy you don't have time to feel fed up

Always, always, always get yourself up and dressed with some make -up and breakfasted before you do the same for the kids (pop them infront of cBeebies while you do that). That way it puts you first at the beginning of the day. You feel less overwhelmed by life as you feel in control from the outset of each day.

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this mamadoodlebug. I do think it is worth visiting your GP - even though there is a long waiting list for counselling/therapy services on the NHS, s/he should be able to refer you to other organisations that offer counselling. From what you say about your situation, I'm not surprised you feel this way. I think your HV's advice is simple but good - have you spoken to dh about how you feel? Is he supportive?

Also do you like going to gym or anything. Lots of gyms have creches so you can have time alone and the exersize makes you feel good too.

Whereabouts are you MDB? I'm sure there'll be some lovely Mnetters round your way .

Just seen your post, and wanted to offer you (((hugs))). Welcome to Mumsnet. I'm sure that you will get lots of support here and suggestions.

Having two little ones 11 months apart is hard work. Don't be too hard on yourself. I understand how you feel regarding feeling overwhelmed. I went to talk to my GP when I felt similar feelings and have been diagnosed with PND. I'm not saying that you have the same but could you talk it through with your doctor?

Sorry rambling, but I hope it makes sense!

Hi everyone and thanks for your support!

Flumberrysauce- we have a dog already who is "special needs" as we say. He's got separation anxiety and sometimes chews the curtains up at night. He is our baby that will never grow up, so unfortunately not a source of comfort but another responsibility.

We can't do any overnights...the exchange rate is double now and we just can't afford it. Plus, both the babies are in cribs and would NEVER go to sleep in the same room.

I do get dressed when the kids take their naps in the morning- I would be in an even worse state if I stayed in pajamas all day!

Spacedonkey- My dh does know about how I'm feeling, but he is like a lot of men, frustrated that he can't "fix" things. He is the only one I've been able to talk to about this and I just don't want to burden him anymore...I want to be able to "suck it up" and be as good a partner (and parent) as he is. He is a happy, happy guy and even when he gets upset or frustrated about something is still able to muddle through and wear a smile. I think I used to be more like that, too but it's become lost over the last few years.

I do like our HV a lot- she has been so helpful and understanding over the past two years. I think her advice is good, too, but then I don't follow through on it and feel even worse. I think that I may have to see my GP anyway, regardless of the wait lists, and just talk to him about how I'm feeling. I'm afraid that I'm going to fall apart in his office and look like a real lunatic, though!

Hi honey,

Are you at either Lakenheath or Mildenhall? If so, we were stationed nearby for 3 years so I may be able to offer some ideas for getting you out?

Wifeof xx

Blimey your life is a headache - poor you. I'm gonna rack brains again.

Trying to think of things other than GP, counselling which you could also do of course but it is often the start of a long road of treatment and then you feel 'labelled' with depression or whatever and feel a sickness and that is even harder to get over.

If your husband is fairly supportive then you really should try to get away - i know you say impossible - but a cheap b&b, the kids might surprise you, and a change is as good as a rest.

Flumberrysauce- no gym...too expensive with the exchange rate, unfortunately! I did start a diet and exercise program last February and have lost 5 stone so far. I have an elliptical trainer in the house that I used to use in the morning before they got up (or before dh left for work) or after they go to bed, but I've let it go for the last 6 weeks. I'm going to try to get back on schedule with that...I'm sure it will help things.

FlashingRudophNose- We live in Peterborough!

mumbojumbo- thanks for your support. I think I am going to talk to my GP about things and see what he suggests. It can't be any worse than how I feel now, right?

5 stone - BRAVO !! You are a wonder!

Yeah finances always b*gger everything up.

Anyway always keep mumsnet in your pocket and your never alone.

Even if people come up with stupid ideas - like me

No, no- not stupid ideas, very helpful ideas! Money does seem to throw a wrench into the works sometimes, though!

Wifeof- No, my dh is stationed at Alconbury, which is about 50 miles from Lakenheath, I think. I never thought it would be a mistake to live off-base, since we've never, ever lived on one, but I think in this case it would have made sure we were amongst other young families with little ones. I didn't realize how important that would be...

I've just made an appointment with my GP for tomorrow evening and I'll let you all know what happens.

Good luck MDB.

I'm nowhere near Peterborough, but I know there's a group of Cambs Mnetters who have met up - see here

Hi MDB, you certainly have a lot on your plate and I'm not surprised it seems overwhelming.

I think there are some Peterborough mumsnetters around, but if not there are a few of us in Cambridge, only 45 mins away if you drive and we would be happy to meet you I'm sure if you wanted to come down our way for a day!

Great minds FRN!

Thanks FRN and CQ. Once I start feeling a bit more like myself I would like to go to Cambridge; right now it doesn't seem possible.

I'm trying to prepare some notes for my appointment with the GP now, and I feel even worse thinking that I'm going to actually own up to the feelings that I've been having...actually admit that I can't get myself together, even though I've got a wonderful husband and babies. Actually tell him that when I took the Goldberg Depression Questionnaire, I checked "Very Much" next to the statement "The pleasure and joy has gone out of my life" and "'quite a lot" next to "My future seems hopeless". I just can't believe that this is where I am right now.

mamdoodlebug, you didn't say how old your kids were but I assume as they are both in cots, they are still fairly young.

My two are just under 15 months apart and I must say, I found the first 2 years (from the second one being born) incredibly difficult. I am extremely positive and fairly outgoing and sociable and I still found those years an enormous burden on me. Having two children close together is a big emotional strain and I often felt like I was doing nothing but juggling time with either one and then so exhausted in the evening that I could do nothing but veg out in front of the TV or go to sleep!

It does get much easier especially once the older one starts pre-school (normally around age 3). Don't be too hard on yourself though. You're doing the right thing by going to the GP. Unfortunately, mother and baby classes can be a strain but even if you just force yourself out for a long walk and then try and put on a brave face at these things, it can make you feel a whole load better.

I hope things go well with the GP and they have some useful advice for you.

foxinsocks- maybe I did the acronym thing wrong...My daughter just turned 1 and my son just turned 2. Thanks for the support and sharing your experiences. I'd like to try some library activities in the new year, so I'm going to check the local branches out when I feel better.

mdb...was going to say something constructive (i think) but by the time i got to the end i forgot! so best wishes anyway! hope you feel better soon xx

Hello everyone-

My visit with the GP went well last night...he was very sympathetic, and the first thing he said was "Try not to feel too bad about this- it's not your fault". He said that he believes that I have postpartum depression, and that a short course (4 months) of ADs will probably do the trick. He thinks that in the spring, when the kids are a bit older and it's light out again, I'll be able to cope better if the ADs lift me up a bit now. I'll be seeing him once a month over that time, and I'm really hoping that this helps me.

Thanks for all of your support and kind words...I'm so glad I found MN.

mdb so pleased to hear your GP was supportive - it makes a big difference when your feelings are acknowledged {{{ hugs }}}

That's such good news MDB - the only way is up . Keep posting, however you're feeling, there's always someone here to listen and help.