Is this extreme low self esteem?

[gigipom]

I’ve gotten much better than I used to be, but I still seem to have crippling self doubt/shyness. It is absolutely keeping me from success in my personal and professional life.

I get so nervous talking to people at work. Add in any sort of confrontation and I totally crumble. This is mostly with those in positions above me. It’s like I go back to being a little girl absolutely terrified of an angry teacher at school. I cannot bare confrontation in or out of work. Also take criticism extremely badly. my worst fear would be to called out for poor work.

I think people are looking at me in public.I get so self conscious on my way to work. Constantly worrying I look weird or someone is talking about me.

I think about every social interaction I’ve had during the day before I go to sleep and cringe.

today has been an especially bad day and I feel like I’ve made a complete tit of myself at work. I know I probably haven’t but that’s how I feel. I’m agonising over every single little thing I said to my boss.

also doesn’t help that my colleague who is same level as me but joined the company after I did got given larger projects and responsibilities than I did during a team meeting. I just feel like a blob.

pls help. I can’t carry on like this!

How was your childhood? Did you have an angry teacher or other significant adult in your life?

horrible childhood. Severely depressed mum - she used to get angry at times.

OK, so I guess you can see the connection about you as a child being cautious or even scared about angering your mother and the same trait as an adult?

Totally. That and the fact I had a lot of pressure on me to be a perfect child. That’s why I put so much pressure on myself now I think

There's a part of your subconscious mind that developed a strategy of caving in and making yourself insignificant as a coping mechanism to deal with your mother's anger/volatility. A second strategy to be perfect is probably linked - a perfect child is much less likely to be chastised but is going to be praised for her achievements rather than for being herself.

Whilst these strategies were useful, vital even, for your 'survival' as a child they're not helpful now; in fact they are holding you back. Please don't berate yourself for this - your mind believes it's doing the right thing to protect you (and it was back then) and doesn't realise that the threat is no longer there.