How do I live life?

[HelenHen]

I'm married with 2 ch (8 & 11). Husband has a great job. I work FT and earn ok. We have a huge house with an equally huge mortgage.

And that's it!

DH and I are not compatible. He's a homebird. I'm from another country and love travel, yet I haven't travelled in years, other than going home). We don't take holiday together so, if I do go somewhere, I have to take the kids. I love them and they're fun and helpful travel buddies now, but everything is such a massive task.

However I seem completely incapable of making the tiniest decision any more. To the point where I just don't make any. I have friends but everyone is busy or unreliable (cancel at last minute) so I don't plan anything with them.

I'm literally just existing. It's OK in the summer because I can enjoy the sun and read or whatever. But last winter, I literally cried every day.

I want to be sociable like I used to be. I want to go new places and do things, but I feel paralysed. If I decided to take the kids somewhere, I would overthink it until I get crippling anxiety and just don't do it (where will I park? What is the driving like? How do I find things? What if I meet a serial killer? Etc)

I don't love my husband. We haven't had sex in years. We dont have conversations that don't just end in him talking over me or getting annoyed or mansplaining. We're literally living his best life though.

But I'm afraid to leave and be poor. There must be a way I can learn to love life and be independent again. How do I do this? Please help me.

If you are looking for permission to leave your husband, consider it granted. Poor (relatively; is there any equity in that huge house?) and happy vs 'existing' and crying every day? Easy choice, even if the process is daunting.

Well if you split and agree on having the children 50/50 then you will regain some of your former freedom to travel, socialise. If the big house is sold will there be enough equity for you each to be able to buy your own places?

Problem is I can't even decide what to cook for dinner anymore. How would I leave? I've always been quite laid back, but too many 'I don't mind, you decide' has actually left me completely dependent on him to decide everything. It's ridiculous. I'm an adult. I don't mean I'm lazy. I work full time, take the kids everywhere and do all the cleaning. I'm really good at following orders and timescales... but the idea of freedom is too big and terrifying for me and seems to paralyse me.

There is probably enough equity for me to buy a terrace 3 bed with a 50% deposit if we split, but with mortgage rates now I probably couldn't afford it on my wage. Its the usual scenario where his career soared when the kids were little and mine came to a stop.

Sorry, I sound really middle class and horrible and patronising when I lay out the facts. That's not my background or who I am at all. I think I'm losing any sense of who I actually am.

I was also assaulted by a man on a night out last year when waiting for my taxi. I think it kinda brought me to a place where I don't feel safe being alone or even out and about. The court stuff is still ongoing which doesn't help.