How to explain parent's depression to kids?

[AnonUser20170914]

I am afraid my wife may be going through some form of depression.
She's due to see her GP soon and we are also looking into private psychologists (we are lucky enough that we can afford to pay privately if the NHS route is too long or unsatisfactory).

I am interested in thoughts / suggestions / comments on how to explain this to our 2 kids, who are 4 and 9.

They see she is not her usual self - as much as she tries to hide it in front of the kids, she's sadder and less lively than usual, and occasionally bursts out crying for no apparent reason, so obviously the kids have been asking questions. To be clear, she has not been in any way aggressive towards the kids nor me, quite the opposite.

We both appreciate that professional help is needed, and the matter of how to explain it to kids will surely be discussed with a professional once we find one, but in the meanwhile I'm interested in some comments on how to start explaining it to the kids.

Of course I would like them to understand that it's not their fault and that it's nothing they should worry about.

Most of the resources I have found so far are either focused on parents helping children with the children's mental health, or are very generic, eg https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/children-and-families-at-risk/parental-mental-health-problems

I would chat to your children separately as there is a big difference between the understanding of a 4 and 9 year old.

For your 4 year old I’d have a look for some books about sadness, or some tv shows that cover the topic and use that as a way to start the conversation

For your 9 year old I would discuss in the same way you’d discuss a physical illness. “We have lots of different chemicals in our brains that help us think and feel but sometimes our brains might make too much or too little of these chemicals which causes us to get a mental illness. You might have noticed mummy is acting a bit differently, this isn’t because of anything you have done wrong, it’s because she is ill but we are working with the doctors to help her get better. It’s nothing you need to worry about. “

Reassuring that it’s nothing they have done, that it’s not their responsibility as children to make her better.

Im sorry that your family are going through this and I hope your wife recovers soon ❤️

How would you frame the conversation - especially thinking of what questions the kids will ask next?

Eg would you just say 'ill' or sad?

Would you mention why? Would you say something like 'problems at work'? Would you just say that sometimes it can happen? The likely follow up questions would be along the lines of: so can work make anyone feel like this? Can this just happen for no reason? When will mum get better? Will you feel like this, too? Etc

I'd just keep it simple. Say mummy isn't well, her brain isn't working properly at the moment but she will get better.

I wouldn't tell them why, it's not fair to put that stress onto children when there is nothing they can do about it.

As a child of a parent who had depression/ major ill health it’s so important you talk to them about it, great you have asked for ideas.

I would frame it as an illness for both children, and that as with any illness Mummy is starting/ getting treatment but it may take time. Some illnesses take a longer time to treat because the brain and emotions are complicated and what works for one person may not for another/ maybe an example how some people stay upset for longer than others? I’d also explain that part of the illness includes the symptoms the children might see and that they are to talk with you about anything that worries them etc… that Mummy loves them the same but possibly cannot show it because she is unwell and very sad.

As to why, I would be vague and say that sometimes adults get really sad and ill. Or they may worry about what happens when you go to work?

I’d also be clear about it not being catching and for the older child that they haven’t inherited the condition ( I was always terrified of this).

I would carefully discuss with your wife, if appropriate, what the children are told, what she is comfortable with. I know my Dad took a lot of anger from my Mum because he was fairly direct with me when I was young and he felt I needed answers when she was deeply unwell.

Also please get some support for yourself, it’s hard looking after everyone in these circumstances and ensuring you are also looked after will help your children and hopefully your wife.

My thoughts and very best wishes are with you all, such a difficult time for everyone, especially your wife.

@SpanielsMatter thank you for sharing your experience.

What would you have liked your parents to have done differently at the time? Did you mean that your dad was too upfront with you, or that he hadn't agreed with your mum what to tell you?

I would say the illness makes her sad

No I wouldn’t say why, because in reality there is no one reason. If they asked why I’d say ‘sometimes the body and brain can become ill and we don’t know why, it just doesn’t work like it’s supposed to. But the doctors are working very hard to help mummy”

If they asked if daddy could get sick like that I’d say “it’s quite rare so you don’t have to worry about me, I’m fine”

also don’t be afraid to admit to the kids that you don’t know the answer if they ask a hard question. “I’m still learning about this so I don’t have all the answers but that’s a good question, I will go away and do some research and come back to you tomorrow/tonight etc”

I don’t mention sadness or brain not working, don’t heap that on kids. I just hide it as much as possible and if I can’t then I say I’m tired and not feeling well.

I know it’s the current trend to tell kids absolutely everything but some of the suggestions above would be terrifying for children.

Chemicals and brain not working doesn't sound the right message for the kids, but something must be said.

Have you had issues with kids telling other people and then getting bombarded with calls and messages, however well-meaning?

Eg if grandma calls and the kids tell her mummy is sick, if another parent asks outside school, hears this and then calls etc. I know it's nothing to be ashamed of, that's not the point, it's that now is not the best time for her to receive calls and texts asking how she's doing and what's wrong

My Mum’s illness was Bipolar with attempts on her own life, later diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and was sectioned from time to time.

I found my Dad being very direct helped me, it was the mid 80’s and this stuff wasn’t usually talked about. My Mum and extended family were furious he spoke to me about it all, but it helped me at a very sad and scary time and the subsequent times. I feel it’s very important to frame depression as an illness and that children understand it is complex and may take time to treat. What I didn’t like was other family members pretending it wasn’t happening, ‘Mummy was on holiday,’ when she was actually sectioned and I knew because I was there while she was sectioned.

Make sure family members/ close friends are on the same page as you with what they do or do not say. People, even now, react in very strange ways about depression or mental health and may be very misguided and unhelpful. This is one time where I feel you have to direct the narrative for the children from other close adult influences. Depending on the seriousness, I’d inform your child’s teacher so if they mention a change in Mummy’s behaviour or that she is sad teachers can also help frame it for them. I always welcomed parents talking to us, so we knew how to help, talk with pupils if they did mention worrying about a parent etc…

I feel strongly that with you actually asking how to discuss and give age appropriate support to your children, you are going to do this with sensitivity, care and support. Your children just need to know that when they have questions, concerns or worries you and their Mum can talk about what is happening.

I think your overthinking it a little you don't need to go fully into and make them worry. Maybe try mums feeling a little sad at the minute or mum dosent feel great today. I have said before I feel sad today but it's ok it will pass in time (when I've burst out crying)

Obviously you know your children better than anyone so this isn’t a dig, but I am interested in why you feel explaining the brain not working and chemicals isn’t the right message? I understand for the littlest one but for the 9 year old this is partly the truth and I think it helps them understand the difference between being sad from time to time and depression.

I appreciate that my parents have always told me as much of the truth as possible about mental illness relative to my age and understanding. And because of that, as an adult I’ve gone on to study psychology to understand it further and the effects it has had on my family

@Drummend01 I must admit there is come confusion in my head and I need to think things thoroughly a bit more.

My first thought is that the oldest is at an age and phase where she bombards grown up with questions and follow up questions, so I must be very careful in striking a balance between giving a truthful explanation she can understand, and not triggering potential fear or anxiety in the child.

My impression is that saying "the brain isn't working" might be counterproductive because it's something she'd struggle to relate to, and I would struggle to answer all the follow-up questions on why, how often it happens, what causes it, can it happen to anyone, can it happen to me, how do we 'fix' the brain if it isn't working, etc.

If instead I frame it along the lines of sadness, that is something easier to understand for a child, and hopefully less likely to trigger potential fear and anxiety.

To be clear, I don't have any strong opinions, I am sharing my first thoughts, and I am gathering options and feedback before finalising a decision.

It’s such a difficult thing and it sounds like you’re properly thinking this through which shows how much you care to get this right. Really there is no right or wrong way, you can only try your best. Your children will appreciate the effort you put into supporting them during this time as they get older. I wish you and your family all the best

My impression is that saying "the brain isn't working" might be counterproductive because it's something she'd struggle to relate to, and I would struggle to answer all the follow-up questions on why, how often it happens, what causes it, can it happen to anyone, can it happen to me, how do we 'fix' the brain if it isn't working, etc

You're overthinking it.

Saying the brain isn't working quite right is the same as saying the liver, kidney or lungs are not working quite right and making someone unwell. You tell them doctors fix it with medicine and rest, just like you would for any other issue.

If instead I frame it along the lines of sadness, that is something easier to understand for a child, and hopefully less likely to trigger potential fear and anxiety

Of course framing it as sadness will not make it easier for them to understand. You're not talking to them about normal saddness. Children think saddness= simple cure with jokes, hugs etc. Theyll try to make her better by doing those things and not understand why the saddness persists despite their efforts.

@Hermittrismegistus Thank you, you raise some good points for me to consider.

Sorry to hear about your wife, I hope she is ok and able to stay safe. When I was in a deep depression, my son asked me what was wrong, I think he was probably about 9 then too, and I told him that I was very sad right now. He asked why and when was I going to be ok, and I told him I didn't know how long it would take but hopefully I would feel brighter soon. This felt like a huge conversation to have at a time when I felt awful but it felt like enough for me and him. I grew up with a parent who had a breakdown and was subsequently diagnosed with bipolar and I was told nothing, just kept in the dark, during a very dark and scary time in my family and without any way of understanding what was happening. I wouldn't advise this approach. I also don't connect with the faulty brain or malfunctioning chemicals so for me it was enough to say I was sad. I wasn't going to go into why. I was still struggling to understand that myself. It was a very hard time for me and I wish you and your family all the best.